Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Again with the tango...

It's come again, this pulling sucking need to be in the embrace of tango. I don't obsess about it in my head, or think about it every single second or relate my entire existence to tango anymore, but it just pulls at my very soul. It's what I imagine loneliness must feel like, all tucked up inside myself for no one but me to notice. But it pulls me to a place of emotion and its all on my surface and all I want is to just lose it in the music, the embrace, the movement and give in. Just give in. Because tango will love me for it.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Brigitta Winkler

Brigitta Winkler was here this last weekend, and I can't say enough good things about her!

She was gracious, warm, friendly, and a fantastic teacher. In addition, her total lack of snobbishness was refreshing and charming. In addition to learning lots from her, I really felt her dedication to sharing the essence of connection. If you get a chance, she is well worth spending a weekend with!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Back from New York

What a wonderful week in the city with the Parents and their children. The weather was divine, with crisp in the air, leaves falling everywhere, and the beginnings of scarf temperatures!

I danced. Some very fantastic dances and the worst dance I've ever had as well.

And I spent lots of time with the Parents and their kids. What a joy it was to see them as a family. I wondered if the children would know me, at least a little. The 2 1/2 yr old knew who I was, because his parents talk about me and have pictures of me around. But he didn't know me beyond that. And the twins, they didn't seem to have any special memory of me either. And I wondered, before I got there, how I'd feel if they didn't.

And I felt relieved! It was amazing to see their family. To get to part of their day-to-day as a friend, but to not be pregnant, to not be the one making their dreams true, to just be a treasured friend. It was so perfectly right that the babies didn't know me, and that Tor was shy with me.

Surrogacy has new adventures for me all the time. I wasn't sure completely what I would feel seeing Tor and the babies again. Would I feel a tug of connection? Would I feel some sadness? Would I feel judgmental about how they parent? I really had no idea. But what I felt was satisfaction and completion. I realized, it doesn't really matter to me whether people know how the children got here, and it doesn't even really matter to me if the children know how they got here. Of course, I can say that knowing that the Parents love me, that they honor our experience together, and that the children DO know how much love they were made with. If I weren't so appreciated and treated with such respect, maybe I would feel different?

Again, I am awed by what an amazing experience surrogacy with this family has been.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


If ever there were something to kick my butt back into posting, it's the hundred + hits I've received this morning courtesy of Mamapedia Voices! Thank you so much for featuring my post.

I am off to New York this weekend to visit the twins, their brother and their fabulous parents! I could not be more thrilled!

I'll post something with a bit more depth later, but I wanted to say that special thanks to Mamapedia, both for featuring me and for getting me on the blog train again.

Friday, August 21, 2009

An Open Letter to Movement Invites Movement

Dear Movement Invites Movement Tango Bloggers:

I am alternately frustrated and interested in what you have to say. I don't particularly *like* your blog as I often feel that your posts convey a snarky sense of better than, and that puts me off--maybe because I'm new to the tango community, maybe because I care about what my community thinks of me and your lack of caring offends that? I don't really know. But I want to comment on your lack of allowing comments.

I'd like to dialogue with you. I'd like to discuss your opinions and understand why you have them. Your assertion that the comment section is for bashing isn't something I have really seen happening on most of the blogs I've read. In fact, most of the tango blogs I read spur honest and illuminating conversation. And are full of support and interest and nice networking opportunities. I have had far more instances of being touched and moved by someone's post or comment than I have been angered, hurt or frustrated.

So, because you choose not to hear what others have to say about your posts, perhaps you are just robbing yourself of the opportunity to really be part of this internet tango blogging community, such that it is. If you have no desire to really connect, then stop whining about people being turned off by your not allowing comments. But if you do want to connect and share ideas and thoughts, for goodness sakes, put your big girl/boy panties on and jump in. I'd welcome you.

Fledgling Tanguera

(please note, my comments are OPEN)

Monday, August 17, 2009

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Teen Talk

Here's my new approach:

When listening to my teen's continually rude and grating, know-it-all, how-dare-you-even-consider-disturbing-me tone of voice, I will attempt to hear it like I would hear a foreigner's thick accent. And I will attempt to respond with the patience and care I would gladly extend to a foreigner I was having a difficult time understanding.

Because I'm pretty sure I don't contemplate strangling heavily-accented foreigners every time they open their mouths.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Where in the World is Fledgling Tanguera?

Hello Friends...

I know I have been remiss in blogging and I apologize.

Shortly after having the babies, I enjoyed a very short respite of normality, enjoying my children and life. And then disaster struck.

I am a board member on my children's school board. We are a very sweet 230ish kid K-8 public charter Montessori school. Well, our school burned down. Since then, we have been feverishly working to locate a new home, deal with insurance, order supplies, mobilize parent groups, etc.... the list is never ending. It has been a heartbreaking, and equally moving, time. I am touched by the commitment, dedication and love that the parents and staff express, and the kindness and support of our community as we attempt to pull ourselves up and rebuild.

So, no, I am not done blogging. I will return to sharing and purging when things slow down and our future is more secure.

In the meantime...I am doing some dancing. :)

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Happy 1 Year Blog-a-Birthday!

I missed it because I was busy off having babies, but as of May 25th, I've been blogging for 1 year!

Beautiful Moments

For me, the moment that makes it true, the moment that makes it all just right, the moment that I carry in my head and heart as the most perfect moments in our surrogacy;

It's the moment after birth when I hold the babies and the mother says something and they turn their heads toward her voice. Because they know her. Babies instinctively turn toward their mothers' voices.

I remember the moment it happened with Tor, and the delight I felt and the surprise! And then the absolute perfectness of that moment. And with the twinnies, ahhhh, the same joy.

It could not be more beautiful than that moment.

They're Gone. : (

Today I kissed their precious little heads, hugged their parents hard, and said my GoodByes.

It's such a bittersweet moment to have them go home. I want desperately for them to return to their lives and settle into their being parents, to leave the surrogacy part of it behind and just be their family. To have the completion and the normalcy that families not struck with infertility have. To just be a family, not a family through surrogacy.

And so I held them tight and loved their sweet little butter bodies, and talked and laughed with the parents, and put each special second in a sacred decorated part of my brain to mull over and dig through and wallow in for the next week as I miss them terribly.

And my heart is so tender and filled with joy and I am completely at peace, but Oh, I miss them already. I miss the parents and the way they light up when their babies lock eyes with them. I miss the way the parents talk to eachother with the closeness of people who know eachother through and through. I miss the closeness and special delight we all have in eachother. I miss the feel of their little bodies melting against me. I miss the joy I get from watching the parents figure out all the intricacies of what their babies like. I guess I just miss them.

And still, I am filled with an indescribable joy and sense of completion and satisfaction. This is what surrogacy is, this combination of love and passion and perfect loss.

I am so proud of those parents and feel so lucky to share in this special thing we all did together. I can't think of what I did to deserve such a blessing, but I am thankful and humbled to be granted such a love as strong as this.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Babies Are Here!

More to come later, but...

The Babies Are Here!

They were born last night and are doing well. Both are healthy and vigorous and cute and didn't need any NICU time.

I'm sore and tired and relieved to no longer be pregnant.

And, I am beyond honored and thrilled to be part of creating this family! What a joy to see the parents loving their babies!

Thanks for everyone's interest, and those of you checking in! I promise a more detailed birth story in a couple days.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Other Than Tango, Tango Music

This isn't one of those judgmental calls on what is or is not tango. I could care less what people dance, and how they do it, as long as they are respectful of other dancers on the floor, and their partner.

But I've spent the last several days mulling this over in my head, and I really would like your input.

How is it that you can find the heart of the dance of Tango in music that isn't Tango music?

For me, the very essence of the dance is in the nuance of the music, and I have a hard time feeling it the same in non-tango music, and even in non-traditional tango music. So, it makes it hard for me to understand what ignites the passion of the dance of Tango in you, if it isn't the music? What moves you? And, if it is about the music, but you don't listen to traditional, then how do you find the tango spirit in it?

Saturday, May 9, 2009

34+ preggo update

We're 34 weeks and some change, coming up quickly on 35 weeks and I'm round and full of babies! The end is just a couple short weeks away, and I've started to feel that melancholy bittersweet sense of wanting to grasp every single last little moment of enjoying having the babies in me, and also just want to be able to mow my damn lawn!

I asked pretty please for the cerclage to come out early so I didn't have to worry about removing it once I was in labor, so the surgery to remove it is scheduled for Wednesday, which (by their reckoning) will put us at exactly 35 weeks. The mama of the babies will be here the following Monday, and I think it would be nice to have them sometime that week, but I wouldn't mind if they wanted to hang out a while longer too. Although 37-38 weeks would be better, anything after 36 is fine too. They'll be healthy and happy, just not as plump as I would like.

I am really enjoying this last part of the pregnancy, and being round and full moon big. Today the sun was out and it was a treasure to feel it warming my taut skin, and to feel the babies squirming as they too were warmed. I can't really think of much I like better. In the end, I just do love being pregnant.

I am excited to see their mama again! Although we talk a lot, I haven't seen the mama and papa since the birth of Tor, nearly 2 years ago! It seems like so long, but when you are just going through your daily living motions it goes so fast, and suddenly it's been two years. The mama isn't bringing my surroson with her for the birth of the twins, and I completely understand! I can't imagine trying to figure out how to juggle all of the arrangements and having no idea when the babies will come, etc. I will go out to visit them sometime this summer and it will be so nice to see the whole family together! But for now, I am just looking forward to getting some one-on-one time with the mama. I have grown to really love her.

The rest of my life has been busy and full; with tango stuff (but no dancing), parenting, work, etc...all the things that keep life moving and lovely. For the most part, it's wonderful and satisfying.

Hopefully, my next blog post will be an announcement of babies!

Lots of spring love to all of you in the blogosphere!

Tired of Tango? Want Out?

The surefire fastest way to become disenchanted with your tango community? Get involved in running an event. That'll do it for you.


Friday, April 17, 2009

Your Bed, the Most Important Place in the World

This commercial is an advertisement for a company that produces beds called Flex. They're slogan is "Tu camar, el lugar más importante del mundo,” or “Your bed, the most important place in the world.”

Here is a rough translation, from NazelGazingMidwife. My spanish is not very good, so if you find something really off, let me know!

The best option is to birth my baby in my home, Eduardo, our first baby, was also born in the same bed.

A miracle, isn’t it? To give birth to another, to help another leave the body?

And a woman needs to give birth where she wants to, in the place where she feels good.

(man says something I don’t understand)

Mom says, ‘I can’t do it.’

Midwife says, ‘Slow, slow… very slow, very slow.’

Mom says something about the sights and smells of the birth, the warmth that giving birth at home is very special. (notice her bliss!)

Your bed. The most important place in the world.”

Friday, April 3, 2009

Help this guy get to Peru

I'm not really a forwarding kind of person, but I appreciate when people have to make an effort to actually achieve something. And, this guy has agreed to take on a couple tasks that make me shudder.

So, stop by his blog and give him a dollar. He's trying to get to Peru for a summer internship with the Human Rights and Juvenile Justice System.

Steven will clean the Microwaves for Money

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Tango last week...

Last Saturday I danced a couple tandas. I was really nervous to dance, nervous in that excited little kid way when the kid gets a new bike but it's almost too perfect to touch.

It was...different.

I was very deliberate with my choice of leaders and probably a little overboard on the lecture about keeping it basic, easy on twisty things, lead me slowly and expect some delays from me. (I like to think languid, not slow to react...)

The first song was full of giggles as we negotiated my belly and worked to find the right embrace. Even this pregnant I just don't want to dance Open. I just can't feel it, and it doesn't move me. So we started with what was our normal embrace, but that was awkward, and then tried a slightly looser less closey embrace, but that just made it hard for us to hear one another. Finally we settled on a V embrace that felt pretty good.

After our first dance, and moving into the second, I heard him release a held breath, and heard his sweet little whisper of, 'ahhhh, now I'm figuring you out'. In that moment I felt very cared for and heard, and really appreciated knowing that he was taking the time to reacquaint himself with how I was able to move. It made every tense thing in me relax, because I knew he wasn't going to lead me in something that would hurt me. I hadn't even realized how rigid I was holding myself, how protective I was being.

There were other dances, and they were sweet. I enjoyed the dancing, and was glad to just be in the tango again.

Notes to self:
  • Even this pregnant, flats were a little awkward. Will try heels next time, though definitely lower practica heels. My balance is better in heels.
  • Overturned Ochos are NOT ok in the third trimester. Ouch.
  • I need to suggest the embrace. (I often wait and allow it to happen organically, but I need to be a little bit more guiding.)
  • Allow myself a slower reaction time. Allow myself to be ok with enjoying placing each step exactly. This is a time to slow down each and every movement and enjoy that beauty. The lead will follow my pace.
  • Expect the music to take me away. I haven't been so affected since when I first started to dance. The emotion in it is larger than life right now.

I still felt graceful. What a gift.

OH, So, THIS is Argentine Tango....

So glad to know that THIS is what is a perfect score for Argentine Tango...

I can't wait to deliver these babies so I can try out some of these moves on my nearest social dance floor.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Stone Soup 2009

StoneSoup is in my home town this year!

April 30-May 3, 2009
Tango Center, Eugene, Oregon

I'd love to see you here, and if you need a place to crash, I have a wonderful couch and plenty of floor space. I'd love to have you.

Here's the website: StoneSoup Tango-You-Topia

Errant Blogger Update

So, today I got really really good news.

First, I'm 28 weeks pregnant! That's a milestone in multiple pregnancies.

And, the babies are both great. They're about two weeks ahead of where singletons usually are right now, so they are growing really really well. Baby Boy is nearly three pounds and his sister is just a little bit behind him. Baby Boy (who is presenting) is also vertex, which means that as long as he stays that way, and it's likely he will, I can have them vaginally! Baby Girl is breech, but that doesn't matter so much in twin births.

And, because everything looks so good the perinatologist told me I can increase my activity level to 3-4 times what I'm currently doing. And I can go into work for 2 hours a day instead of 1! This all sounds perfect to me. I'm not back to my normal activity level, but who wants to be when hitting the third trimester with twins anyway!

And, he told me I can take 4 15 minute walks a day. hmmm.....15 minutes is more than most tandas. And tango really is just walking. I'm sure I can find some nice tangueros that would like to take a stroll with me....

So, good news all around.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I miss the (tango) touch

The other night I had a friend embrace me in a way that I haven't had since I stopped dancing. It wasn't a tango embrace, it was just a sweet touch and a hug, but it reminded me of the intimacy I am missing out on.

I am not, overall, a touchy person but I get my fair share of hugs and cuddles. But it's different in a way I don't completely know how to explain. There is an intimacy that comes with knowing how people move together, how they connect beyond the words, that I think is unique to lovers, to mothers and their young children, to tango dancers.

And I miss it. I miss the touch and the touching. I miss the intuitive loving we do when we wrap someone in an embrace, or allow ourselves to be wrapped in an embrace.


i miss dancing

What do you do for a job?

I am curious what fellow tango dancers, instructors and event organizers do to actually make money. I don't need the actual title or specifics, but I'd love to know the general category. Specifically, do you run a business? Are you employed in something art based? Where do you fit in the professional world?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Yay! Good news!

Today the perinatologist did another scan and (finally!) it was all good news! Both babies look great, and growing ahead of schedule and have topped the 1 1/2 lb. mark! And, my cervix is holding well and looks good.

AND, he said I could start slowing adding some low level activity to my schedule. Starting with walking 10 minutes a day! And then in a week or two adding yoga, and eventually adding swimming into the mix! I can not even begin to tell you how liberating it feels to hear this!

And, instead of the doom and gloom speech of 'Prepare Yourself for 28 Weekers', I got the probably more like 34 weeks. This could all change in a matter of hours if things go wonky, but for now I'll take this great news and celebrate!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

What I do for a living.

Yesterday I was sitting in my car waiting for my kids to get out of school and a mom that I am casually friendly with approached me and mentioned that she didn't know I was pregnant again. We chit-chatted a bit about it and I told her that these babies weren't mine either, that it was another surrogacy, and for the same family I carried for before.

And she said, "How interesting. I've never met anyone that makes their living doing what you do."

I know she meant it in a genuine and interested way, and that she was in no way being catty or rude.

I have a job. I make my living as a legal assistant in a family formation law firm. Surrogacy is NOT a job. I am not paid to carry someone's baby. I am compensated for the effort and time I go through, and I realize that is a fine line if you aren't living it.

I don't know why it bothers me so much this time around, but it does. A lot.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Treat me like I'm...

AlmostGrownChild*: I'm going to stay late and then I'll be home.

ManyMom: Actually, I'd like you to please be on the next bus home. You broke curfew yesterday and then were sneaky today by waiting until I had left the house to leave, when you were on restriction and I had specifically said no to you going to your meeting early. You need to come home now.

AlmostGrownChild: Hmph! I wish you'd stop treating me like a 16 year old and start treating me like a 17 year old!
*slams down telephone, hanging up on me*

chuckle, snort, giggle. hahahahahahahaha!

*This is my current fosterteen. He turned 17 a couple weeks ago. He's lovely, and has been with us since August, and I really enjoy him.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Seductive Dance School Ads (repost)

Huh, my classes certainly don't progress in this fashion!

(Sorry, couldn't figure out how to copy the images into my blog. You'll just have to click.)

New (tango) bloguera

Sometime over the Christmas season, google fed a me a little jewel in my reader. I have it set to scan for tango related web items (and you would NOT believe how many non-tango things are tagged with tango!) and it sent me to Adriana Palanca's blog post Why I should take tango lessons. I left a little message and didn't check back for awhile.

Lo and behold, that Holiday party sent her to classes and she's blogging about it!

If you get a chance, stop by and say hello, send her some encouragement. Tell her a story about what it was like when you started.

(Here, here, here and here are her next few tango posts, one for each class, but the rest of her blog is really worth reading as well!)

Tango in my Dreams, if not reality

Last night I had the most lovely dream that I was in a wedding/function thing and had a partner that I was 'assigned' to. We didn't know each other, or speak the same language, and didn't have a chance to communicate anyway as we were busy with our duties.

At the conclusion of the event, when tables were cleared and chairs put away and we were saying our goodbyes I went to shake his hand and hug him goodbye. He had been a lovely companion and I'd enjoyed our limited talkless time together. But he held our hug, and then a tango started, and he moved us into an embrace and the embrace was so *right*. It was that fit that makes it all come together, the sense of mingling spirits. My left arm went softly around his shoulders and sank just a bit like butter and never needed to move. My right arm, I didn't even sense it. And when he moved us, it was, well there was no body. Just us and the music and the movement to it. And we danced a couple songs, and when the last song ended he kissed me on the cheek and went his way and I returned to where my friends were sitting just a few feet away.

And I could feel that slightly shocked, removed feeling over me, like a heavy blanket or a cloak. And my friends said, That was Nice. And all I could do was grin foolishly because I knew that was the best dance I'd ever had in my life.

If I can't have it on the dance floor, I'll take it in my dreams. I feel a bit glowy this morning.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Can I just share with you all how traumatic the hospital experience really was for me? It's taken a bit to process it, but here, a couple weeks later, I can say it was traumatic.

There I was, on a table, legs up in crazy expose-me-to-the-world stirrups, and a spinal block. I can't feel anything below my bellybutton, can't move my legs, can't do anything but lay there at the mercy of these people that I don't know and don't trust. They're doing their routine thing, all normal and typical to them. And all I can do is lay there and breathe. And fight back the panic. Count the times my blood pressure drops so low he has to give me epinephrine and the buzzy two second high when it hits.

It was traumatic.

Surrogacy and Money

I know it's a topic of interest.

I don't get that much money for carrying a baby (or babies), for fulfilling a dream, for creating a family. If one were to average it out, it's no where near minimum wage. The compensation I receive as a surrogate is part of what makes it a legit and legal exchange, part of what defines the parameters to keep everyone safe, part of what makes the sacrifices worth it. But it's not WHY I am surrogate. In fact, I don't know a single surrogate that actually considers money the main reason she carries. And, in all honesty, as I sit her on bedrest, the idea that the money is the motivation is laughable. There really isn't enough money out there to make me halting my normal life worth it.

But I will tell you what is worth it all:

Creating a Family
Being part of something done with such Intention
Knowing that these children are wanted, cherished and cared for
Helping someone's Dream come true
Feeling these babies kick and knowing that every ounce of thought about them is suffused with love

I've seen births that I walked away from and said prayers for those babies and the lives ahead of them. I've seen new parents with no thought or consideration for what it means to actually parent. I've had children in my home that have so much damage that I'm not sure they can be loved enough to repair it.

I have a chance to help repair just a little bit of that damage, to balance it out.

So, yes, I'm compensated and it helps, but it's at the bottom of the list of why I am a surrogate. And so when people ask me first about the money, or say "You must get paid a lot to be willing to do that" or they make snide comments about babyselling, or they suggest I am a uterine whore....I don't even know what to say. The rude ones I don't bother with, they won't get it anyway.

But the rest of the people....how do I convey to them the aching beauty and trust that the parents share with me, give to me, to carry their child? And the absolute honor that is? How do I convey to them that this lovely little being inside of me wants and expects nothing more than the purity of love for a short time, and I get to give it? How do I share the absolute heartwrenching moment of seeing the parents realize that the baby in their arms is theirs?

I wish I could get people to really understand what is at the heart of being a surrogate.

What else does she have to do?

So, one might suppose that because I'm on bedrest I would have nothing better to do than sit around and blog. But One would be wrong! There is so much more to do. Here is a list of my daily activities that prevent me from blogging (not necessarily in order):

1. obsession with Surrogate Mothers Online forums
2. Facebook
3. Staring at the dirty door frames, cupboards, etc in my house
4. disrupting my cat's need to slumber right where I am laying
5. obsessing about how I'm not tangoing
6. feeling guilty for having a faulty cervix

In all seriousness, I will be on bedrest until the babies come. If you look alllllll the way down at the bottom of my blog, there's a ticker that will tell you exactly how long that is supposed to be.

I'm bored. I'm slightly depressed. I'm NOT lonely (thanks to wonderful friends, and my lovely children) and I miss being able to just do regular everyday things without thinking if I am jeopardizing anyone.

My children soon got over the novelty of having my undivided attention (maybe they could sense my desperateness?) and have gone back to their surprisingly uneffected routines. They are wonderful and have really been sweet about picking up where I have stepped away, and I am continually amazed and honored to have these kids in my life.

And, underneath all this bedridden angst is the really sweet reminders when Baby Boy kicks and moves, and Baby Girl does her little floaty thing that makes me feel like she's a dolphin in there, that I am bringing them into the world and being part of building this family is still one of the most special things I've ever been part of.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

In the Hospital

Well thanks to a small complication, I've spent the last couple of days in the hospital. I'm ok, and the babies are great, and I'm glad we all caught it before it got too far along.

It seems that my cervix is shortening, and so we put in a cerclage. A cerclage is a band of suture that goes through or around (mine is around) the cervix to prevent if from opening prematurely. It is a necessary intervention in our case. We'll remove it around 34-36 weeks, and let labor happen on its own. And hope that we don't go into labor before that.

This means limited activity for me, and at least a week of full bed rest. At home, at least. It means a whole lot of sitting and laying around. This will be a new experience for me, because, I don't know if you can tell--but, I'm kind of a busy person.

It will also mean board games in bed with my kids, extra snuggles, reading books together, quiet time, and bonding with my cat. It's not how I wanted it to work out, but an excuse to lay around and hang out with my kids sounds ok too. I haven't had time to have that kind of one-on-one with them, that kind of dedicated, nothing else we need to do, kind of time in a loooong time. That part of it will be nice.

This also means no more tango for this pregnancy.

Missed Connection

Call me a romantic, but this San Francisco gentleman met a tanguera, was swept up in her mystery and made the mistake of not getting her number. Maybe some of you fancy yourselves matchmakers....if you know who his cinderella was, can you pass on the word that he'd love to meet up with her again?

Sunday, January 25, 2009


I am still grappling with a betrayal. It happened months ago, and each time I think I'm shed of it, something brings it fresh to the surface.

When it first happened I was mad, and then a bit sad, and then --true to form for me-- I picked up, made what peace I could and moved on. But apparently I'm not really at peace with it, because today brought it fresh again and I am mad. And it's all ego, because I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at me for being so naive to have loved so innocently and completely and trustingly, and to think it was the same thing returned. I should have known. Just that. I should have known.

Where's the grief? This was a major friendship in my life, and it ended abruptly and I want to know where is the grief over it? If I can still feel angry about it, then there must be something still to heal for myself, and so when do I get that? How long do I be angry and feel betrayed before I can move onto the grief stage? Our friendship deserves that kind of ceremony.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

5 to tango

Last night a friend strapped on her 6 month old and led me in a couple of songs. 5 of us, in one tango.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Baby Update

We are right about 17 weeks! Not quite halfway there, though, since twins usually come early we're closer to halfway than not.

Both babies are doing very well. Baby A (this is the baby that will be born first) is a littl boy, and Baby B (who is happily stretched across the top of my uterus) is a little girl. Yesterday we did another ultrasound (I have them every three weeks--I think that's a bit excessive, but I'm sure that's the homebirth midwife in me talking) and Baby B had her foot constantly pressed up against Baby A's head. I wonder if he'll throw that in her face later in life?

They are both growing a bit ahead of schedule, which is good. Better to have babies that are bigger than expected than to have babies that are smaller than they should be.

I'm really just beginning to feel movement. All day today I felt Baby A poking me where my pants pushed in on him. And Baby B is fainter but I'm beginning to feel her more. She's the one that gets in the way in close embrace. I actually had to pull out of close embrace on Saturday and move to open because she was in an awkward position that made it uncomfortable for me.

Typically the belly growth measurements correspond to what week you are in your pregnancy. So, at twenty weeks the fundus (or top) of the uterus is usually level with the belly button. I'm measuring at about 22 - 23 weeks, with the babies just a bit below my ribcage. I have a cute round belly.

No more illness or nausea, but I seem to have lost my appetite. I'm working on trying to get all the calories in that I need, but it's hard. Weight gain is a little below what it should be.

I feel really good and remember that this is the time that I most love in pregnancy. The second trimester. Lots of energy, sweet belly, lots of kicks. This is fun!

The parents are busy picking out names and settling in to the reality that they really are going to have twins. I love hearing the joy in the mama's voice and the fear in the papa's. It's really sweet.

So, that's the baby update. We're doing well.

Pregnant Tango

The nice thing about being obviously pregnant and dancing is that it doesn't matter how off I am that night, it is pretty much guaranteed that someone will come and gush about how beautiful I am. It goes to a girl's head, I tell you.

I'm struggling just a little with the body changes. I wasn't really dancing when I was pregnant last (actually, I started tango lessons when I was 7 months pregnant with my last surroson), and I certainly didn't have the same kind of watchfulness about what I looked like while dancing, how my clothes accented features, what I looked like in sexy shoes, etc. This time, I know it. And I love my pregnant body, but sometimes I feel self-conscious about it. Kinda like the fishbowl effect, you know? I'm the pregnant chick on the dancefloor. Sometimes it gets to me.

And then, evenings like tonight happen where I am told again and again how lovely I am, how beautiful I look dancing, and it's nice to have that kind of love showered on me and on the babies. It's nice to share the joy of growing these babies with people. And for a few moments I forget that I feel a little awkward in my body.

Thanks to all you lovely people that say such lovely things.