Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Gender and loving a man

It's weird to have fallen for a man.

I know that it doesn't matter, not really. I've always fallen for the person, not the gender, but for a long time now I've really only been interested in having long-term relationships with women. My few love affairs with men were temporary, and I knew it, so was comfortable indulging that. Like visiting a foreign country.

And I've always loved Women, because they are women. Not because of some trauma in my life, or abuse or any of the other crap that people use to explain away why someone is gay. I've known since about 4th grade, and maybe even younger, that I liked women. My first crushes were Daisy Duke and Laura Ingalls. When I walk down the street, it's women that turn my head. I barely even glance at men.

But here he is, and I've never been so in love or felt such completion. And it is hard to reconcile this in my head. It's a whole reordering of my social universe.

I feel conspicuous with him in public. It feels weird to have people look at us, or to see us slip in a quick cuddle. Like I am doing something wrong. He tells me they are probably just enjoying our being in love.

He's turning my whole world upside down.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The crazy mix

I know what craziness I bring to the mix. I'm keenly aware of it. I have for years heard CC's* mother in my head telling me I'm just too much, that I wear people out.

I always figured it would be after my kids were grown. Because who would understand? Who would be part of the loving mess I created?

Sure, my friends and family support my fostering, my surrogacies, my net full of those that need love. But they don't really understand. When I talk about those aspects of my life, they show respect or admiration, or shake their head at my craziness, or say something supportive and loving and kind. Which is wonderful, but it's not...it's not what I want. I want someone that understands that I do these things because they need to be done, because it is just part of life, because it's just what we do.

And I really thought I'd have to wait. That it would be when they all were grown.

But he gets it.

* Beaches, the movie

Hey, hey guys....

...I'm in love.