Tuesday, September 30, 2008


6 days past a 3 day transfer, or 9 days past ovulation (9dpo). Still too early to get a positive, unless I was carrying a litter. And since I am not hoping to be carrying a litter, I won't test until tomorrow morning. When I will be 7dp3dt, or 10dpo, which is the typical time to get an early positive on a home pregnancy test.

I could bore you with the obsessive watching-for-symptoms craziness, but I won't. Except to say that there are some. Some signs. If one is obsessive enough to look for them. Which, apparently, I am.

This time around I have avoided the message boards, the calendars and for the most part, too much overthinking. I have been doing normal things, filling my days with kids and friends and work, and my nights with dance.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Carrying Potential Cargo

Today we transferred three absolutely symmetrical, PERFECT 3 day, 8 celled embryos. Now, we wait.

On Sunday October 5th, I will go in for a beta HCG, which will tell us how much hcg is in my system, which will tell us if any of these little guys stuck around.

It's hard to resist the lure of home pregnancy tests. In the past, I've started testing about 4 days past the transfer, hoping to get an early positive. This time, I want to just wait until at least 7 day past a three day transfer (7dp3dt). That will put me at 1o days past ovulation, had I gotten pregnant the typical way.

HPT's are crazy making. In most of the other cycles, we have gotten really early positives that didn't make it. These are called chemical pregnancies. It's heartbreaking and exhausting to get those positive tests and have a negative or low beta. So, I'm going to try and hold out.

The typical pregnancy symptoms aren't reliable with IVF, because the hormones can mimic them. So, we wait for the beta. If it's a positive number, we go back two days later for another blood test, to see if the numbers have doubled. If the numbers have doubled it's a good indication of a viable pregnancy.

These are the best any of our embryos have looked. I'm feeling really hopeful!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Tomorrow we will put in rapidly dividing little 3 day embryos.

Please be thinking fertile thoughts for us all.

I know I've said it before, but I really want it to work this time. Really.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

This has been my favorite poem since about 8th grade

  i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new
--e e cummings


In all honesty, friends, it terrifies me.

The absolute intensity that this thing, this Tango, awakens in me is terrifying.

That serpent of passion is coiled pretty deeply inside me. I thought we had found a way to coexist. He had his space, and I had mine. Occasionally, when all the conditions were right and safe, we might play a little together. But always with protection, never too close, always barely touching fingertips. Controlled.

But all bets are off now. He dances to the music, and when I am looking or when I'm not he coils himself around the little figure that is me that coexists in this body and he takes me for a ride and I just don't have any say.

I always knew he was bigger than me. I always new that if it came down to a contest between Passion and Personality, well....Passion would win hands down. And if it came to that, it would be ok because all else would be obliterated. There would only be the aftermath to deal with.

But this music, this dance...it is pulling and twisting us together and I'm finding that the passion and the personality are not as separate as I thought. And it terrifies me. I liked that neat tidy package, and nothing feels neat or tidy anymore. I feel like I am in this spiral of release and fill, and I have no say in it whatsoever. And more, I don't want to have any say. I just want to give in and go.

And in those moments, like tonight, it is glorious to go.

and the aftermath is frightening, because I'm trying to clean up and separate and reorganize what was torn open for me...and there's just no map for this.

and the only solace I can think of is to bury myself even deeper. To hope it opens me even more.

the nature of bliss

I thought it would be joy. I thought it would be light. I thought it would be like a summer day. But it wasn't.

It was aching. It was yearning, and it was melancholy. Oh, there was joy in the connection, in the awakening, in the sharing of each other, but there was more. I didn't realize that the bliss would be like that moment before we tip into orgasm, where our eyes lock with the intensity of knowing we have chosen to go over the edge together, that we've chosen to bare our souls naked to each other and there is nothing to hide, nothing to hide from.

And I sit here dazed, surprised I made it through the rest of the night. Because the tears are flowing down my cheeks, the aftermath of the bliss washing over me.

and a kernal of fear. What if he didn't feel it too? What if this is a story I'm making up?

Does he make us all feel this way?

And with that bliss, I was done. I couldn't even think of another dance with someone else. Anything else would have been empty, shallow, surface. So I sat and watched, completely contented.

I love this love affair on the dance floor. I love the shy newness of learning each other, and the places where we go deeper, a bond that grows with each step. And I think, do all the women he dances with feel this way? Do all the women he dances with walk away feeling beautiful, sexy, special? I suspect they do. And this pleases me. How wonderful that he makes each and every one of us fall in love with him, and feel as if he's fallen in love with us!

And I want to give this back. I want every man that embraces me to walk away from our dance feeling special.


Tonight I had THAT moment. That moment when the world melts open and we are hurtling through space together, with nothing but us and the cushion of tango for atmosphere.

It was just a second, when he gave himself over to me; the tender act of laying his forehead against mine undid me. In that slightest gesture, I felt him relinquish. I felt him make space in his heart for me, and I felt him allow the vulnerability to wrap us up. And I took it, and held it and loved him essentially.

THIS is what tango is. THIS is why we reach for eachother, why we suffer the doubt, the fear, the pain.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Tango Drills

I want a drills class. One where we come together for an hour -- 15 minute warm-up, 35 minutes of drills, then cool down.

Every other dance I've done has this kind of class, but I'm not seeing much of it in Tango. At least, not in my community. And certainly not in the classes. The best milonga classes I've taken spend half their time on drills.

I guess I could email teachers and ask for a drills class. Or maybe get a group together of others who are interested in a drills class, and have each of us take a couple to lead the rest of the group.

Any ideas on this? And where I can get examples of drills?

Introducing Nixon Hailfire...

Apparently, if I had been born to Sarah Palin, I would have been named Nixon Hailfire Palin.

Who would you be? Find out with the Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator.

I stole this from Kym, who stole it from Scarred Bellybutton.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

WallFlower Wednesday

Thank you, TIO....from the bottom of this heart.


Who would have thought that a lime green corset would be such a popular thing?

Fully 57% of my search engine hits in the last week and a half have had something to do with "lime green corset" in their search.


Monday, September 15, 2008

For Sunshine

Ok, so I picked Child A up from his weekly D&D game at a friend's house and we were talking about Ozzie Osbourne (I don't remember how it came up) and I asked him if he even knew who Ozzy Osbourne is. And he said no, except that he is old.

Which led to a conversation of what constitutes old.

Apparently 60 is old.

A few beats later,

"Mom, that means you are half old."

A few beats later,

"Actually, you are over half old."

and I think, really I think, that there was a bit of a self-satisfied smirk on his pre-teen face.

Passion for Tango

Excerpted from a letter with a friend, about losing our mojo in tango.

It does underlie everything in the dance, doesn't it? It's hard though, in those moments of lapse, to remember that anything else exists.

What is it about tango that strips us?

I think it's the music. It's so absolute, and in the absence of our own mojo, the music intensifies the lack. It pulls from my gut that sense of want and then tugs me along like a pull toy. Sometimes I hate feeling played with that way. And sometimes I can think of nothing else. It's the lover that knows all the buttons to push; to melt me and to denigrate me and to bring me high and to show I'm nothing, and then to make me beg for more because I've rarely felt something so beautifully intense.

I don't feel the same with alternative music. From that, I can just walk away if the night isn't flowing. But never from traditional. It follows me, sits with me, demands my attention. Sometimes I have to find that bravado, that mojo, that sense of fullness in myself...just to make it go away for a couple minutes so I can breathe.

But then, in that second of breath, I fall in love all over again.


It is so interesting to me how I can dance with someone and have a very meh kind of dance, only to have a friend return from a tanda with the same person raving about him.

When that happens, and it happens frequently, all I can do is softly giggle to myself.

Connecting in the Embrace

Ahhhhh, I think I'm getting it now.

When Filo was here last week, he said something along the lines of, when you connect through the embrace you can stop thinking about the feet, because they will just follow the embrace.

When I danced with a friend, he told me, You have to love them all, embrace them all like they are the only one.

The other day a teacher told me, when you cross in close embrace you still keep that connection. Don't open up, don't lose the contact.

I finally got it.

On Saturday, I had some lovely very connected dances in close embrace. We maintained contact and the feet (for the most part) just went where they were supposed to. And then I had a dance with a leader I'd never danced with before. There was a height issue, and he kept pulling away, breaking our contact. It was like night and day for me! I couldn't believe how much harder he was to follow (and how much worse my dancing!).

I hadn't realized that losing that connection, for even a second, is like dancing off the beat.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


Thanks, Janet Little.

Here's a reminder for you, E.

Plateauing is like climbing a mountain. You work really hard, and then you reach that plateau and you get a chance to cruise for awhile. Enjoy the sunshine, smell the wildflowers, gaze at the clouds and find dragons, maybe eat some lunch. Catch your breath.

But at some point you start to get anxious. You still have so much mountain to climb, and it still seems so far away. So you start to hurry. And notice less of the beauty around you, because your focus has shifted.

It means you're ready for the next part of your journey. Ready to start up that mountain again. Ready to focus and get down to business.

So this dissatisfaction with your plateau, it's a good thing. And you'll be climbing again soon!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Surogacy Update

So, just 10 more days until we transfer. We did an ultrasound to check my uterine lining today. It needs to be at least a 9 to be cozy enough for the embryos to snuggle in, and with 1o more days to go we are already at a 9. My body is doing just what it needs to be doing.

Now, we are just wanting those eggies to do their job!


Ok, who doesn't love her? Really? And want to dance like her? And, Lust after her. Which may be completely inappropriate, but I just can't help it.

This one, because I can't keep my eyes off the curve of her hips. She's so luscious in this skirt that I can barely concentrate on her dance.

And this one, for the passion in her dance.

He's ok, too. Ha!

Thursday, September 11, 2008


I've had a quiet week in the blogoshpere, because my real life has been jam packed.

1. Virus on computer.
2. 2nd week of school, including an overnight for my middle schooler.
3. Board meetings (already!) -- I'm on our charter school's board of directors.
4. Placement meetings, and tours of the (sorta) new school for 16 yr. old. Yay! He has a school and starts Monday!
5. Normal everyday life, including a house that is messy 12 minutess after I clean it; the never-ending pile of laundry which currently includes my 22 yr.old brother's laundry (because I'm nice like that); dinner and keeping the fridge stocked with 3 growing boys working hard to keep it empty; and of course , work.
6. Oh right, did I mention daily hormone injections and the mental energy of thinking of getting myself knocked up?

And, of course, dance. I danced Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights last week, did workshops on Saturday and Sunday, and danced Monday night too! And here it is, Thursday night again and the dancing week starts over for me.

So, you see, something had to give. It was you or my kids, Friends. And frankly, they are MUCH louder than you.

I'm hoping to get a little time this afternoon to talk about the workshops this past weekend with Filo Avignonesi. Very Interesting....

WallFlower Wednesday....oops, Thursday

Thanks, Juntos (on and off)

Friday, September 5, 2008

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The moment between songs, and the pose

I LOVE when a leader ends a song with a wonderful pose, and then holds it. He doesn't drop our embrace, or make a bunch of adjustments. He just holds me there, in stasis. Until the next song, until he's ready to move, and then he just picks up from where we are, one smooth transition into the next moment.

I love that feeling of stillness and anticipation with eachother. And I love that he's secure enough to just hold me there. I always feel beautiful in that moment, and all else just fades away in that fuzzy out of focus way, because our attention is focused on eachother and we come into realization that it's just us. The music is silent, and we're just holding eachother. Not wrapped in the third party, the tango.

Just wrapped in each other.

Thank you

Thank you for being my last dance of the night.

Thank you for not apologizing for being sweaty. For not shying away from the small of my back and the length of my spine and my sweat, mingling with yours.

Thank you for the movements in your body, and for the way you asked me to move with you.

Thank you for the soft smile.

Thank you for not breaking our embrace between songs, but for enjoying the pause and the stillness between us, and thank you for leading our moment into the next, as if our time together is so precious that we dare not waste a moment by separating.

and thank you for that length of time, after the last song of the evening, where we waited hopefully for the next, and the bit of regret in your voice as we said our thank you's and walked off the floor together.

Lime Green Corset Top

I finished it, and it was surprisingly easy. The next will be a snap, and I've already picked out the fabric. The only change I will have to make to the pattern is to shorten the back a little (it creases at the waist), and tighten the bust a bit.

Though, I did get some mild wrinkles around the boning, when I sewed it in. I think it was because the boning was already in a casing, so I just sewed the casing in. The pattern called for me to make the casing from excess in the 5/8, but I figured that using the boning already in the casing reinforced it, and the material I'm making the corset out of is lightweight, so.... there are a few small wrinkles. Next time I will use the boning without the casing.

I have to shimmy to get in and out of it, but it's super cute and will look GREAT with a pair of black palazzos.

Which, I will make tomorrow. And wear tomorrow or Saturday night. I'll post a picture then.

Our chain fabric store finally got in some decent lighter weight jersey knit in fall colors, for the palazzo pants but before I could even get down there some wench bought the entire bolts of the black,the lighter blue and the navy blue! So mad! I don't like to order fabric over the internet because I want to touch it, and this is so frustrating! They can special order more, but they were saying it would take 4-6 weeks.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Please feel free to bypass this rant.
It's part of the reason I am C R A N K Y.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. For everyone except my foster son, because at this juncture we don't know WHERE he will be going to school.

For those of you that don't know the system, by the time they become teens, most kids have been in and out of foster homes, have some kind of history of bad stuff (abuse, violence, drugs, stealing, etc.), and don't go to regular public schools, blah blah. Maybe this isn't true about all foster teens, but I only take the hard to place teens, which means there will be some significant back history that makes schooling challenging.

When I took this teen in (mid-way through July), I said that I wanted schooling addressed as soon as possible, to be able to work on creating a success story before he even walked in the door. Knowing where he would be, visiting, meeting teachers before, helping them understand how to manage his behaviours, giving him an early idea of what to expect. Mental preparation. But in August we got switched to a new case worker, we can't sort out who his prescriber for meds is (so he's out), his special care nurse has not called to make an appointment, AND WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHERE HE WILL GO TO SCHOOL! Because of his situation, we can't just walk in and enroll him in a school. His records need to be gone through, multiple meetings need to happen to determine the best placement, etc.

So, what this means is that we are starting out in the red. Negative Balance, here. No meds, no mental preparation, and lots of stress and anxiety.

His case worker is wonderful. Really. And doing the best he can, but he has over 200 kids on his case load, and he's supposed to be caring for ALL of them. It's no wonder nothing gets accomplished.


It's my job to help this kid be successful, but I can only go so far, and the State is not supporting me. Not because they are bad, or because it's personal. It's not. But this system, our foster care system, is BAD. It's diseased. It's amazing it works at all.

Last night = MUD

Somewhere about 6pm last night I became C R A N K Y. There's no good reason. The children were wonderful, I knew what we were having for dinner (I hate planning dinner.), I was working on a sewing project that was deceptively simple (still waiting for the 'i'm difficult' shoe to drop--it always does, but usually not until I've pieced it all together only to realize, "OH!, so that's what that meant!"), and my favorite tango class of the week was in less than an hour.

*hormones, ugh*

So, I went to class hoping it would lift my mood. It didn't. I couldn't walk on the beat and was just a half a second behind nearly every time...even with D'Arienzo. How can I miss the beat with D'Arienzo? I stumbled through class and contemplated skipping the practica, but many of the leaders I enjoy dancing with were there, and it's the only alternative dance I attend all week and I like that little bit of extra spice. So I stayed. And the leaders were wonderful, as they most often are. And I Was Not.

But here's the interesting thing. I saved one of the leaders I most like dancing with until my mood picked up a bit. And at the end, we stepped onto the floor, and half a song in I had to stop. I just couldn't fake it with him. I couldn't pretend I heard something I didn't, couldn't pretend I felt something I didn't, couldn't be in his arms and not give him the very best of me. I couldn't give him MUD. So, I ended the tanda halfway into the first song with lots of apologies. He was gracious, as always. A true gentleman.

This brought home something that has been percolating in my head lately. It is NOT better to dance even if I don't feel it or like it. I used to feel so desperate for the dance that I would take anything I was handed, and now.... not so much. Now, I am beginning to feel like I'd rather not dance than dance something untrue, unkind or half-hearted. I think this is a good sign.

First Phrases

I love the first few phrases of the song. When you embrace me, and take your time to settle in with me, when we synchronize our breathing and then settle a little more. Like in yoga, when we breathe and get that much more of a stretch.

I love when we are with each other and the music plays over us and then settles itself into us, and we just allow it to happen.

No rush, maybe a slight movement, or a weight change, but no rush.

Those few phrases are some of the most precious to me.

and then we dance.

BlogDay 2008

Tassili, over at La vie en rousse, a charming blog (in french) that I can only read with Babelfish, which makes for some interesting translations, included me in her list.

Thank You! I'm honored.
(not that you can see it on that screen shot, but if you really want to go over to her blog and check it out!)

Monday, September 1, 2008

Or Maybe...

Or maybe I'll stop feeling like I have to be so damn competent. Maybe I'll discover that I don't want to HAVE to be the one that does everything, that can do everything.

Maybe I'll figure out that it's ok to be taken care of, that it's ok to just be the feminine me, that there is someone that can do some of the things I have to take care of.

Maybe I don't need to be so damn independent.

Maybe I need to allow someone else to become someone I depend on.

Maybe I just need to allow someone to be part of my life.

Damn, growing up is hard.

That Lezzie Thing...

So, after my short-lived love affair, I've returned to the mental musings of a lezzie. I guess that just means my primary orientation is lezzie? I don't know, whatever...

So, on Saturday a couple of my very bestest (lezzie) friends came to the milonga. (Since all my Pre-Tango friends have dropped off my social spectrum, I've realized I have to import them!) Now, these are the friends from this post, the ones that I always feel comfortable with, the ones that I can cry or scream or laugh or just simply be with. But it was a bit weird for me.

Here's why.

When I tango, it's a different side of me. The me that is completely feminine. (I didn't realize I am so compartmentalized....think I need to work on integration?) And with these friends, well....we are part of a drag king troupe. We spend our free time as male impersonators. It was weird to have the two worlds come crashing together. I had a few moments of feeling very exposed when I was embraced by one of my tango crushes....because I love being in his arms so much. (For the record, this is totally my own insecurity--these friends would love me even if I grew 6 heads. In fact, they'd love me 6x as much.)

This is so weird to me, friends. I am so confused about where I am on the spectrum right now. Now that I'm settled with being attracted to men as well as women, I think it's time to sort out what to do with all these facets of masculine and feminine.

I like that I can work on my car and then dress in sexy clothes and dance. But maybe there's a way to integrate those sides without it being so drastic.

Less drama, more flow...


I've been sewing a lot lately. I go through spurts. Sometimes I knit like mad, but then I get knitted out and have to just look at that lovely stash of yarn until more inspiration hits. But right now, it's sewing. Because, Tango clothes are surprisingly easy to sew.

I'll post some pictures when I can beg my friend to come take some (because unlike most of you, I just don't seem to have the picture bug).

Last night I purchases a corset pattern. It looks complicated, but if I can figure it out, it should be fun. I always admire the corset look on the girls at the milonga.

I'll keep you updated.

Thank you, Helen Stern.