Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Artists and money

Artists need benefactors. Because the muse is hampered by the need to accomplish the other stuff that keeps life moving. And it's shameful to me that we have become a culture that decides that it there is little enough value in art that it should be a sideline, that it's a hobby.

And our artists feel shame at taking money. Feel shame at naming a price. Because we are so removed for sharing our hearts and our souls and our masterpieces through vulnerability that asking for the worth of the piece is unimaginable.

If you are an artist, in whatever capacity, please accept our money. Please recognize that it is our currency. It is how we tell you you have impacted us, that we like your beauty and want a part of it around us.

If you are a spiritual teacher, you are still an artist. Let me share my wealth with you, in the currency I have available to do so. It is an exchange that has value.

You be the artist, let me be the patron.

You do it for me too, you know.

Friday, December 19, 2008


Why is it that I can put my words to paper, but my voice prevents me from actually saying so much?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Falling in love

Tonight I fell in love with tango all over again. It's that moment when you look at someone that is so familiar to you and for just a second you see a total stranger, closely followed by this stabbing hollowing upsurge of love that leaves you breathless. That was tango for me tonight.

The snow set it for me. I love snow. I was a mountain high Colorado girl, with a view of the Continental Divide from my bedroom. I love the powder, the cold, the ritual, the being at the mercy and the dance of the weather. And so this storm is like a special secret Christmas gift just for me. And as I walked to the practica/milonga the flakes were fat and full and like little bits of laughter landing on my cheeks.

And the milonga hall was warm and cheery, Canaro through the speakers, lovely dancers. And my first dances were with someone I adore and they were mmmmm goood, and each that followed was a different taste.

It was like the best meal I had ever eaten, and right now that's saying a lot!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

One, Two, Buckle my shoe...

Last night I realized, at some point I won't be able to buckle my tango shoes. I know it seems premature to think about this now, but this 14 week belly looks more like a 18-20 week belly and I still have a lot to go.

So, what then? Beg my friends? Hope there is some gentlemanly fellow that will assist me? Try to contort myself by leaning sideways and reaching around the belly?

Buckling my shoes is part of the ritual I like. I like the feel of slipping my feet in, of feeling the band across my toes, and the tilt of the heel; but that moment of restraint when I cinch the buckle down and I feel the strap firm and tight and restrictive across the front of my ankle... it's a sensual moment that I am a little loathe to hand over to someone else.
Those 6 weeks took a toll. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating it is to only be able to dance two or three tandas in a night. I just don't have the stamina for more. Where did it go?

And my balance! Ugh. I feel like a very beginner again, only this time I know enough to know how bad it feels. It's so discouraging. I haven't actually had to use my partner for balance since I started, and now... if the leader does anything that isn't perfectly centered it throws me off.

I had a lovely night on Friday where I had people signing my dance card before I could even get my shoes on but I just couldn't dance more than a few tandas and I was so disappointed. Last night was the same.

Those of you that have taken extended breaks, was it hard to come back? Did you notice a difference? I'm hoping my lack of stamina is just because I was so sick and it will return, but other pregnant people seem to think it's their job to burst that happy bubble.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


Alex is talking about them, and so is Limerick, and MsHedgehog too. I guess I'll jump in too.

Someone please explain how I would do one, and when, that is unlead? Not that I necessarily want to, but I feel like the only eejit in the field that hasn't figured this out. I see it happen on the floor, but I just don't seem to be able to compute how they know to do one.

Even when they're lead, I still don't feel like I manage them gracefully or attractively or even in the expected timeframe. It's on my list of things to work on during a private, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. I guess I think of it as an embellishment and so it sinks a bit on my priority list. But the more comfortable I get the more I would like to at least *feel* like I did it right when they ask me too.


Friday, December 5, 2008

I danced

Yesterday I woke up feeling like....me. It was wonderful. And at about 6pm, I knew I'd be going to the practica. And I did.

I went in knowing that I really only intended to dance two or so tandas, and that there were only two leaders I felt comfortable enough to dance with, and they were both there, and it was really really nice.

But I was still worried. 6 weeks with no dancing. From 5 nights a week to nothing, for 6 weeks. Not even the desire. I was worried how I would feel, how my dance would be, concerned that somewhere I had lost that ephemeral "it".

The dance was fine. All that anxiety, and I felt ok. I didn't feel ungainly, stupid, uncoordinated or like I had forgotten everything. In fact, I smiled. A lot.

And when the second leader inquired about my absence and I explained that I was pregnant with twins and hadn't been well, the sweetest twinkle and the nicest glow swept over him, and he hugged me and said he was so looking forward to dancing with me as I got bigger. And it was so genuine and gleeful that I couldn't help but feel beautiful and wanted and appreciated. That, truly, was the most wonderful thing that could have happened to my dance last night.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Proposition 8-- The Musical

Damn, even when we're persecuted, we're still entertaining.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Tango and Argyle Chihuahas

I like this song, but don't really dig rat dogs, or rat dogs in argyle sweaters. In fact, the whole thing is a little weird.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Tango Tonight

I actually want to go. I don't want to dance, but I want to go.

This is a marked improvement!

I see Tango again, on the horizon! WooHoo!

12 weeks 1 day

We graduated to the OB today. I am no longer under the care of the Reproductive Endocrinologist. I am no longer on ANY medications, and I no longer have debilitating nausea.

We've also hit the 12 week mark, which means that our risk of miscarriage drops significantly, and both babies look great and are growing appropriately.

The parents told their families on Thanksgiving, and it was such a joy to hear them share. With our last pregnancy, they were hesitant to believe until much later. This time around it seems that they are calmer and more relaxed and not so wounded. It's beautiful. And they love the idea of what is about to happen to their household. What a joy to be able to giggle at the thought of the mayhem that is going to descend on them!

So, yes, I said OB. That's right. No midwives for me, and no home birth. The last birth wasn't either. It was a hospital birth. My first. It was big leap for me to birth in a hospital and I went through all kinds of professional guilt about betraying my fellow midwives by birthing in the hospital. But in the end, it was a nice experience and I expect this one to be just as nice.

The OB is someone I knew before I became a surrogate. He would take my transfers, and I even attended a few births with him. So, we had a nice respect for each other and knew each other pretty well. With the last birth, I would come to prenatals, tell him the pertinent information and then we'd talk birth politics and community news for 20 minutes, then I'd leave. During our labor and birth he took my lead and pretty much let me run the show. As it should be, of course, but unusual in an OB. This time, with twins, he earned my respect all over again. We were discussing the delivery and what would be required. I don't want an epidural, hep lock, etc. I want a vaginal unmedicated birth like my others, assuming everything is ok with the babies. And his response was, "well...it's your body and we can work with that. I prefer this, but we can do it how you want it too". Love him.

I have a little bump and I'd like to say it's cute, but I'm actually just at the awkward stage where I look like I have a giant gut and I want a pin that says, Actually I'm Pregnant.

So, that's the baby update.