Getting so Big!

Remember these little beauties:

Look at what they've become:

(his head is still giant compared to hers!)

Couple Dating

This whole process of choosing the next set of Intended Parents that I will carry is daunting.

Here is the ad I have up on a popular surrogate website:

Experienced GC looking to help one more family!

I delivered a singleton in 2007 and twins in 2009 for a wonderful NY family. The joy at seeing their family complete brings me back to help one more family.

I:
• am 34, have a 23 BMI, and am VERY healthy. Strawberry blond hair, blue eyes, fair complexion;
• am partnered, have children and am financially, emotionally and socially secure;
• live in Eugene, Oregon, which offers something similar to pre-birth orders;
• have health insurance with no surrogacy or prenatal exclusions;
• have healthy easy pregnancies and deliveries;
• am asking a $**k base comp, with typical extras
• am ready to start cycling in late Summer, early Fall

The Ideal Intended Parents:
• are financially, emotionally and socially ready;
• are good communicators;
• value a healthy lifestyle, low intervention pregnancy and birth, and breastfeeding;
• prefer a singleton and a sibling project over twins

Please email me for a profile, photos and other information. I am excited to match with the right family, get to know each other, and help you have your baby!

I do not discriminate based on gender, sexuality, ethnicity, race, religion.

So, they reply and ask me a bunch of questions, and it's like internet dating.  Maybe we progress to a phone call, but what typically happens is that we find something in the process that tells us we don't want to be so intimately involved in eachother's lives.

sigh.  I don't like this part so much.  I wish for new IPs to just fall into my lap.  If you know of someone wonderful, let me know.

Update

It's been a over a year since my last blog, and a fairly momentous year too!

Tomorrow I turn 35, and I find each year is better than the last. No one tells you that growing oldER is a joy, but truly it is!

The man I fell in love with (to be known as WonderfulMan herein) is still an amazingly beautiful man, and I can say this past year has been one of the biggest for personal growth. We moved in together last May, and we have been together for a year as of December 8th. We have been working hard at loving one another, managing a large (!) blended family, and still holding on to our personal autonomy.

On Previous Topics (this is an update post, after all):

Queer Girl dates Man: I no longer feel conspicuous or out of place walking down the street holding hands with a man. However, my social community has definitely changed. My queer friends continue on with their lives, and we don't see eachother as often. While I understand that is part of what happens when you couple, it feels a profound loss to me and I often feel alone and a little lost. My partner is amazing, but he isn't, and has never been, queer. It's hard to share a world with him that he doesn't relate to and has little impact on his life.

Tango: I've reached new places this year, and I am so thankful. Tango isn't angsty anymore! What a relief. SERIOUSLY. I fall deeper in love with the music and find myself in deeper introspection. And it is lovely to share tango with my partner. I heard so many warnings about dating/loving in the tango scene, but it enriches my relationship with tango, and also with WonderfulMan.

Parenting: My role as a parent has expanded. WonderfulMan and I now parent 10 kids:

• My two biological boys (ages almost 15 and 10),

• my live-in foster son/adult (19),

• my former fosterson (22--and he'd probably bristle at the idea that I'm parenting him still, but I am even if he doesn't know it),

• and WonderfulMan's children: ages 5, 8, 9, 12(the only girl!!!), 13. WonderfulMan also has an 18 year old son that doesn't live with us that I get to love.

WonderfulMan's kids are with us almost half-time. It has been a lot of (rewarding) work on everyone's parts to learn to become a family, and we are still working on it. But, I think, overall, it's been a really lovely thing.

Surrogacy: The twins turned two right about the same time WonderfulMan and I, and our families, moved in together. They, and their brother, are amazingly beautiful, and the older I get the more warm glowy my heart gets. I continue to value the relationship with their parents in a way I can't really begin to explain, except to say that there are many things that I am proud of in my life and that bring me joy, and carrying those kids for that family is way up there at the top.

I am looking for a new family to carry for, and it's been interesting beginning this process again. I have been looking informally for about 6 months, and have talked with many people, but haven't found the right ones just yet.

I hope to keep up a bit more with the blog, but life is full. I also imagine it will take on more of the (dreaded) MommyBlog thing, as I work through parenting littles again. I appreciate you hanging out with me, and understand if you bail.

Back from New York

What a wonderful week in the city with the Parents and their children. The weather was divine, with crisp in the air, leaves falling everywhere, and the beginnings of scarf temperatures!

I danced. Some very fantastic dances and the worst dance I've ever had as well.

And I spent lots of time with the Parents and their kids. What a joy it was to see them as a family. I wondered if the children would know me, at least a little. The 2 1/2 yr old knew who I was, because his parents talk about me and have pictures of me around. But he didn't know me beyond that. And the twins, they didn't seem to have any special memory of me either. And I wondered, before I got there, how I'd feel if they didn't.

And I felt relieved! It was amazing to see their family. To get to part of their day-to-day as a friend, but to not be pregnant, to not be the one making their dreams true, to just be a treasured friend. It was so perfectly right that the babies didn't know me, and that Tor was shy with me.

Surrogacy has new adventures for me all the time. I wasn't sure completely what I would feel seeing Tor and the babies again. Would I feel a tug of connection? Would I feel some sadness? Would I feel judgmental about how they parent? I really had no idea. But what I felt was satisfaction and completion. I realized, it doesn't really matter to me whether people know how the children got here, and it doesn't even really matter to me if the children know how they got here. Of course, I can say that knowing that the Parents love me, that they honor our experience together, and that the children DO know how much love they were made with. If I weren't so appreciated and treated with such respect, maybe I would feel different?

Again, I am awed by what an amazing experience surrogacy with this family has been.

WOW!

If ever there were something to kick my butt back into posting, it's the hundred + hits I've received this morning courtesy of Mamapedia Voices! Thank you so much for featuring my post.

I am off to New York this weekend to visit the twins, their brother and their fabulous parents! I could not be more thrilled!

I'll post something with a bit more depth later, but I wanted to say that special thanks to Mamapedia, both for featuring me and for getting me on the blog train again.

Beautiful Moments

For me, the moment that makes it true, the moment that makes it all just right, the moment that I carry in my head and heart as the most perfect moments in our surrogacy;

It's the moment after birth when I hold the babies and the mother says something and they turn their heads toward her voice. Because they know her. Babies instinctively turn toward their mothers' voices.

I remember the moment it happened with Tor, and the delight I felt and the surprise! And then the absolute perfectness of that moment. And with the twinnies, ahhhh, the same joy.

It could not be more beautiful than that moment.

They're Gone. : (

Today I kissed their precious little heads, hugged their parents hard, and said my GoodByes.

It's such a bittersweet moment to have them go home. I want desperately for them to return to their lives and settle into their being parents, to leave the surrogacy part of it behind and just be their family. To have the completion and the normalcy that families not struck with infertility have. To just be a family, not a family through surrogacy.

And so I held them tight and loved their sweet little butter bodies, and talked and laughed with the parents, and put each special second in a sacred decorated part of my brain to mull over and dig through and wallow in for the next week as I miss them terribly.

And my heart is so tender and filled with joy and I am completely at peace, but Oh, I miss them already. I miss the parents and the way they light up when their babies lock eyes with them. I miss the way the parents talk to eachother with the closeness of people who know eachother through and through. I miss the closeness and special delight we all have in eachother. I miss the feel of their little bodies melting against me. I miss the joy I get from watching the parents figure out all the intricacies of what their babies like. I guess I just miss them.

And still, I am filled with an indescribable joy and sense of completion and satisfaction. This is what surrogacy is, this combination of love and passion and perfect loss.

I am so proud of those parents and feel so lucky to share in this special thing we all did together. I can't think of what I did to deserve such a blessing, but I am thankful and humbled to be granted such a love as strong as this.

Babies Are Here!

More to come later, but...

The Babies Are Here!

They were born last night and are doing well. Both are healthy and vigorous and cute and didn't need any NICU time.

I'm sore and tired and relieved to no longer be pregnant.

And, I am beyond honored and thrilled to be part of creating this family! What a joy to see the parents loving their babies!

Thanks for everyone's interest, and those of you checking in! I promise a more detailed birth story in a couple days.

34+ preggo update

We're 34 weeks and some change, coming up quickly on 35 weeks and I'm round and full of babies! The end is just a couple short weeks away, and I've started to feel that melancholy bittersweet sense of wanting to grasp every single last little moment of enjoying having the babies in me, and also just want to be able to mow my damn lawn!

I asked pretty please for the cerclage to come out early so I didn't have to worry about removing it once I was in labor, so the surgery to remove it is scheduled for Wednesday, which (by their reckoning) will put us at exactly 35 weeks. The mama of the babies will be here the following Monday, and I think it would be nice to have them sometime that week, but I wouldn't mind if they wanted to hang out a while longer too. Although 37-38 weeks would be better, anything after 36 is fine too. They'll be healthy and happy, just not as plump as I would like.

I am really enjoying this last part of the pregnancy, and being round and full moon big. Today the sun was out and it was a treasure to feel it warming my taut skin, and to feel the babies squirming as they too were warmed. I can't really think of much I like better. In the end, I just do love being pregnant.

I am excited to see their mama again! Although we talk a lot, I haven't seen the mama and papa since the birth of Tor, nearly 2 years ago! It seems like so long, but when you are just going through your daily living motions it goes so fast, and suddenly it's been two years. The mama isn't bringing my surroson with her for the birth of the twins, and I completely understand! I can't imagine trying to figure out how to juggle all of the arrangements and having no idea when the babies will come, etc. I will go out to visit them sometime this summer and it will be so nice to see the whole family together! But for now, I am just looking forward to getting some one-on-one time with the mama. I have grown to really love her.

The rest of my life has been busy and full; with tango stuff (but no dancing), parenting, work, etc...all the things that keep life moving and lovely. For the most part, it's wonderful and satisfying.

Hopefully, my next blog post will be an announcement of babies!

Lots of spring love to all of you in the blogosphere!

Errant Blogger Update

So, today I got really really good news.

First, I'm 28 weeks pregnant! That's a milestone in multiple pregnancies.

And, the babies are both great. They're about two weeks ahead of where singletons usually are right now, so they are growing really really well. Baby Boy is nearly three pounds and his sister is just a little bit behind him. Baby Boy (who is presenting) is also vertex, which means that as long as he stays that way, and it's likely he will, I can have them vaginally! Baby Girl is breech, but that doesn't matter so much in twin births.

And, because everything looks so good the perinatologist told me I can increase my activity level to 3-4 times what I'm currently doing. And I can go into work for 2 hours a day instead of 1! This all sounds perfect to me. I'm not back to my normal activity level, but who wants to be when hitting the third trimester with twins anyway!

And, he told me I can take 4 15 minute walks a day. hmmm.....15 minutes is more than most tandas. And tango really is just walking. I'm sure I can find some nice tangueros that would like to take a stroll with me....

So, good news all around.

I miss the (tango) touch

The other night I had a friend embrace me in a way that I haven't had since I stopped dancing. It wasn't a tango embrace, it was just a sweet touch and a hug, but it reminded me of the intimacy I am missing out on.

I am not, overall, a touchy person but I get my fair share of hugs and cuddles. But it's different in a way I don't completely know how to explain. There is an intimacy that comes with knowing how people move together, how they connect beyond the words, that I think is unique to lovers, to mothers and their young children, to tango dancers.

And I miss it. I miss the touch and the touching. I miss the intuitive loving we do when we wrap someone in an embrace, or allow ourselves to be wrapped in an embrace.

*sigh*

i miss dancing

Yay! Good news!

Today the perinatologist did another scan and (finally!) it was all good news! Both babies look great, and growing ahead of schedule and have topped the 1 1/2 lb. mark! And, my cervix is holding well and looks good.

AND, he said I could start slowing adding some low level activity to my schedule. Starting with walking 10 minutes a day! And then in a week or two adding yoga, and eventually adding swimming into the mix! I can not even begin to tell you how liberating it feels to hear this!

And, instead of the doom and gloom speech of 'Prepare Yourself for 28 Weekers', I got the probably more like 34 weeks. This could all change in a matter of hours if things go wonky, but for now I'll take this great news and celebrate!

What I do for a living.

Yesterday I was sitting in my car waiting for my kids to get out of school and a mom that I am casually friendly with approached me and mentioned that she didn't know I was pregnant again. We chit-chatted a bit about it and I told her that these babies weren't mine either, that it was another surrogacy, and for the same family I carried for before.

And she said, "How interesting. I've never met anyone that makes their living doing what you do."

I know she meant it in a genuine and interested way, and that she was in no way being catty or rude.

I have a job. I make my living as a legal assistant in a family formation law firm. Surrogacy is NOT a job. I am not paid to carry someone's baby. I am compensated for the effort and time I go through, and I realize that is a fine line if you aren't living it.

I don't know why it bothers me so much this time around, but it does. A lot.

Surrogacy and Money

I know it's a topic of interest.

I don't get that much money for carrying a baby (or babies), for fulfilling a dream, for creating a family. If one were to average it out, it's no where near minimum wage. The compensation I receive as a surrogate is part of what makes it a legit and legal exchange, part of what defines the parameters to keep everyone safe, part of what makes the sacrifices worth it. But it's not WHY I am surrogate. In fact, I don't know a single surrogate that actually considers money the main reason she carries. And, in all honesty, as I sit her on bedrest, the idea that the money is the motivation is laughable. There really isn't enough money out there to make me halting my normal life worth it.

But I will tell you what is worth it all:

Creating a Family
Being part of something done with such Intention
Knowing that these children are wanted, cherished and cared for
Helping someone's Dream come true
Feeling these babies kick and knowing that every ounce of thought about them is suffused with love

I've seen births that I walked away from and said prayers for those babies and the lives ahead of them. I've seen new parents with no thought or consideration for what it means to actually parent. I've had children in my home that have so much damage that I'm not sure they can be loved enough to repair it.

I have a chance to help repair just a little bit of that damage, to balance it out.

So, yes, I'm compensated and it helps, but it's at the bottom of the list of why I am a surrogate. And so when people ask me first about the money, or say "You must get paid a lot to be willing to do that" or they make snide comments about babyselling, or they suggest I am a uterine whore....I don't even know what to say. The rude ones I don't bother with, they won't get it anyway.

But the rest of the people....how do I convey to them the aching beauty and trust that the parents share with me, give to me, to carry their child? And the absolute honor that is? How do I convey to them that this lovely little being inside of me wants and expects nothing more than the purity of love for a short time, and I get to give it? How do I share the absolute heartwrenching moment of seeing the parents realize that the baby in their arms is theirs?

I wish I could get people to really understand what is at the heart of being a surrogate.

What else does she have to do?

So, one might suppose that because I'm on bedrest I would have nothing better to do than sit around and blog. But One would be wrong! There is so much more to do. Here is a list of my daily activities that prevent me from blogging (not necessarily in order):

1. obsession with Surrogate Mothers Online forums
2. Facebook
3. Staring at the dirty door frames, cupboards, etc in my house
4. disrupting my cat's need to slumber right where I am laying
5. obsessing about how I'm not tangoing
6. feeling guilty for having a faulty cervix


In all seriousness, I will be on bedrest until the babies come. If you look alllllll the way down at the bottom of my blog, there's a ticker that will tell you exactly how long that is supposed to be.

I'm bored. I'm slightly depressed. I'm NOT lonely (thanks to wonderful friends, and my lovely children) and I miss being able to just do regular everyday things without thinking if I am jeopardizing anyone.

My children soon got over the novelty of having my undivided attention (maybe they could sense my desperateness?) and have gone back to their surprisingly uneffected routines. They are wonderful and have really been sweet about picking up where I have stepped away, and I am continually amazed and honored to have these kids in my life.

And, underneath all this bedridden angst is the really sweet reminders when Baby Boy kicks and moves, and Baby Girl does her little floaty thing that makes me feel like she's a dolphin in there, that I am bringing them into the world and being part of building this family is still one of the most special things I've ever been part of.

In the Hospital

Well thanks to a small complication, I've spent the last couple of days in the hospital. I'm ok, and the babies are great, and I'm glad we all caught it before it got too far along.

It seems that my cervix is shortening, and so we put in a cerclage. A cerclage is a band of suture that goes through or around (mine is around) the cervix to prevent if from opening prematurely. It is a necessary intervention in our case. We'll remove it around 34-36 weeks, and let labor happen on its own. And hope that we don't go into labor before that.

This means limited activity for me, and at least a week of full bed rest. At home, at least. It means a whole lot of sitting and laying around. This will be a new experience for me, because, I don't know if you can tell--but, I'm kind of a busy person.

It will also mean board games in bed with my kids, extra snuggles, reading books together, quiet time, and bonding with my cat. It's not how I wanted it to work out, but an excuse to lay around and hang out with my kids sounds ok too. I haven't had time to have that kind of one-on-one with them, that kind of dedicated, nothing else we need to do, kind of time in a loooong time. That part of it will be nice.

This also means no more tango for this pregnancy.

Baby Update

We are right about 17 weeks! Not quite halfway there, though, since twins usually come early we're closer to halfway than not.

Both babies are doing very well. Baby A (this is the baby that will be born first) is a littl boy, and Baby B (who is happily stretched across the top of my uterus) is a little girl. Yesterday we did another ultrasound (I have them every three weeks--I think that's a bit excessive, but I'm sure that's the homebirth midwife in me talking) and Baby B had her foot constantly pressed up against Baby A's head. I wonder if he'll throw that in her face later in life?

They are both growing a bit ahead of schedule, which is good. Better to have babies that are bigger than expected than to have babies that are smaller than they should be.

I'm really just beginning to feel movement. All day today I felt Baby A poking me where my pants pushed in on him. And Baby B is fainter but I'm beginning to feel her more. She's the one that gets in the way in close embrace. I actually had to pull out of close embrace on Saturday and move to open because she was in an awkward position that made it uncomfortable for me.

Typically the belly growth measurements correspond to what week you are in your pregnancy. So, at twenty weeks the fundus (or top) of the uterus is usually level with the belly button. I'm measuring at about 22 - 23 weeks, with the babies just a bit below my ribcage. I have a cute round belly.

No more illness or nausea, but I seem to have lost my appetite. I'm working on trying to get all the calories in that I need, but it's hard. Weight gain is a little below what it should be.

I feel really good and remember that this is the time that I most love in pregnancy. The second trimester. Lots of energy, sweet belly, lots of kicks. This is fun!

The parents are busy picking out names and settling in to the reality that they really are going to have twins. I love hearing the joy in the mama's voice and the fear in the papa's. It's really sweet.

So, that's the baby update. We're doing well.

Boleos

Alex is talking about them, and so is Limerick, and MsHedgehog too. I guess I'll jump in too.

Someone please explain how I would do one, and when, that is unlead? Not that I necessarily want to, but I feel like the only eejit in the field that hasn't figured this out. I see it happen on the floor, but I just don't seem to be able to compute how they know to do one.

Even when they're lead, I still don't feel like I manage them gracefully or attractively or even in the expected timeframe. It's on my list of things to work on during a private, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. I guess I think of it as an embellishment and so it sinks a bit on my priority list. But the more comfortable I get the more I would like to at least *feel* like I did it right when they ask me too.

sigh.

12 weeks 1 day

We graduated to the OB today. I am no longer under the care of the Reproductive Endocrinologist. I am no longer on ANY medications, and I no longer have debilitating nausea.

We've also hit the 12 week mark, which means that our risk of miscarriage drops significantly, and both babies look great and are growing appropriately.

The parents told their families on Thanksgiving, and it was such a joy to hear them share. With our last pregnancy, they were hesitant to believe until much later. This time around it seems that they are calmer and more relaxed and not so wounded. It's beautiful. And they love the idea of what is about to happen to their household. What a joy to be able to giggle at the thought of the mayhem that is going to descend on them!

So, yes, I said OB. That's right. No midwives for me, and no home birth. The last birth wasn't either. It was a hospital birth. My first. It was big leap for me to birth in a hospital and I went through all kinds of professional guilt about betraying my fellow midwives by birthing in the hospital. But in the end, it was a nice experience and I expect this one to be just as nice.

The OB is someone I knew before I became a surrogate. He would take my transfers, and I even attended a few births with him. So, we had a nice respect for each other and knew each other pretty well. With the last birth, I would come to prenatals, tell him the pertinent information and then we'd talk birth politics and community news for 20 minutes, then I'd leave. During our labor and birth he took my lead and pretty much let me run the show. As it should be, of course, but unusual in an OB. This time, with twins, he earned my respect all over again. We were discussing the delivery and what would be required. I don't want an epidural, hep lock, etc. I want a vaginal unmedicated birth like my others, assuming everything is ok with the babies. And his response was, "well...it's your body and we can work with that. I prefer this, but we can do it how you want it too". Love him.

I have a little bump and I'd like to say it's cute, but I'm actually just at the awkward stage where I look like I have a giant gut and I want a pin that says, Actually I'm Pregnant.

So, that's the baby update.

Surrogacy and Infertility, what it means to me as a surrogate

Kym, a surrogate and mother that dealt with infertility herself, posted some wonderful insights on how entering into surrogacy is a trip into infertility for the surrogate. Many of us become surrogates because we love pregnancy, love the idea of helping others have families. But we enter it in a wave of innocence. Most of us have little understanding of what infertility means, how it impacts women and their families, and how it can effect us.

I had theories about what it meant to be infertile. But the far reaching range of emotions was way bigger than I could ever have imagined.

Through surrogacy, I have experienced 11 cycles. Me, with my perfect uterus, my perfect pregnancy history, my simple homebirths. Even with modern science, I couldn't get pregnant 9 of those cycles. And each time, I wondered if it was my fault. It was humbling. I never thought it wouldn't work, until it didn't.

And that's me. That doesn't even begin to touch my Intended Parents that have gone through years of trying, repeated miscarriages, surgeries, invasive testing, poking, prodding, and each step their hope being whittled away to next to nothing. Except, they manage to keep it. Their hope, that is. It's slightly tarnished, and colored with some slightly off-kilter humor, and probably lots of counseling, but it's there.

These people look at the thing the want most in their lives and realize they can't make it happen for themselves, and then they hand it over to us. They hand it to a surrogate and say, Make my dream come true. The strength and belief that takes makes me cry. I don't know that I could give that much, trust that much, release that much. It is an enormous gift to be part of their dream.