Birthday Wishes

This isn't me, but it could be!

From as far back as I can remember, I have been drawn to big tractory type creatures.  They lumber around, scoop things up, tear things down, move big heavy stuff, and turn humans into SUPERhumans.  The way some little girls fantasize about their wedding gowns, I've played dress-up in my mind with carhartt coveralls, orange safety-vests and personalized hard hats and ear muff(in)s.

Several months back I mentioned to my boss that it was my 35th birthday wish that I drive a backhoe.  We laughed about it, and in my overly busy way, I promptly forgot.

But my boss and co-workers did not.

We do office celebrations for birthdays, and each year I duck out on my own and ask that we not do much, that I don't enjoy being the center of attention, etc.  And they, begrudgingly, agree.  And so yesterday, I got a very nice card with lots of sweet messages in it, and some happy birthdays and it was blissfully a non-event.

Today, when my boss lured me away for an office errand, they surprised me with Heavy Machinery.  (ok, really is was medium heavy machinery, but still!!!)

I learned how to drive one of these:

which they called 'the Ferrari'.  It goes back and forth, AND UP AND DOWN!!!

And one of these:

which I got to scoop and dump gravel with!  The dumping sounds a little like a rain stick, and was my favorite part.  Well, and the having to ram the tractor into the gravel pile before scooping.

And when we got back to the office, my co-worker had prepared pans of 'dirt' that had hidden treats in it, and there were little front loaders to drive through the delicious 'dirt'.

Best Office Birthday Party EVER!!!

Brigitta Winkler

Brigitta Winkler was here this last weekend, and I can't say enough good things about her!

She was gracious, warm, friendly, and a fantastic teacher. In addition, her total lack of snobbishness was refreshing and charming. In addition to learning lots from her, I really felt her dedication to sharing the essence of connection. If you get a chance, she is well worth spending a weekend with!

Babies Are Here!

More to come later, but...

The Babies Are Here!

They were born last night and are doing well. Both are healthy and vigorous and cute and didn't need any NICU time.

I'm sore and tired and relieved to no longer be pregnant.

And, I am beyond honored and thrilled to be part of creating this family! What a joy to see the parents loving their babies!

Thanks for everyone's interest, and those of you checking in! I promise a more detailed birth story in a couple days.

34+ preggo update

We're 34 weeks and some change, coming up quickly on 35 weeks and I'm round and full of babies! The end is just a couple short weeks away, and I've started to feel that melancholy bittersweet sense of wanting to grasp every single last little moment of enjoying having the babies in me, and also just want to be able to mow my damn lawn!

I asked pretty please for the cerclage to come out early so I didn't have to worry about removing it once I was in labor, so the surgery to remove it is scheduled for Wednesday, which (by their reckoning) will put us at exactly 35 weeks. The mama of the babies will be here the following Monday, and I think it would be nice to have them sometime that week, but I wouldn't mind if they wanted to hang out a while longer too. Although 37-38 weeks would be better, anything after 36 is fine too. They'll be healthy and happy, just not as plump as I would like.

I am really enjoying this last part of the pregnancy, and being round and full moon big. Today the sun was out and it was a treasure to feel it warming my taut skin, and to feel the babies squirming as they too were warmed. I can't really think of much I like better. In the end, I just do love being pregnant.

I am excited to see their mama again! Although we talk a lot, I haven't seen the mama and papa since the birth of Tor, nearly 2 years ago! It seems like so long, but when you are just going through your daily living motions it goes so fast, and suddenly it's been two years. The mama isn't bringing my surroson with her for the birth of the twins, and I completely understand! I can't imagine trying to figure out how to juggle all of the arrangements and having no idea when the babies will come, etc. I will go out to visit them sometime this summer and it will be so nice to see the whole family together! But for now, I am just looking forward to getting some one-on-one time with the mama. I have grown to really love her.

The rest of my life has been busy and full; with tango stuff (but no dancing), parenting, work, etc...all the things that keep life moving and lovely. For the most part, it's wonderful and satisfying.

Hopefully, my next blog post will be an announcement of babies!

Lots of spring love to all of you in the blogosphere!

Errant Blogger Update

So, today I got really really good news.

First, I'm 28 weeks pregnant! That's a milestone in multiple pregnancies.

And, the babies are both great. They're about two weeks ahead of where singletons usually are right now, so they are growing really really well. Baby Boy is nearly three pounds and his sister is just a little bit behind him. Baby Boy (who is presenting) is also vertex, which means that as long as he stays that way, and it's likely he will, I can have them vaginally! Baby Girl is breech, but that doesn't matter so much in twin births.

And, because everything looks so good the perinatologist told me I can increase my activity level to 3-4 times what I'm currently doing. And I can go into work for 2 hours a day instead of 1! This all sounds perfect to me. I'm not back to my normal activity level, but who wants to be when hitting the third trimester with twins anyway!

And, he told me I can take 4 15 minute walks a day. hmmm.....15 minutes is more than most tandas. And tango really is just walking. I'm sure I can find some nice tangueros that would like to take a stroll with me....

So, good news all around.

Falling in love

Tonight I fell in love with tango all over again. It's that moment when you look at someone that is so familiar to you and for just a second you see a total stranger, closely followed by this stabbing hollowing upsurge of love that leaves you breathless. That was tango for me tonight.

The snow set it for me. I love snow. I was a mountain high Colorado girl, with a view of the Continental Divide from my bedroom. I love the powder, the cold, the ritual, the being at the mercy and the dance of the weather. And so this storm is like a special secret Christmas gift just for me. And as I walked to the practica/milonga the flakes were fat and full and like little bits of laughter landing on my cheeks.

And the milonga hall was warm and cheery, Canaro through the speakers, lovely dancers. And my first dances were with someone I adore and they were mmmmm goood, and each that followed was a different taste.

It was like the best meal I had ever eaten, and right now that's saying a lot!

I danced

Yesterday I woke up feeling like....me. It was wonderful. And at about 6pm, I knew I'd be going to the practica. And I did.

I went in knowing that I really only intended to dance two or so tandas, and that there were only two leaders I felt comfortable enough to dance with, and they were both there, and it was really really nice.

But I was still worried. 6 weeks with no dancing. From 5 nights a week to nothing, for 6 weeks. Not even the desire. I was worried how I would feel, how my dance would be, concerned that somewhere I had lost that ephemeral "it".

The dance was fine. All that anxiety, and I felt ok. I didn't feel ungainly, stupid, uncoordinated or like I had forgotten everything. In fact, I smiled. A lot.

And when the second leader inquired about my absence and I explained that I was pregnant with twins and hadn't been well, the sweetest twinkle and the nicest glow swept over him, and he hugged me and said he was so looking forward to dancing with me as I got bigger. And it was so genuine and gleeful that I couldn't help but feel beautiful and wanted and appreciated. That, truly, was the most wonderful thing that could have happened to my dance last night.

Ultrasound Today

Today, at 6 weeks 3 days, we had our first ultrasound. Guess. Guess what we saw?

Did you guess?

Two.

Two Gestational Sacs.

Two Yolk Sacs.

Two developing embryos.

Two sweet twittery fluttery little heartbeats.

Twins. There are two. We have two little babies growing inside of me. Which means a total of three heartbeats inside my body.

Joy

I feel like I haven't blogged much. No angst, dancing is good, we're pregnant, I love my job, blah blah. Life is Good.

Last night was the second milonga in a new series of Friday night milongas. The hosts do a wonderful job of transforming our normal venue into something cozy, welcoming, intimate and special with charming treats. The music was very good (all Golden age, and well put together), they played Oigo tu voz (which makes me swoon every time I hear it, which isn't often enough at the milongas) and other than needing to do some frequent volume adjusting, I was delighted with the music.

The dancers were sweet, friendly, not cliquey and it was relatively gender balanced.

And the real joy? The community, the drinks afterward (not me, of course), the socializing. It was a lovely way to start my weekend.

You can't tell through cyberspace, but all I can do is glow. I'm glowy.

Oigo Tu Voz, Lucio DeMare with Raul Beron

Oigo Tu Voz, (1943) Lucio DeMare with vocalistRaul Beron

OIGO TU VOZ I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Miedo de morir, Fear of death
ansia de vivir, longing to live
sueño o realidad?... dream or reality?
Algo quiere ser something wants to be
un amanecer a daybreak
en mi soledad... in my solitude
Canto que olvidé, Song that I forgot
sitios que dejé, places that I left
dicha que perdí... happiness I lost
Hoy en la emoción Today in the emotion
de mi corazón of my heart
todo vuelve a mí! everything comes back to me

Oigo tu voz I hear your voice
la que mi oído no olvida! which my ear does not forget
Me trae tu voz your voice brings me
hasta mi pena escondida even my hidden pain
la luz y la vida the life and light
de un rayo de sol... of a sun ray
Vuelvo a escuchar I hear again
el nombre mío en tu acento, my name in your accent
sin descifrar without deciphering
si es la palabra que siento if I feel the word
mentira del viento, lies of the wind
delirio, no más... delirium, that's all

Tiemblo por saber I tremble for knowing
si en mi puerta estás, if you are at my door
si es tu propia voz; if it is your voice
y no quiero abrir and I do not want to open
para no llorar so I won't cry
muerta mi ilusión... my illusion
Déjame pensar Let me think
que a salvar vendrás that you will come to save
el deshecho amor... the undone love
Déjame creer Let me believe
que eres siempre, al fin, that you are always, on end,
tú mejor que yo! you better than I!

We Have Positive Numbers! We're Pregnant!

143! That is a very respectable number. It's right in the range for a singleton. Which we like. It could be twins, but likely it's just one.

WooHOooooo! We're pregnant. And it's a happy healthy number.

We'll do another beta on Tuesday, to make sure the numbers are doubling. If the numbers double, it indicates a growing embryo. If they don't double, we'll do repeat betas until the numbers either start to fall or come back in line. If it more than doubles, that's great news. If it more than a lot doubles it might indicate multiples.

We will do an u/s on October 22 (they wanted to schedule it for the 20th, but I'll still be at TangoFest in Portland) to see if there is a heartbeat and how many there are.

sigh. I feel like I can breathe!

the due date: June 14th. Hah! We have a due date!!!!

This has been my favorite poem since about 8th grade

  i like my body when it is with your
 body. It is so quite a new thing.
 Muscles better and nerves more.
 i like your body. i like what it does,
 i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
 of your body and its bones, and the trembling
 -firm-smooth ness and which i will
 again and again and again
 kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
 i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
 of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
 over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

 and possibly i like the thrill

 of under me you quite so new
                       --e e cummings

Vulnerability

In all honesty, friends, it terrifies me.

The absolute intensity that this thing, this Tango, awakens in me is terrifying.

That serpent of passion is coiled pretty deeply inside me. I thought we had found a way to coexist. He had his space, and I had mine. Occasionally, when all the conditions were right and safe, we might play a little together. But always with protection, never too close, always barely touching fingertips. Controlled.

But all bets are off now. He dances to the music, and when I am looking or when I'm not he coils himself around the little figure that is me that coexists in this body and he takes me for a ride and I just don't have any say.

I always knew he was bigger than me. I always new that if it came down to a contest between Passion and Personality, well....Passion would win hands down. And if it came to that, it would be ok because all else would be obliterated. There would only be the aftermath to deal with.

But this music, this dance...it is pulling and twisting us together and I'm finding that the passion and the personality are not as separate as I thought. And it terrifies me. I liked that neat tidy package, and nothing feels neat or tidy anymore. I feel like I am in this spiral of release and fill, and I have no say in it whatsoever. And more, I don't want to have any say. I just want to give in and go.

And in those moments, like tonight, it is glorious to go.

and the aftermath is frightening, because I'm trying to clean up and separate and reorganize what was torn open for me...and there's just no map for this.

and the only solace I can think of is to bury myself even deeper. To hope it opens me even more.

Passion for Tango

Excerpted from a letter with a friend, about losing our mojo in tango.

It does underlie everything in the dance, doesn't it? It's hard though, in those moments of lapse, to remember that anything else exists.

What is it about tango that strips us?

I think it's the music. It's so absolute, and in the absence of our own mojo, the music intensifies the lack. It pulls from my gut that sense of want and then tugs me along like a pull toy. Sometimes I hate feeling played with that way. And sometimes I can think of nothing else. It's the lover that knows all the buttons to push; to melt me and to denigrate me and to bring me high and to show I'm nothing, and then to make me beg for more because I've rarely felt something so beautifully intense.

I don't feel the same with alternative music. From that, I can just walk away if the night isn't flowing. But never from traditional. It follows me, sits with me, demands my attention. Sometimes I have to find that bravado, that mojo, that sense of fullness in myself...just to make it go away for a couple minutes so I can breathe.

But then, in that second of breath, I fall in love all over again.

ssssshhhh.......

I've had a quiet week in the blogoshpere, because my real life has been jam packed.

1. Virus on computer.
2. 2nd week of school, including an overnight for my middle schooler.
3. Board meetings (already!) -- I'm on our charter school's board of directors.
4. Placement meetings, and tours of the (sorta) new school for 16 yr. old. Yay! He has a school and starts Monday!
5. Normal everyday life, including a house that is messy 12 minutess after I clean it; the never-ending pile of laundry which currently includes my 22 yr.old brother's laundry (because I'm nice like that); dinner and keeping the fridge stocked with 3 growing boys working hard to keep it empty; and of course , work.
6. Oh right, did I mention daily hormone injections and the mental energy of thinking of getting myself knocked up?

And, of course, dance. I danced Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights last week, did workshops on Saturday and Sunday, and danced Monday night too! And here it is, Thursday night again and the dancing week starts over for me.

So, you see, something had to give. It was you or my kids, Friends. And frankly, they are MUCH louder than you.

I'm hoping to get a little time this afternoon to talk about the workshops this past weekend with Filo Avignonesi. Very Interesting....

TangoClothes

Thank you

Thank you for being my last dance of the night.

Thank you for not apologizing for being sweaty. For not shying away from the small of my back and the length of my spine and my sweat, mingling with yours.

Thank you for the movements in your body, and for the way you asked me to move with you.

Thank you for the soft smile.

Thank you for not breaking our embrace between songs, but for enjoying the pause and the stillness between us, and thank you for leading our moment into the next, as if our time together is so precious that we dare not waste a moment by separating.

and thank you for that length of time, after the last song of the evening, where we waited hopefully for the next, and the bit of regret in your voice as we said our thank you's and walked off the floor together.