Born this way

I have attached a link to a blog that I think is worth visiting.  This blog is filled with pictures of LGBTQ people when they were young, expressing themselves in all their early-queer glory.

I think this blog is important because while we strive for equality, and the people that love us just see us as people, the truth is that in some fundamental ways, queer people feel different from a very young age.  Most of us didn't even really know why we felt different until our later teen years, some it took much longer, and some knew from the very beginning; but almost all of us knew we were different.

This is important, because it illustrates that being gay is built into us.

Gender and loving a man

It's weird to have fallen for a man.

I know that it doesn't matter, not really. I've always fallen for the person, not the gender, but for a long time now I've really only been interested in having long-term relationships with women. My few love affairs with men were temporary, and I knew it, so was comfortable indulging that. Like visiting a foreign country.

And I've always loved Women, because they are women. Not because of some trauma in my life, or abuse or any of the other crap that people use to explain away why someone is gay. I've known since about 4th grade, and maybe even younger, that I liked women. My first crushes were Daisy Duke and Laura Ingalls. When I walk down the street, it's women that turn my head. I barely even glance at men.

But here he is, and I've never been so in love or felt such completion. And it is hard to reconcile this in my head. It's a whole reordering of my social universe.

I feel conspicuous with him in public. It feels weird to have people look at us, or to see us slip in a quick cuddle. Like I am doing something wrong. He tells me they are probably just enjoying our being in love.

He's turning my whole world upside down.

Proposition 8-- The Musical

Damn, even when we're persecuted, we're still entertaining.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Or Maybe...

Or maybe I'll stop feeling like I have to be so damn competent. Maybe I'll discover that I don't want to HAVE to be the one that does everything, that can do everything.

Maybe I'll figure out that it's ok to be taken care of, that it's ok to just be the feminine me, that there is someone that can do some of the things I have to take care of.

Maybe I don't need to be so damn independent.

Maybe I need to allow someone else to become someone I depend on.

Maybe I just need to allow someone to be part of my life.

Damn, growing up is hard.

That Lezzie Thing...

So, after my short-lived love affair, I've returned to the mental musings of a lezzie. I guess that just means my primary orientation is lezzie? I don't know, whatever...

So, on Saturday a couple of my very bestest (lezzie) friends came to the milonga. (Since all my Pre-Tango friends have dropped off my social spectrum, I've realized I have to import them!) Now, these are the friends from this post, the ones that I always feel comfortable with, the ones that I can cry or scream or laugh or just simply be with. But it was a bit weird for me.

Here's why.

When I tango, it's a different side of me. The me that is completely feminine. (I didn't realize I am so compartmentalized....think I need to work on integration?) And with these friends, well....we are part of a drag king troupe. We spend our free time as male impersonators. It was weird to have the two worlds come crashing together. I had a few moments of feeling very exposed when I was embraced by one of my tango crushes....because I love being in his arms so much. (For the record, this is totally my own insecurity--these friends would love me even if I grew 6 heads. In fact, they'd love me 6x as much.)

This is so weird to me, friends. I am so confused about where I am on the spectrum right now. Now that I'm settled with being attracted to men as well as women, I think it's time to sort out what to do with all these facets of masculine and feminine.

I like that I can work on my car and then dress in sexy clothes and dance. But maybe there's a way to integrate those sides without it being so drastic.

Less drama, more flow...

Beyond gender & sexuality

It hit me hard these last few days how dearly I've clung to a sexual identity. Truth be told, from about the time I was twelve I knew I didn't care one whit about a person's gender. I didn't care how they identified, what their sexual organs were, or any other conventional form of creating attraction.

For me, it was all about the person.

I don't want to be identified as bisexual. It's a hard lot. The lesbians shun you and assume you will leave them for a man, or that you will ask them to have sex with you and a man. They don't take you seriously. The het men often are gross and pervy, and think only of the option to satisfy their own wants. There's a stigma to being bi. People assume you are disrespectful, in it for sex, and that there is a misfunction to you, some abuse or happening that made you unable to pick a side.

So when I realized I'd have to choose, I chose lezzie. I love women. I do. I love how their soft bellies yield to my kneading fingers. I love when their voices get husky with desire, I love the soft downy hair that is nearly imperceptible as it laces the curve of their hips into their backs. I love how they smell and how they taste. It felt like no loss to identify. And it was good to have community.

But now I've been greeted by a man, and surprises, I respond. With his demanding hands on my hips, I yield. Because he knows how to ask. Because I want him to ask. And I am contented.

So I think I'll release all the labels. I thought I wanted the community, but I realize it really is as strict and narrow whether you identify as queer or het, and those labels just really never fit. It's enough for me to love the person I am with, to enjoy what he or she offers, and to relish in that person's particular beauty.

Momentous

Well, dear friends, it appears that I have been blindsided by the coyote gods.

Just a few days back I extolled the virtues of, and proclaimed my love for, the single life. I shared with a friend newly in love that while I was happy for her, I thought her insane. I watched their puppy dog adoration and rolled my eyes, content in the knowledge that my lofty place of contented aloneness would outlast their obnoxious enthusiasm for one another.

But friends, I've met someone. It's true. I don't go to the dark side unwillingly, understand. I am standing on the edge of the pool, arms outspread, ready to slide through his cool and inviting depths.

That's right friends, his.

It's not unheard of for me to have a male lover. It's happened off and on through the years. After my last male lover, I decided it was time to stop playing. At some point I would want to commit to someone, to be a monogamous partner, to consider spending a good portion of my life with that one person. And if that was the case, I would have to choose between men or women. I love them both, so the decision really came down to who I would be willing to give up having sex with. I couldn't consider a life without loving women intimately, and so dedicated myself to focusing on that reality.

And I was happy, for the most part, with that decision.

But you know when you come home? That's how this feels. I never expected to feel this again. One moment I was minding my own business, the next we're entwined. It's been days only, friends. We went from nothing to everything in days, and it is glorious.

You don't know me, so have no idea how momentous this is, but it is. Momentous.


yes, he dances. are we doomed now?

Tango makes me reconsider being a lesbian.

(This one's pretty personal for me.)

Tango makes me reconsider being a lesbian.

It's only for those few minutes and it's because of the way I feel in the embrace. I want to feel that way ALWAYS.

I've been single for a few years. And I am really happy being single. I am not lonely and I have wonderful friends, an active social life, a very full parenting life. Nothing is missing and I'm not ready to be partnered. Mostly because I am in a very selfish phase of life. I don't want to share my "me" time, and I absolutely don't want to share my parenting.

But when I am in an embrace that is heaven, it makes me miss that sense of relinquishment. I haven't found it with women yet. Not one of my female lovers has made me want to completely relinquish to her. It's a more hetero concept, I think; that sense of playful and sweet power exchanges.

Is any of this making sense?

I want to feel safe enough, honored enough, respected enough, known enough, to just let my partner take me over. To sense me and my needs, my wants, my fears, my boundaries. To not ignore my voice in it, but to know it so securely and intuitively and minutely that there is no reason for me to hold on to the fears that keep me in control. I want to dissolve for that person. And not in a weak, have no presence or personality kind of way.

And tango reminds me that this is possible. Reminds me that the desire I feel is normal. Reminds me that it's worth holding out for.

How can this still be so?

I was recently blindsided by someone who looked right at me and started sharing with me, confidentially of course, that that child's issue was that she has (said with a conspiratorial and hushed tone) lesbian parents.

I just looked at her. Could she really not know that she just said that to a lesbian parent? Really?

I still just looked at her.

Then, "I bet if that girl had a father he would straighten her right out!"

She just said that to a SINGLE lesbian parent.

In retrospect, I am having a hard time believing that the look of utter disbelief on my face didn't tip her off.

I am astounded by the bigotry, sexism and prejudice that still exists.


Oh, and that child? She is being lovingly raised by lesbian foster parents that see the beautiful jewel that is hidden under all those protective layers that girl had to create to protect herself from her completely screwed-up, drug-addicted, sexually and physically abusive heterosexual parents.

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King'in

I love witty intelligent and creative Drag King acts. Great one Fox!