Saturday, July 19, 2008

Tango makes me reconsider being a lesbian.

(This one's pretty personal for me.)

Tango makes me reconsider being a lesbian.

It's only for those few minutes and it's because of the way I feel in the embrace. I want to feel that way ALWAYS.

I've been single for a few years. And I am really happy being single. I am not lonely and I have wonderful friends, an active social life, a very full parenting life. Nothing is missing and I'm not ready to be partnered. Mostly because I am in a very selfish phase of life. I don't want to share my "me" time, and I absolutely don't want to share my parenting.

But when I am in an embrace that is heaven, it makes me miss that sense of relinquishment. I haven't found it with women yet. Not one of my female lovers has made me want to completely relinquish to her. It's a more hetero concept, I think; that sense of playful and sweet power exchanges.

Is any of this making sense?

I want to feel safe enough, honored enough, respected enough, known enough, to just let my partner take me over. To sense me and my needs, my wants, my fears, my boundaries. To not ignore my voice in it, but to know it so securely and intuitively and minutely that there is no reason for me to hold on to the fears that keep me in control. I want to dissolve for that person. And not in a weak, have no presence or personality kind of way.

And tango reminds me that this is possible. Reminds me that the desire I feel is normal. Reminds me that it's worth holding out for.

6 comments:

Johanna said...

I so love how brutally honest you are about such personal things.

Regarding your dilemma, I cannot possibly address sexuality questions, but I can say that the clarity of archetypal partner roles in tango is the basis of the magic.

Shine said...

I was wondering if this would come up for you? Listening to the way you talk about being embraced by a man...but remembering that you're not that INTO men...but it's not like you have to limit yourself by silly lables.

Mtnhighmama said...

It's true, shine, I don't need to limit myself. And I have always felt that love is not about the gender thing. And I don't think I would turn someone away based on their gender or their sex, but it would be difficult for me to fall for a man.

But, it's not necessarily about being embraced by a man. I know it seems that way, but it could be a woman who evoked the same response. It just hasn't been yet.

Johanna said...

Mtnhighmama, have you danced with a woman? And if so, is there a difference for you?

Mtnhighmama said...

I have danced with women. But not often, and not often enough outside of practice situations.

Truth be told, I haven't felt myself swept into their dance. Which isn't to say it won't happen, but it certainly hasn't.

Which brings it back to that elusive power play thing, at least for me. I want my dance partner strong enough in their intention that I let go of mine and dance through theirs. I think it is harder for women to assume this sort of masterful role in relation to another.

But that's not really what you asked. I guess the difference for me is that women feel...different. They communicate their requests differently, they seem to have a gentler request or a softer way leading. I think I relax just a bit more with women.

I think that the gender roles are integral to making this dance work, but only because of the character that those roles are supposed to carry.

For example: The lead is strong, directed, protective, knows what he wants, entices his follower to move her body the way he wants, he shows her off.

The Follower is strong in his embrace, fluid, melts into him and takes his direction, she looks beautiful for him and in turn makes him feel sexy and strong, she is vulnerable.

I don't see any reason that those roles couldn't exist outside of the the gender associations, but it will be difficult to find, I think.

Johanna said...

I know what you mean. For me, no matter how good a woman leads, it's not the same as when a man leads.