Sunday, July 20, 2008

I Hate Tango II

Ok, so all those things in that other post are true. And,

Tango hurts me. Inside I feel this heaviness. I can't learn enough, take in enough, become it enough to satisfy this place inside me that wants it so badly.

I listen to the music and I hear entire stories that transport me to another time, place, setting, I don't know. Sometimes the stories are about tango, sometimes they aren't. Tonight I heard a Fall story so delicious that I had to pull over and close my eyes and just listen because it was so vivid.

This can't be normal and it scares me that I can have a breadth of passion so deep that I didn't even know existed a year ago. How can I have carried this around for so long, dormant? What else is in there that is undiscovered? Is tango the true passion of my life?

At class tonight I had to remind myself that people come because it is fun. But for me, it's not. At least not right now. It's driving, it's beautiful, it's intense, it's glorious, but fun? That feels too frivolous for what I am feeling.

And that is why, at least in this moment, I hate tango. And I love it.

7 comments:

Johanna said...

Oh Mtnhighmama, this is the way of Tango. I was going to write this as a comment, but decided it would make a better post.
http://tangowritemight.blogspot.com/2008/07/way-of-tango.html

Psyche said...

Yeah, we all ride the tangocoaster. In the down bits I find it comforting to remember we al go through the same stuff. Hope you start to rise again soon.

Mtnhighmama said...

Thanks for the suupport and the reminders.

It's funny to me because when I started dancing over a year ago, I would read Planchadora's posts about this same feeling and think, "that girl needs to take a chillpill". And now I go there for the comfort of kinship.

Ha!

It's nice to know there are others that know this feeling and that it abates.

Tassili said...

Oh, mtnhighmama, how could I not relate?
It feels almost embarrassing to be that bewiteched by that passion. And I agree: it is to dense to be called just mere "fun".
At the end of any tango night, I either leave in a blissful trance or in a miserable state, if I feel I wasn't good, or if I wasn't able to fully connect, or more simply if I was a wallpaper flower that night...
(please forgive my oh-so-imperfect English - I do my best, but I am French...)

Elizabeth said...

This just means that you are on an authentic journey. It is the normal phase. Just the beginning.

koolricky said...

Hi mtnhighmamma:
I think we all relate to your story. But think it like this, is like everything! The next stage will be to value the very little you learn from now onwards. You'll see that is even more rewarding!

Alex said...

I like koolricky's comment "to value the very little you will learn from now onwards..."

It's sort of like the saying "Less is more...", but it's more, er, less, more or less, than that.

Joking aside, it's difficult to understand, but it's a very Zen/Taoist sort of thing. What you learn tends towards nothingness, but in that nothingness, lies the infinite vastness of the universe of tango, and it is everything.

Kudos to koolricky for illuminating that concept for us all...