Update

It's been a over a year since my last blog, and a fairly momentous year too!

Tomorrow I turn 35, and I find each year is better than the last. No one tells you that growing oldER is a joy, but truly it is!

The man I fell in love with (to be known as WonderfulMan herein) is still an amazingly beautiful man, and I can say this past year has been one of the biggest for personal growth. We moved in together last May, and we have been together for a year as of December 8th. We have been working hard at loving one another, managing a large (!) blended family, and still holding on to our personal autonomy.

On Previous Topics (this is an update post, after all):

Queer Girl dates Man: I no longer feel conspicuous or out of place walking down the street holding hands with a man. However, my social community has definitely changed. My queer friends continue on with their lives, and we don't see eachother as often. While I understand that is part of what happens when you couple, it feels a profound loss to me and I often feel alone and a little lost. My partner is amazing, but he isn't, and has never been, queer. It's hard to share a world with him that he doesn't relate to and has little impact on his life.

Tango: I've reached new places this year, and I am so thankful. Tango isn't angsty anymore! What a relief. SERIOUSLY. I fall deeper in love with the music and find myself in deeper introspection. And it is lovely to share tango with my partner. I heard so many warnings about dating/loving in the tango scene, but it enriches my relationship with tango, and also with WonderfulMan.

Parenting: My role as a parent has expanded. WonderfulMan and I now parent 10 kids:

• My two biological boys (ages almost 15 and 10),

• my live-in foster son/adult (19),

• my former fosterson (22--and he'd probably bristle at the idea that I'm parenting him still, but I am even if he doesn't know it),

• and WonderfulMan's children: ages 5, 8, 9, 12(the only girl!!!), 13. WonderfulMan also has an 18 year old son that doesn't live with us that I get to love.

WonderfulMan's kids are with us almost half-time. It has been a lot of (rewarding) work on everyone's parts to learn to become a family, and we are still working on it. But, I think, overall, it's been a really lovely thing.

Surrogacy: The twins turned two right about the same time WonderfulMan and I, and our families, moved in together. They, and their brother, are amazingly beautiful, and the older I get the more warm glowy my heart gets. I continue to value the relationship with their parents in a way I can't really begin to explain, except to say that there are many things that I am proud of in my life and that bring me joy, and carrying those kids for that family is way up there at the top.

I am looking for a new family to carry for, and it's been interesting beginning this process again. I have been looking informally for about 6 months, and have talked with many people, but haven't found the right ones just yet.

I hope to keep up a bit more with the blog, but life is full. I also imagine it will take on more of the (dreaded) MommyBlog thing, as I work through parenting littles again. I appreciate you hanging out with me, and understand if you bail.

Again with the tango...

It's come again, this pulling sucking need to be in the embrace of tango. I don't obsess about it in my head, or think about it every single second or relate my entire existence to tango anymore, but it just pulls at my very soul. It's what I imagine loneliness must feel like, all tucked up inside myself for no one but me to notice. But it pulls me to a place of emotion and its all on my surface and all I want is to just lose it in the music, the embrace, the movement and give in. Just give in. Because tango will love me for it.

Brigitta Winkler

Brigitta Winkler was here this last weekend, and I can't say enough good things about her!

She was gracious, warm, friendly, and a fantastic teacher. In addition, her total lack of snobbishness was refreshing and charming. In addition to learning lots from her, I really felt her dedication to sharing the essence of connection. If you get a chance, she is well worth spending a weekend with!

An Open Letter to Movement Invites Movement

Dear Movement Invites Movement Tango Bloggers:

I am alternately frustrated and interested in what you have to say. I don't particularly *like* your blog as I often feel that your posts convey a snarky sense of better than, and that puts me off--maybe because I'm new to the tango community, maybe because I care about what my community thinks of me and your lack of caring offends that? I don't really know. But I want to comment on your lack of allowing comments.

I'd like to dialogue with you. I'd like to discuss your opinions and understand why you have them. Your assertion that the comment section is for bashing isn't something I have really seen happening on most of the blogs I've read. In fact, most of the tango blogs I read spur honest and illuminating conversation. And are full of support and interest and nice networking opportunities. I have had far more instances of being touched and moved by someone's post or comment than I have been angered, hurt or frustrated.

So, because you choose not to hear what others have to say about your posts, perhaps you are just robbing yourself of the opportunity to really be part of this internet tango blogging community, such that it is. If you have no desire to really connect, then stop whining about people being turned off by your not allowing comments. But if you do want to connect and share ideas and thoughts, for goodness sakes, put your big girl/boy panties on and jump in. I'd welcome you.

Sincerely,
Fledgling Tanguera


(please note, my comments are OPEN)

Tango: It's the bacon of the dance world.

Other Than Tango, Tango Music

This isn't one of those judgmental calls on what is or is not tango. I could care less what people dance, and how they do it, as long as they are respectful of other dancers on the floor, and their partner.

But I've spent the last several days mulling this over in my head, and I really would like your input.

How is it that you can find the heart of the dance of Tango in music that isn't Tango music?

For me, the very essence of the dance is in the nuance of the music, and I have a hard time feeling it the same in non-tango music, and even in non-traditional tango music. So, it makes it hard for me to understand what ignites the passion of the dance of Tango in you, if it isn't the music? What moves you? And, if it is about the music, but you don't listen to traditional, then how do you find the tango spirit in it?

Tired of Tango? Want Out?

The surefire fastest way to become disenchanted with your tango community? Get involved in running an event. That'll do it for you.

*sigh*

Tango last week...

Last Saturday I danced a couple tandas. I was really nervous to dance, nervous in that excited little kid way when the kid gets a new bike but it's almost too perfect to touch.

It was...different.

I was very deliberate with my choice of leaders and probably a little overboard on the lecture about keeping it basic, easy on twisty things, lead me slowly and expect some delays from me. (I like to think languid, not slow to react...)

The first song was full of giggles as we negotiated my belly and worked to find the right embrace. Even this pregnant I just don't want to dance Open. I just can't feel it, and it doesn't move me. So we started with what was our normal embrace, but that was awkward, and then tried a slightly looser less closey embrace, but that just made it hard for us to hear one another. Finally we settled on a V embrace that felt pretty good.

After our first dance, and moving into the second, I heard him release a held breath, and heard his sweet little whisper of, 'ahhhh, now I'm figuring you out'. In that moment I felt very cared for and heard, and really appreciated knowing that he was taking the time to reacquaint himself with how I was able to move. It made every tense thing in me relax, because I knew he wasn't going to lead me in something that would hurt me. I hadn't even realized how rigid I was holding myself, how protective I was being.

There were other dances, and they were sweet. I enjoyed the dancing, and was glad to just be in the tango again.

Notes to self:

• Even this pregnant, flats were a little awkward. Will try heels next time, though definitely lower practica heels. My balance is better in heels.

• Overturned Ochos are NOT ok in the third trimester. Ouch.

• I need to suggest the embrace. (I often wait and allow it to happen organically, but I need to be a little bit more guiding.)

• Allow myself a slower reaction time. Allow myself to be ok with enjoying placing each step exactly. This is a time to slow down each and every movement and enjoy that beauty. The lead will follow my pace.

• Expect the music to take me away. I haven't been so affected since when I first started to dance. The emotion in it is larger than life right now.

I still felt graceful. What a gift.

Stone Soup 2009

StoneSoup is in my home town this year!

April 30-May 3, 2009
Tango Center, Eugene, Oregon

I'd love to see you here, and if you need a place to crash, I have a wonderful couch and plenty of floor space. I'd love to have you.

Here's the website: StoneSoup Tango-You-Topia

Errant Blogger Update

So, today I got really really good news.

First, I'm 28 weeks pregnant! That's a milestone in multiple pregnancies.

And, the babies are both great. They're about two weeks ahead of where singletons usually are right now, so they are growing really really well. Baby Boy is nearly three pounds and his sister is just a little bit behind him. Baby Boy (who is presenting) is also vertex, which means that as long as he stays that way, and it's likely he will, I can have them vaginally! Baby Girl is breech, but that doesn't matter so much in twin births.

And, because everything looks so good the perinatologist told me I can increase my activity level to 3-4 times what I'm currently doing. And I can go into work for 2 hours a day instead of 1! This all sounds perfect to me. I'm not back to my normal activity level, but who wants to be when hitting the third trimester with twins anyway!

And, he told me I can take 4 15 minute walks a day. hmmm.....15 minutes is more than most tandas. And tango really is just walking. I'm sure I can find some nice tangueros that would like to take a stroll with me....

So, good news all around.

I miss the (tango) touch

The other night I had a friend embrace me in a way that I haven't had since I stopped dancing. It wasn't a tango embrace, it was just a sweet touch and a hug, but it reminded me of the intimacy I am missing out on.

I am not, overall, a touchy person but I get my fair share of hugs and cuddles. But it's different in a way I don't completely know how to explain. There is an intimacy that comes with knowing how people move together, how they connect beyond the words, that I think is unique to lovers, to mothers and their young children, to tango dancers.

And I miss it. I miss the touch and the touching. I miss the intuitive loving we do when we wrap someone in an embrace, or allow ourselves to be wrapped in an embrace.

*sigh*

i miss dancing

What do you do for a job?

I am curious what fellow tango dancers, instructors and event organizers do to actually make money. I don't need the actual title or specifics, but I'd love to know the general category. Specifically, do you run a business? Are you employed in something art based? Where do you fit in the professional world?

Seductive Dance School Ads (repost)

Huh, my classes certainly don't progress in this fashion!

(Sorry, couldn't figure out how to copy the images into my blog. You'll just have to click.)

New (tango) bloguera

Sometime over the Christmas season, google fed a me a little jewel in my reader. I have it set to scan for tango related web items (and you would NOT believe how many non-tango things are tagged with tango!) and it sent me to Adriana Palanca's blog post Why I should take tango lessons. I left a little message and didn't check back for awhile.

Lo and behold, that Holiday party sent her to classes and she's blogging about it!

If you get a chance, stop by and say hello, send her some encouragement. Tell her a story about what it was like when you started.

(Here, here, here and here are her next few tango posts, one for each class, but the rest of her blog is really worth reading as well!)

Tango in my Dreams, if not reality

Last night I had the most lovely dream that I was in a wedding/function thing and had a partner that I was 'assigned' to. We didn't know each other, or speak the same language, and didn't have a chance to communicate anyway as we were busy with our duties.

At the conclusion of the event, when tables were cleared and chairs put away and we were saying our goodbyes I went to shake his hand and hug him goodbye. He had been a lovely companion and I'd enjoyed our limited talkless time together. But he held our hug, and then a tango started, and he moved us into an embrace and the embrace was so *right*. It was that fit that makes it all come together, the sense of mingling spirits. My left arm went softly around his shoulders and sank just a bit like butter and never needed to move. My right arm, I didn't even sense it. And when he moved us, it was, well there was no body. Just us and the music and the movement to it. And we danced a couple songs, and when the last song ended he kissed me on the cheek and went his way and I returned to where my friends were sitting just a few feet away.

And I could feel that slightly shocked, removed feeling over me, like a heavy blanket or a cloak. And my friends said, That was Nice. And all I could do was grin foolishly because I knew that was the best dance I'd ever had in my life.

If I can't have it on the dance floor, I'll take it in my dreams. I feel a bit glowy this morning.

In the Hospital

Well thanks to a small complication, I've spent the last couple of days in the hospital. I'm ok, and the babies are great, and I'm glad we all caught it before it got too far along.

It seems that my cervix is shortening, and so we put in a cerclage. A cerclage is a band of suture that goes through or around (mine is around) the cervix to prevent if from opening prematurely. It is a necessary intervention in our case. We'll remove it around 34-36 weeks, and let labor happen on its own. And hope that we don't go into labor before that.

This means limited activity for me, and at least a week of full bed rest. At home, at least. It means a whole lot of sitting and laying around. This will be a new experience for me, because, I don't know if you can tell--but, I'm kind of a busy person.

It will also mean board games in bed with my kids, extra snuggles, reading books together, quiet time, and bonding with my cat. It's not how I wanted it to work out, but an excuse to lay around and hang out with my kids sounds ok too. I haven't had time to have that kind of one-on-one with them, that kind of dedicated, nothing else we need to do, kind of time in a loooong time. That part of it will be nice.

This also means no more tango for this pregnancy.

Missed Connection

Call me a romantic, but this San Francisco gentleman met a tanguera, was swept up in her mystery and made the mistake of not getting her number. Maybe some of you fancy yourselves matchmakers....if you know who his cinderella was, can you pass on the word that he'd love to meet up with her again?

5 to tango

Last night a friend strapped on her 6 month old and led me in a couple of songs. 5 of us, in one tango.

Pregnant Tango

The nice thing about being obviously pregnant and dancing is that it doesn't matter how off I am that night, it is pretty much guaranteed that someone will come and gush about how beautiful I am. It goes to a girl's head, I tell you.

I'm struggling just a little with the body changes. I wasn't really dancing when I was pregnant last (actually, I started tango lessons when I was 7 months pregnant with my last surroson), and I certainly didn't have the same kind of watchfulness about what I looked like while dancing, how my clothes accented features, what I looked like in sexy shoes, etc. This time, I know it. And I love my pregnant body, but sometimes I feel self-conscious about it. Kinda like the fishbowl effect, you know? I'm the pregnant chick on the dancefloor. Sometimes it gets to me.

And then, evenings like tonight happen where I am told again and again how lovely I am, how beautiful I look dancing, and it's nice to have that kind of love showered on me and on the babies. It's nice to share the joy of growing these babies with people. And for a few moments I forget that I feel a little awkward in my body.

Thanks to all you lovely people that say such lovely things.

Falling in love

Tonight I fell in love with tango all over again. It's that moment when you look at someone that is so familiar to you and for just a second you see a total stranger, closely followed by this stabbing hollowing upsurge of love that leaves you breathless. That was tango for me tonight.

The snow set it for me. I love snow. I was a mountain high Colorado girl, with a view of the Continental Divide from my bedroom. I love the powder, the cold, the ritual, the being at the mercy and the dance of the weather. And so this storm is like a special secret Christmas gift just for me. And as I walked to the practica/milonga the flakes were fat and full and like little bits of laughter landing on my cheeks.

And the milonga hall was warm and cheery, Canaro through the speakers, lovely dancers. And my first dances were with someone I adore and they were mmmmm goood, and each that followed was a different taste.

It was like the best meal I had ever eaten, and right now that's saying a lot!