Sunday, January 25, 2009

Betrayal

I am still grappling with a betrayal. It happened months ago, and each time I think I'm shed of it, something brings it fresh to the surface.

When it first happened I was mad, and then a bit sad, and then --true to form for me-- I picked up, made what peace I could and moved on. But apparently I'm not really at peace with it, because today brought it fresh again and I am mad. And it's all ego, because I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at me for being so naive to have loved so innocently and completely and trustingly, and to think it was the same thing returned. I should have known. Just that. I should have known.

Where's the grief? This was a major friendship in my life, and it ended abruptly and I want to know where is the grief over it? If I can still feel angry about it, then there must be something still to heal for myself, and so when do I get that? How long do I be angry and feel betrayed before I can move onto the grief stage? Our friendship deserves that kind of ceremony.

3 comments:

Lisa said...

A - I am sorry that you are going through such a wretched thing. I just went through something similar with a woman that was my rock during my first pregnancy loss. I finally - it took months - am in a place where I can see her, say hi and move on without delving into any other emotion. I really had to talk to my husband and my other friends quite a bit because I was baffled over the situation and could not understand how a friend could do and say the things she did.

It sucks. Thinking of you.

Johanna said...

I just recently went through the same thing - ending a friendship of over 15 years. I totally understand the "I should have known" aspect, but you are right: it is just ego.

It does take time to get over the sting, but it's more important to forgive ourselves first. Bring the focus back to yourself, and let go of something over which you have no control.

Sending healing beams of love

(((((((A)))))))

Alyce said...

I think we've all been through this at one time or another. I'm sorry you're going through it now. It was the not understanding that kept me angry for so long. Not being able to see the other person's perspective makes it hard to forgive or forget or move on or just untangle the yarn in your brain. I read alot of Pema Chodron. She's good for this sort of thing.