Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Short-Lived

and so I'll say it was short-lived, and what pleasure to have those few moments together. And it will be Truth, but really, only half-Truth.

Because, really, what can I say? What words can I let fall from my mouth that describe how I feel? It would be an unstoppable torrent, and probably unintelligible.

Because, really, it doesn't make sense. We had little time together. Certainly not enough to warrant this depth and complexity of feeling.

Because, really, he was honest and kind and moral (gag, choke, vomit--what girl wants moral?).

Because, really, how can it leave this hole right there? How can there be a dent that is filling with sadness, despair, and loss? I didn't have any Right to him. I didn't have any Right to lose myself in those feelings.

Except that Right that comes from knowing there is more there than just liking the way he smells, or the way his voice softens, or the surprising vulnerability he shows. There are lifetimes of interaction that played out in a few simple body exchanges.

And I said that if we walked away I would be grateful for the reminder that I can love again, grateful for the chance to examine some long held beliefs, that I would understand and be gracious. That I would celebrate him caring for himself, and I would look forward with joy to the next opportunity we had. And those things are true. They are. I mean all of them, and will eventually feel just exactly those things.

But right now, I just want to cry at the loss. At the chances missed. At the stories we won't share. I didn't expect to open my heart. I didn't expect to desire someone so completely. I didn't expect.

and I am stunned. And I know there is a wall of people out there, and they are going to ask. and what can I say to them?

just that it was short-lived, and what pleasure those few moments we had were.

4 comments:

Alyce said...

oooohhhh....those tender bruises that ache inside....
thinking of you... :(

Mtnhighmama said...

Thank you. It helps.

Aly The Red-Bliss Monkey Studio said...

{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}

xoxo
A

Mtnhighmama said...

Thanks, Alysse. You know, new underwear and pirate adornments always help love affairs gone awry.