DRugs

So, today is my last day on birth control pills. I started Lupron last Sunday.

With surrogacy, they control every aspect of my reproductive cycle. They put me on birth control pills to know just where I am and to control when I shed my lining. They put me on Lupron to suppress my ovaries so I don't ovulate. Then they ask me to bleed one more time. Once I do, they start me on Estrogen to build my endometrial lining. They can hold me in stasis with Estrogen for a while, for weeks or longer, until the Intended Mother has nice ripe eggs developing in roomy follicles. Right before they harvest her eggs, they start me on Progesterone, to simulate the hormonal process that happens in early pregnancy. So we suggest to my body that I am ready and then we put in embryos and HOPE.

We will transfer happily dividing embryos, probably 2, into my prepared uterus on September 23rd. On October 4th, we will draw blood for a quantitative HCG count. Hopefully the numbers will tell us we are pregnant.

I don't mind the hormones so much. They make me feel a little off stability, but they remind me that I have to be gentle with myself and others. They shine a light on the romanticism I often push aside because of business. They push me to really think about my gut reactions.

I love these people that I am hoping to carry for, and each time I talk with them, each time I hear her tell me with pride something about her son that I grew, I am overcome with joy and gratitude. I am part of their happiness, their world.

I really want it to work this time. I really want to hear the joy when the nurses call me with the number. I really want to hear their full body retention as we wait for the second beta, and then the u/s because they've, we've, already had so many disappointments. Please, please, please let it work this time.