Play Me Some Music, Mr. DJ

Seriously? Seriously! This part sucks. Really it does. I am nauseous from the time I open my eyes to when I finally fall asleep. I spend my time totally disgusted by food and equally ravenous...with no warning.

I'm finding myself dropping deeper and deeper into the music. If it's good, I can float away on it. Forget that my stomach is in upheaval, forget that my stamina has gone down the drain. If it isn't? Well, then I'm dancing with queasiness. Blech.

So, what makes the dj good? Tonight's music was, individually, music I like. But the combinations, or the placements, didn't work for me. I wish I knew what it is that I do or don't like, so I don't have to sit and attempt to puzzle it out. I don't understand why, what the lack of magic is, etc. And I'd like to be able to put a finger on it and say, ah...because maybe then I could get beyond my gut feeling of dislike. Maybe then I could hear what the dj had in mind and enjoy it the way he or she wanted me to.

Sadly, at the end of the night, shoes dismissed, floor mostly empty, second song into the last tanda...Oigo tu voz. sigh. it was just a miss all night.

Tonight's fortune:

mmmm.....fortune cookies. so good.

Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance.
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Ultrasound Today

Today, at 6 weeks 3 days, we had our first ultrasound. Guess. Guess what we saw?

Did you guess?

Two.

Two Gestational Sacs.

Two Yolk Sacs.

Two developing embryos.

Two sweet twittery fluttery little heartbeats.

Twins. There are two. We have two little babies growing inside of me. Which means a total of three heartbeats inside my body.

Pregnancy Icks

I have been struck by the pregnancy icks. Food is gross. Driving in cars is gross. Even my beloved coffee has finally become gross. Saltines are good. And so is gatorade. Gatorade! Never in a million years did I think I would be drinking Gatorade. But it has a nice salinity that makes my throat feel nice.

I have never had morning sickness. I bow to all you women that had it for long stretches and then had more children. You are amazing and marvelous and I hold you in awe. Because this sucks.

And, interestingly enough, the only thing that keeps it all at bay, that makes me forget the whirlpool in my stomach: Tango. I feel not yuck when I'm immersed in the dance.

However, this feeling made Tangofest really hard for me. The traveling was hard, the being somewhere when I'm feeling icky was hard, and at about 2 am I was done for. Could Not Dance Another Step. Like Cinderella at midnight. I didn't have the most lovely of festivals. But my consolation is that Valentango will coincide with my second trimester, so I should be full of vibrant energy!

Some Requests

Gentleman, I know you've heard this before, but I think it is fair to repeat it.

PLEASE, please, please....pick a lane and stay in it. Don't pass the people in front of us, don't hold up traffic behind us, just enjoy being part of this bigger moving tango mass.

When we enter a VERY crowded floor, I have to trust you completely. I can't do that if we are weaving in and out of people, and I can't feel that when you haul me to the center of the floor. I like the outer two lanes, preferably the outermost lane, which moves at a sedate respectful pace. I feel safe there. I know where the edge of the floor is, I know who is in front and behind and I can relax.

And, on another note, PLEASE do not try new and special tricks with someone you've not danced with. Namely me. I do not like (and will not do) volcadas that have me crossing my right over my left if I do not know you and haven't danced with you often. (Can you believe someone I had never danced with or previously met tried this with me not once, but THREE times on the dance floor at the Grand Milonga at TangoFest? I thought he had gotten the hint when I stopped dead the second time, but I guess the third and final time when I said, "I really don't think that's appropriate for this floor and I won't do it no matter how many times you lead it" finally got his attention.) If you manage to pull it off well enough that I don't know it has happened, well, then you are elevated to a different status and I will do whatever you lead because you are nearing deity status in my opinion. But that isn't most leaders!

Thank you for your kind attention,

Fledgling Tanguera

Joy

I feel like I haven't blogged much. No angst, dancing is good, we're pregnant, I love my job, blah blah. Life is Good.

Last night was the second milonga in a new series of Friday night milongas. The hosts do a wonderful job of transforming our normal venue into something cozy, welcoming, intimate and special with charming treats. The music was very good (all Golden age, and well put together), they played Oigo tu voz (which makes me swoon every time I hear it, which isn't often enough at the milongas) and other than needing to do some frequent volume adjusting, I was delighted with the music.

The dancers were sweet, friendly, not cliquey and it was relatively gender balanced.

And the real joy? The community, the drinks afterward (not me, of course), the socializing. It was a lovely way to start my weekend.

You can't tell through cyberspace, but all I can do is glow. I'm glowy.

My Toes

I have this charming pair of silver shoes, lower heels, strappy, cute little sequins. Love them. I haven't worn them in awhile, but wore them a lot when I started dancing. Last night, I started kicking my left big toe again. I think it may be the shoes! These are not tango shoes. Truth be told, they are bridesmaid's shoes. So, I'm wondering if the placement of the heel has something to do with it?

anyone else had this experience?

Oigo Tu Voz, Lucio DeMare with Raul Beron

Oigo Tu Voz, (1943) Lucio DeMare with vocalistRaul Beron

OIGO TU VOZ I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Miedo de morir, Fear of death
ansia de vivir, longing to live
sueño o realidad?... dream or reality?
Algo quiere ser something wants to be
un amanecer a daybreak
en mi soledad... in my solitude
Canto que olvidé, Song that I forgot
sitios que dejé, places that I left
dicha que perdí... happiness I lost
Hoy en la emoción Today in the emotion
de mi corazón of my heart
todo vuelve a mí! everything comes back to me

Oigo tu voz I hear your voice
la que mi oído no olvida! which my ear does not forget
Me trae tu voz your voice brings me
hasta mi pena escondida even my hidden pain
la luz y la vida the life and light
de un rayo de sol... of a sun ray
Vuelvo a escuchar I hear again
el nombre mío en tu acento, my name in your accent
sin descifrar without deciphering
si es la palabra que siento if I feel the word
mentira del viento, lies of the wind
delirio, no más... delirium, that's all

Tiemblo por saber I tremble for knowing
si en mi puerta estás, if you are at my door
si es tu propia voz; if it is your voice
y no quiero abrir and I do not want to open
para no llorar so I won't cry
muerta mi ilusión... my illusion
Déjame pensar Let me think
que a salvar vendrás that you will come to save
el deshecho amor... the undone love
Déjame creer Let me believe
que eres siempre, al fin, that you are always, on end,
tú mejor que yo! you better than I!

Beta Update

Our beta today is 351, which has a doubling rate of every 36.something hours. Which is great. Relieving. We want it to double every 48 hours or so, so 36.something is very reassuring. We have an ultrasound scheduled for October 22nd, to see how many are in there and to (hopefully) see a little heart beating away.

The mom thinks we have twins, but I'm skeptical. The numbers are no help. They are right in line with twinsies or a singleton, so we just wait.

Can I just tell you though? Food? Not so good. Not so good at all. blech.

Hey, did you see the cute little ticker I added to the bottom of my page? It says we are 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant!

We Have Positive Numbers! We're Pregnant!

143! That is a very respectable number. It's right in the range for a singleton. Which we like. It could be twins, but likely it's just one.

WooHOooooo! We're pregnant. And it's a happy healthy number.

We'll do another beta on Tuesday, to make sure the numbers are doubling. If the numbers double, it indicates a growing embryo. If they don't double, we'll do repeat betas until the numbers either start to fall or come back in line. If it more than doubles, that's great news. If it more than a lot doubles it might indicate multiples.

We will do an u/s on October 22 (they wanted to schedule it for the 20th, but I'll still be at TangoFest in Portland) to see if there is a heartbeat and how many there are.

sigh. I feel like I can breathe!

the due date: June 14th. Hah! We have a due date!!!!

Ney & Jennifer in my dreams

Last night/this morning I had a dream that I was at my normal weekly practica dancing quite well with a leader that I typically enjoy dancing with and he stopped rather unexpectedly and as my eyes flew open in surprise, Ney and Jennifer were standing there. Ney was behind Jennifer so I couldn't really see him, but Jennifer was looking at me and saying, No, no....you need to move your hips like this. She demonstrated by putting her hands on my hips and gently placing my body where it should be. Then they sandwiched my lead and I, Ney's hands on my leader's shoulders and Jennifer's on my hips; and danced with us, demonstrating what they wanted to see. At the end of the song, we exchanged kisses and the music for the next song began and they faded away while I remained in the arms of my leader and we danced.

Tango Jones

I just spent 15 minutes flipping through my address book trying to decide who I could call at 8:30 on a post-late night-milonga Sunday morning to dance with me RIGHT NOW.

I couldn't think of anyone that would appreciate that. I guess I could work on some embellishments, or molinetes.

I hate waiting.

The Wait

So, now we wait to hear the numbers. I will be happy as long as it's a positive number, but I really expect it to be at least 85.

Last cycle, we got positives on the HPT's but they were never dark, so I didn't expect a big number. When she called to tell me the number, it was actually negative. I felt like I had been hit with a bat, like the ground dropped from beneath me, and I felt complete dread and sadness about calling the Intended Parents to tell them.

This time, I am confident there will be a positive number.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

It will be positive, right? It Will. Right?

9dp3dt Update

The Lines are STILL getting Darker.

WooHoooooo!!!!

Thrills

This video, from Irene and Man Yung's Tango Blog made me laugh so hard! And what's even better is that she found a way to link it back to tango.

So great!

8dp3dt pm update

Ok, so the afternoon test was darker, the line came up immediately, and it made me feel MUCH MUCH better.

Here it is, for all my surrogate friends out there.

The one above it is from yesterday morning. It is maybe a smidgeon lighter than the one from the previous day (7dp3dt).

Today I am 9dp3dt, but I won't test until this afternoon, because, unlike most normal human beings, that first pee of the day does not contain the most hcg for me.

Fear

So, here's what I realized today. (though, it's not like this hasn't been noodling around in my, well, noodle)...

I'm completely terrified of being in a loving, giving, supportive reciprocal relationship. Every time I start to think about the possibility, I immediately shut it down. Each time a friend talks about it, I turn all bah humbug on them. I do it humorously, and lightly, but that door is closed tightly in my soul. In fact, it's been painted over, nailed shut and boarded as if to protect it from a storm.

I'm closed. My heart is closed. At least to anything longer than 12 minutes on the dance floor. Or to something I can control (read: parenting).

How ridiculous is this? I talk, and think, frequently about NOT making decisions based on fear. But one of the most essential aspects of life I am allowing to be completely controlled by fear. That moment of tango bliss the other day, it blew that door wide open. (which I then quickly scurried to close! and board up again.) I don't mean I want a romantic relationship with that person, or that I've fallen in love with him (though there will always be a special place held for him....it's the same feeling of tenderness I have for the women whose births I attend).

sigh. How do I remove all those barriers? Interesting, I never said it was locked. Just boarded up and closed tightly. I wonder what significance that has?

I want to allow myself to love someone, to take the risk of loving and giving completely. I want to allow myself to not control everything, but to trust more.

Neuroses

So, this is why I hate testing. Hate myself for giving in.

This morning's test? not a smidgeon darker. *sigh*

And the ugly fear monster rears it's ugly head.

I don't want this to be another chemical. And one morning test doesn't mean it is. But I'll sit here and obsess about it anyway.

*sigh*

OMG, There are 2 lines!

Ok, there are definitely 2 lines. On three different tests. 2 LINES!!!

WallFlower Wednesday

Thank you, LLP.

7dp3dt

i *think* maybe I might have seen a second line.