Thursday, October 2, 2008

Fear

So, here's what I realized today. (though, it's not like this hasn't been noodling around in my, well, noodle)...

I'm completely terrified of being in a loving, giving, supportive reciprocal relationship. Every time I start to think about the possibility, I immediately shut it down. Each time a friend talks about it, I turn all bah humbug on them. I do it humorously, and lightly, but that door is closed tightly in my soul. In fact, it's been painted over, nailed shut and boarded as if to protect it from a storm.

I'm closed. My heart is closed. At least to anything longer than 12 minutes on the dance floor. Or to something I can control (read: parenting).

How ridiculous is this? I talk, and think, frequently about NOT making decisions based on fear. But one of the most essential aspects of life I am allowing to be completely controlled by fear. That moment of tango bliss the other day, it blew that door wide open. (which I then quickly scurried to close! and board up again.) I don't mean I want a romantic relationship with that person, or that I've fallen in love with him (though there will always be a special place held for him....it's the same feeling of tenderness I have for the women whose births I attend).

sigh. How do I remove all those barriers? Interesting, I never said it was locked. Just boarded up and closed tightly. I wonder what significance that has?

I want to allow myself to love someone, to take the risk of loving and giving completely. I want to allow myself to not control everything, but to trust more.

11 comments:

Psyche said...

If you figure out how to fix this one, let me know!

Mtnhighmama said...

I was hoping one of you would know!

Tango Padawan said...

It's a funny thing you bring this up since I was thinking about this today... about my heart that is ;-) Somehow, I feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea of opening myself to someone. It's as if I undermine my own chances. I've had more than one great and sincere loving relationships but it seems as if faith in eternal love gets a hit every time one goes through something more serious... hmm...

me said...

locked -> possible from outside or inside.

boarded up -> possible from the outside.

Alyce said...

Man, I know EXACTLY what you mean. It's like every time I imagined being in a balanced, healthy relationship, I remembered every time I THOUGHT I was in one... but found that what I thought was reality was horribly disfigured. I meditate. I can feel a little paint chip away here... a nail loosen there... sometimes I pull back a board just a bit only to have it snap back down on my fingers... and sometimes I look at the mess and wonder how ANYONE could penetrate that many layers. It's made it possible to have a pretty decent relationship that feels mostly balanced. We have setbacks and get lost, but we've learned to come back and talk about what happened, and our communication gets better all the time. :)
I read a lot of Pema Chodron and Noah Levine (over and over). They help me remember how to be grounded.

Schrack Attack said...

I am the kind of person who opens up easily. Have I been hurt because of that? YES, many times. Heart break sucks, there is no way around that. This is just my opinion but there is something so liberating to opening up...being emotionally naked...venerable that I find invigorating, empowering.
I hope you are able to crack the door just a little bit at a time...maybe before you know it you'll be outside knocking on other doors.

Schrack Attack said...

ugh.. i meant vulnerable, not venerable

Mtnhighmama said...

@Padawan: I wish I knew how to wipe away the wisdom from previous experiences and just keep the wisdom gleaned.

@me: could you elaborate on that, please?

@alyce: Since I realized that door was closed, I've been doing some visualizations around it. I actually like the idea of opening that door, tearing out the carpet in there, putting in wood floors for dance, etc. Just gotta get through the door, but knowing what waits for me in there makes it enticing...

Mtnhighmama said...

@schrack....
OH! I like the idea of knocking on other peoples' doors. I'm not feeling brave enough for that just yet, but I can imagine when i will be.

me said...

well,

i imagine, for a house that is boarded up, someone (not you) is preventing people from coming in to see you.

on the other hand, you or someone else could have locked the door. maybe you don't want people to get close; maybe people don't want to be near you.

Johanna said...

Change starts with questions, Mama. So you're on your way :-)

I find that most fear starts with the realization that we will have to not only give something up of ourselves, we must also find a way to compromise on many little things. And the fear is that we will lose ourselves in that effort.

I will tell you, as someone in a very long-term relationship, that all of concerns bear merit. We DO have to "suspend" very essential parts of ourselves if our partner's corresponding parts are at odds. We both do. And that, I feel, is the trick. The other person must be equally willing to undergo transformation on our behalf as well.

That being said, every effort we make to reach out has the risk of being both heartbreaking and infinitely rewarding. You will never know until you try. And what is the worst that can happen? Some tears? Dance them away.

But in your particular case, I wonder if it has something to do with your sexual ambivalences, and the notion of labeling yourself as one thing or another.