Update

It's been a over a year since my last blog, and a fairly momentous year too!

Tomorrow I turn 35, and I find each year is better than the last. No one tells you that growing oldER is a joy, but truly it is!

The man I fell in love with (to be known as WonderfulMan herein) is still an amazingly beautiful man, and I can say this past year has been one of the biggest for personal growth. We moved in together last May, and we have been together for a year as of December 8th. We have been working hard at loving one another, managing a large (!) blended family, and still holding on to our personal autonomy.

On Previous Topics (this is an update post, after all):

Queer Girl dates Man: I no longer feel conspicuous or out of place walking down the street holding hands with a man. However, my social community has definitely changed. My queer friends continue on with their lives, and we don't see eachother as often. While I understand that is part of what happens when you couple, it feels a profound loss to me and I often feel alone and a little lost. My partner is amazing, but he isn't, and has never been, queer. It's hard to share a world with him that he doesn't relate to and has little impact on his life.

Tango: I've reached new places this year, and I am so thankful. Tango isn't angsty anymore! What a relief. SERIOUSLY. I fall deeper in love with the music and find myself in deeper introspection. And it is lovely to share tango with my partner. I heard so many warnings about dating/loving in the tango scene, but it enriches my relationship with tango, and also with WonderfulMan.

Parenting: My role as a parent has expanded. WonderfulMan and I now parent 10 kids:

• My two biological boys (ages almost 15 and 10),

• my live-in foster son/adult (19),

• my former fosterson (22--and he'd probably bristle at the idea that I'm parenting him still, but I am even if he doesn't know it),

• and WonderfulMan's children: ages 5, 8, 9, 12(the only girl!!!), 13. WonderfulMan also has an 18 year old son that doesn't live with us that I get to love.

WonderfulMan's kids are with us almost half-time. It has been a lot of (rewarding) work on everyone's parts to learn to become a family, and we are still working on it. But, I think, overall, it's been a really lovely thing.

Surrogacy: The twins turned two right about the same time WonderfulMan and I, and our families, moved in together. They, and their brother, are amazingly beautiful, and the older I get the more warm glowy my heart gets. I continue to value the relationship with their parents in a way I can't really begin to explain, except to say that there are many things that I am proud of in my life and that bring me joy, and carrying those kids for that family is way up there at the top.

I am looking for a new family to carry for, and it's been interesting beginning this process again. I have been looking informally for about 6 months, and have talked with many people, but haven't found the right ones just yet.

I hope to keep up a bit more with the blog, but life is full. I also imagine it will take on more of the (dreaded) MommyBlog thing, as I work through parenting littles again. I appreciate you hanging out with me, and understand if you bail.

Gender and loving a man

It's weird to have fallen for a man.

I know that it doesn't matter, not really. I've always fallen for the person, not the gender, but for a long time now I've really only been interested in having long-term relationships with women. My few love affairs with men were temporary, and I knew it, so was comfortable indulging that. Like visiting a foreign country.

And I've always loved Women, because they are women. Not because of some trauma in my life, or abuse or any of the other crap that people use to explain away why someone is gay. I've known since about 4th grade, and maybe even younger, that I liked women. My first crushes were Daisy Duke and Laura Ingalls. When I walk down the street, it's women that turn my head. I barely even glance at men.

But here he is, and I've never been so in love or felt such completion. And it is hard to reconcile this in my head. It's a whole reordering of my social universe.

I feel conspicuous with him in public. It feels weird to have people look at us, or to see us slip in a quick cuddle. Like I am doing something wrong. He tells me they are probably just enjoying our being in love.

He's turning my whole world upside down.

The crazy mix

I know what craziness I bring to the mix. I'm keenly aware of it. I have for years heard CC's* mother in my head telling me I'm just too much, that I wear people out.

I always figured it would be after my kids were grown. Because who would understand? Who would be part of the loving mess I created?

Sure, my friends and family support my fostering, my surrogacies, my net full of those that need love. But they don't really understand. When I talk about those aspects of my life, they show respect or admiration, or shake their head at my craziness, or say something supportive and loving and kind. Which is wonderful, but it's not...it's not what I want. I want someone that understands that I do these things because they need to be done, because it is just part of life, because it's just what we do.

And I really thought I'd have to wait. That it would be when they all were grown.

But he gets it.

----------------------------------------------------
* Beaches, the movie

Hey, hey guys....

...I'm in love.

Again with the tango...

It's come again, this pulling sucking need to be in the embrace of tango. I don't obsess about it in my head, or think about it every single second or relate my entire existence to tango anymore, but it just pulls at my very soul. It's what I imagine loneliness must feel like, all tucked up inside myself for no one but me to notice. But it pulls me to a place of emotion and its all on my surface and all I want is to just lose it in the music, the embrace, the movement and give in. Just give in. Because tango will love me for it.

Brigitta Winkler

Brigitta Winkler was here this last weekend, and I can't say enough good things about her!

She was gracious, warm, friendly, and a fantastic teacher. In addition, her total lack of snobbishness was refreshing and charming. In addition to learning lots from her, I really felt her dedication to sharing the essence of connection. If you get a chance, she is well worth spending a weekend with!

Back from New York

What a wonderful week in the city with the Parents and their children. The weather was divine, with crisp in the air, leaves falling everywhere, and the beginnings of scarf temperatures!

I danced. Some very fantastic dances and the worst dance I've ever had as well.

And I spent lots of time with the Parents and their kids. What a joy it was to see them as a family. I wondered if the children would know me, at least a little. The 2 1/2 yr old knew who I was, because his parents talk about me and have pictures of me around. But he didn't know me beyond that. And the twins, they didn't seem to have any special memory of me either. And I wondered, before I got there, how I'd feel if they didn't.

And I felt relieved! It was amazing to see their family. To get to part of their day-to-day as a friend, but to not be pregnant, to not be the one making their dreams true, to just be a treasured friend. It was so perfectly right that the babies didn't know me, and that Tor was shy with me.

Surrogacy has new adventures for me all the time. I wasn't sure completely what I would feel seeing Tor and the babies again. Would I feel a tug of connection? Would I feel some sadness? Would I feel judgmental about how they parent? I really had no idea. But what I felt was satisfaction and completion. I realized, it doesn't really matter to me whether people know how the children got here, and it doesn't even really matter to me if the children know how they got here. Of course, I can say that knowing that the Parents love me, that they honor our experience together, and that the children DO know how much love they were made with. If I weren't so appreciated and treated with such respect, maybe I would feel different?

Again, I am awed by what an amazing experience surrogacy with this family has been.

WOW!

If ever there were something to kick my butt back into posting, it's the hundred + hits I've received this morning courtesy of Mamapedia Voices! Thank you so much for featuring my post.

I am off to New York this weekend to visit the twins, their brother and their fabulous parents! I could not be more thrilled!

I'll post something with a bit more depth later, but I wanted to say that special thanks to Mamapedia, both for featuring me and for getting me on the blog train again.