9dp3dt Update

The Lines are STILL getting Darker.

WooHoooooo!!!!

Thrills

This video, from Irene and Man Yung's Tango Blog made me laugh so hard! And what's even better is that she found a way to link it back to tango.

So great!

8dp3dt pm update

Ok, so the afternoon test was darker, the line came up immediately, and it made me feel MUCH MUCH better.

Here it is, for all my surrogate friends out there.

The one above it is from yesterday morning. It is maybe a smidgeon lighter than the one from the previous day (7dp3dt).

Today I am 9dp3dt, but I won't test until this afternoon, because, unlike most normal human beings, that first pee of the day does not contain the most hcg for me.

Fear

So, here's what I realized today. (though, it's not like this hasn't been noodling around in my, well, noodle)...

I'm completely terrified of being in a loving, giving, supportive reciprocal relationship. Every time I start to think about the possibility, I immediately shut it down. Each time a friend talks about it, I turn all bah humbug on them. I do it humorously, and lightly, but that door is closed tightly in my soul. In fact, it's been painted over, nailed shut and boarded as if to protect it from a storm.

I'm closed. My heart is closed. At least to anything longer than 12 minutes on the dance floor. Or to something I can control (read: parenting).

How ridiculous is this? I talk, and think, frequently about NOT making decisions based on fear. But one of the most essential aspects of life I am allowing to be completely controlled by fear. That moment of tango bliss the other day, it blew that door wide open. (which I then quickly scurried to close! and board up again.) I don't mean I want a romantic relationship with that person, or that I've fallen in love with him (though there will always be a special place held for him....it's the same feeling of tenderness I have for the women whose births I attend).

sigh. How do I remove all those barriers? Interesting, I never said it was locked. Just boarded up and closed tightly. I wonder what significance that has?

I want to allow myself to love someone, to take the risk of loving and giving completely. I want to allow myself to not control everything, but to trust more.

Neuroses

So, this is why I hate testing. Hate myself for giving in.

This morning's test? not a smidgeon darker. *sigh*

And the ugly fear monster rears it's ugly head.

I don't want this to be another chemical. And one morning test doesn't mean it is. But I'll sit here and obsess about it anyway.

*sigh*

OMG, There are 2 lines!

Ok, there are definitely 2 lines. On three different tests. 2 LINES!!!

WallFlower Wednesday

Thank you, LLP.

7dp3dt

i *think* maybe I might have seen a second line.