Babies Are Here!

More to come later, but...

The Babies Are Here!

They were born last night and are doing well. Both are healthy and vigorous and cute and didn't need any NICU time.

I'm sore and tired and relieved to no longer be pregnant.

And, I am beyond honored and thrilled to be part of creating this family! What a joy to see the parents loving their babies!

Thanks for everyone's interest, and those of you checking in! I promise a more detailed birth story in a couple days.

34+ preggo update

We're 34 weeks and some change, coming up quickly on 35 weeks and I'm round and full of babies! The end is just a couple short weeks away, and I've started to feel that melancholy bittersweet sense of wanting to grasp every single last little moment of enjoying having the babies in me, and also just want to be able to mow my damn lawn!

I asked pretty please for the cerclage to come out early so I didn't have to worry about removing it once I was in labor, so the surgery to remove it is scheduled for Wednesday, which (by their reckoning) will put us at exactly 35 weeks. The mama of the babies will be here the following Monday, and I think it would be nice to have them sometime that week, but I wouldn't mind if they wanted to hang out a while longer too. Although 37-38 weeks would be better, anything after 36 is fine too. They'll be healthy and happy, just not as plump as I would like.

I am really enjoying this last part of the pregnancy, and being round and full moon big. Today the sun was out and it was a treasure to feel it warming my taut skin, and to feel the babies squirming as they too were warmed. I can't really think of much I like better. In the end, I just do love being pregnant.

I am excited to see their mama again! Although we talk a lot, I haven't seen the mama and papa since the birth of Tor, nearly 2 years ago! It seems like so long, but when you are just going through your daily living motions it goes so fast, and suddenly it's been two years. The mama isn't bringing my surroson with her for the birth of the twins, and I completely understand! I can't imagine trying to figure out how to juggle all of the arrangements and having no idea when the babies will come, etc. I will go out to visit them sometime this summer and it will be so nice to see the whole family together! But for now, I am just looking forward to getting some one-on-one time with the mama. I have grown to really love her.

The rest of my life has been busy and full; with tango stuff (but no dancing), parenting, work, etc...all the things that keep life moving and lovely. For the most part, it's wonderful and satisfying.

Hopefully, my next blog post will be an announcement of babies!

Lots of spring love to all of you in the blogosphere!

Your Bed, the Most Important Place in the World

This commercial is an advertisement for a company that produces beds called Flex. They're slogan is "Tu camar, el lugar más importante del mundo,” or “Your bed, the most important place in the world.”



Here is a rough translation, from NazelGazingMidwife. My spanish is not very good, so if you find something really off, let me know!

The best option is to birth my baby in my home, Eduardo, our first baby, was also born in the same bed.

A miracle, isn’t it? To give birth to another, to help another leave the body?

And a woman needs to give birth where she wants to, in the place where she feels good.

(man says something I don’t understand)

Mom says, ‘I can’t do it.’

Midwife says, ‘Slow, slow… very slow, very slow.’

Mom says something about the sights and smells of the birth, the warmth that giving birth at home is very special. (notice her bliss!)

Your bed. The most important place in the world.”

Tango last week...

Last Saturday I danced a couple tandas. I was really nervous to dance, nervous in that excited little kid way when the kid gets a new bike but it's almost too perfect to touch.

It was...different.

I was very deliberate with my choice of leaders and probably a little overboard on the lecture about keeping it basic, easy on twisty things, lead me slowly and expect some delays from me. (I like to think languid, not slow to react...)

The first song was full of giggles as we negotiated my belly and worked to find the right embrace. Even this pregnant I just don't want to dance Open. I just can't feel it, and it doesn't move me. So we started with what was our normal embrace, but that was awkward, and then tried a slightly looser less closey embrace, but that just made it hard for us to hear one another. Finally we settled on a V embrace that felt pretty good.

After our first dance, and moving into the second, I heard him release a held breath, and heard his sweet little whisper of, 'ahhhh, now I'm figuring you out'. In that moment I felt very cared for and heard, and really appreciated knowing that he was taking the time to reacquaint himself with how I was able to move. It made every tense thing in me relax, because I knew he wasn't going to lead me in something that would hurt me. I hadn't even realized how rigid I was holding myself, how protective I was being.

There were other dances, and they were sweet. I enjoyed the dancing, and was glad to just be in the tango again.

Notes to self:

• Even this pregnant, flats were a little awkward. Will try heels next time, though definitely lower practica heels. My balance is better in heels.

• Overturned Ochos are NOT ok in the third trimester. Ouch.

• I need to suggest the embrace. (I often wait and allow it to happen organically, but I need to be a little bit more guiding.)

• Allow myself a slower reaction time. Allow myself to be ok with enjoying placing each step exactly. This is a time to slow down each and every movement and enjoy that beauty. The lead will follow my pace.

• Expect the music to take me away. I haven't been so affected since when I first started to dance. The emotion in it is larger than life right now.

I still felt graceful. What a gift.

5 to tango

Last night a friend strapped on her 6 month old and led me in a couple of songs. 5 of us, in one tango.

Baby Update

We are right about 17 weeks! Not quite halfway there, though, since twins usually come early we're closer to halfway than not.

Both babies are doing very well. Baby A (this is the baby that will be born first) is a littl boy, and Baby B (who is happily stretched across the top of my uterus) is a little girl. Yesterday we did another ultrasound (I have them every three weeks--I think that's a bit excessive, but I'm sure that's the homebirth midwife in me talking) and Baby B had her foot constantly pressed up against Baby A's head. I wonder if he'll throw that in her face later in life?

They are both growing a bit ahead of schedule, which is good. Better to have babies that are bigger than expected than to have babies that are smaller than they should be.

I'm really just beginning to feel movement. All day today I felt Baby A poking me where my pants pushed in on him. And Baby B is fainter but I'm beginning to feel her more. She's the one that gets in the way in close embrace. I actually had to pull out of close embrace on Saturday and move to open because she was in an awkward position that made it uncomfortable for me.

Typically the belly growth measurements correspond to what week you are in your pregnancy. So, at twenty weeks the fundus (or top) of the uterus is usually level with the belly button. I'm measuring at about 22 - 23 weeks, with the babies just a bit below my ribcage. I have a cute round belly.

No more illness or nausea, but I seem to have lost my appetite. I'm working on trying to get all the calories in that I need, but it's hard. Weight gain is a little below what it should be.

I feel really good and remember that this is the time that I most love in pregnancy. The second trimester. Lots of energy, sweet belly, lots of kicks. This is fun!

The parents are busy picking out names and settling in to the reality that they really are going to have twins. I love hearing the joy in the mama's voice and the fear in the papa's. It's really sweet.

So, that's the baby update. We're doing well.

Pregnant Tango

The nice thing about being obviously pregnant and dancing is that it doesn't matter how off I am that night, it is pretty much guaranteed that someone will come and gush about how beautiful I am. It goes to a girl's head, I tell you.

I'm struggling just a little with the body changes. I wasn't really dancing when I was pregnant last (actually, I started tango lessons when I was 7 months pregnant with my last surroson), and I certainly didn't have the same kind of watchfulness about what I looked like while dancing, how my clothes accented features, what I looked like in sexy shoes, etc. This time, I know it. And I love my pregnant body, but sometimes I feel self-conscious about it. Kinda like the fishbowl effect, you know? I'm the pregnant chick on the dancefloor. Sometimes it gets to me.

And then, evenings like tonight happen where I am told again and again how lovely I am, how beautiful I look dancing, and it's nice to have that kind of love showered on me and on the babies. It's nice to share the joy of growing these babies with people. And for a few moments I forget that I feel a little awkward in my body.

Thanks to all you lovely people that say such lovely things.

One, Two, Buckle my shoe...

Last night I realized, at some point I won't be able to buckle my tango shoes. I know it seems premature to think about this now, but this 14 week belly looks more like a 18-20 week belly and I still have a lot to go.

So, what then? Beg my friends? Hope there is some gentlemanly fellow that will assist me? Try to contort myself by leaning sideways and reaching around the belly?

Buckling my shoes is part of the ritual I like. I like the feel of slipping my feet in, of feeling the band across my toes, and the tilt of the heel; but that moment of restraint when I cinch the buckle down and I feel the strap firm and tight and restrictive across the front of my ankle... it's a sensual moment that I am a little loathe to hand over to someone else.

Those 6 weeks took a toll. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating it is to only be able to dance two or three tandas in a night. I just don't have the stamina for more. Where did it go?

And my balance! Ugh. I feel like a very beginner again, only this time I know enough to know how bad it feels. It's so discouraging. I haven't actually had to use my partner for balance since I started, and now... if the leader does anything that isn't perfectly centered it throws me off.

I had a lovely night on Friday where I had people signing my dance card before I could even get my shoes on but I just couldn't dance more than a few tandas and I was so disappointed. Last night was the same.

Those of you that have taken extended breaks, was it hard to come back? Did you notice a difference? I'm hoping my lack of stamina is just because I was so sick and it will return, but other pregnant people seem to think it's their job to burst that happy bubble.

I danced

Yesterday I woke up feeling like....me. It was wonderful. And at about 6pm, I knew I'd be going to the practica. And I did.

I went in knowing that I really only intended to dance two or so tandas, and that there were only two leaders I felt comfortable enough to dance with, and they were both there, and it was really really nice.

But I was still worried. 6 weeks with no dancing. From 5 nights a week to nothing, for 6 weeks. Not even the desire. I was worried how I would feel, how my dance would be, concerned that somewhere I had lost that ephemeral "it".

The dance was fine. All that anxiety, and I felt ok. I didn't feel ungainly, stupid, uncoordinated or like I had forgotten everything. In fact, I smiled. A lot.

And when the second leader inquired about my absence and I explained that I was pregnant with twins and hadn't been well, the sweetest twinkle and the nicest glow swept over him, and he hugged me and said he was so looking forward to dancing with me as I got bigger. And it was so genuine and gleeful that I couldn't help but feel beautiful and wanted and appreciated. That, truly, was the most wonderful thing that could have happened to my dance last night.

12 weeks 1 day

We graduated to the OB today. I am no longer under the care of the Reproductive Endocrinologist. I am no longer on ANY medications, and I no longer have debilitating nausea.

We've also hit the 12 week mark, which means that our risk of miscarriage drops significantly, and both babies look great and are growing appropriately.

The parents told their families on Thanksgiving, and it was such a joy to hear them share. With our last pregnancy, they were hesitant to believe until much later. This time around it seems that they are calmer and more relaxed and not so wounded. It's beautiful. And they love the idea of what is about to happen to their household. What a joy to be able to giggle at the thought of the mayhem that is going to descend on them!

So, yes, I said OB. That's right. No midwives for me, and no home birth. The last birth wasn't either. It was a hospital birth. My first. It was big leap for me to birth in a hospital and I went through all kinds of professional guilt about betraying my fellow midwives by birthing in the hospital. But in the end, it was a nice experience and I expect this one to be just as nice.

The OB is someone I knew before I became a surrogate. He would take my transfers, and I even attended a few births with him. So, we had a nice respect for each other and knew each other pretty well. With the last birth, I would come to prenatals, tell him the pertinent information and then we'd talk birth politics and community news for 20 minutes, then I'd leave. During our labor and birth he took my lead and pretty much let me run the show. As it should be, of course, but unusual in an OB. This time, with twins, he earned my respect all over again. We were discussing the delivery and what would be required. I don't want an epidural, hep lock, etc. I want a vaginal unmedicated birth like my others, assuming everything is ok with the babies. And his response was, "well...it's your body and we can work with that. I prefer this, but we can do it how you want it too". Love him.

I have a little bump and I'd like to say it's cute, but I'm actually just at the awkward stage where I look like I have a giant gut and I want a pin that says, Actually I'm Pregnant.

So, that's the baby update.

Easing back in

I think I could probably handle a tanda or two in a night, but I feel very out of (dance) practice, kinda shy, and very fragile. So, I'm a little hesitant to dance at my normal events. I'd really like to ease my way back in, dance with friends only (ones that would understand if I couldn't make it through a whole tanda), and go slow. But I'm hesitant to go to the normal events because there are lots of people I don't want to dance with and I can't figure out how to gracefully navigate the who I do want to dance with and who I don't want to dance with thing. Not because of those people, really, but because I feel so off my game and so physically unwell that I don't think I could handle a tanda with someone that I wasn't also completely socially comfortable with.

Any thoughts on this?

Long time no post

It's been a while since I've posted. I have been just too sick, too nauseous. In all reality, if I had felt this way before with my first child, he would have been an only. I spent a couple weeks being able to do nothing but sit on the couch and sleep, and moan. A lot. From misery. I was depressed and my kids were threatening mutiny.

I asked for some drugs. Which isn't a me thing to do, but it had gotten so bad I couldn't even answer the phone. So they set me up with Zofran, and I am starting to remember what it feels like to be a person.

I haven't danced in over 2 weeks. I don't want to be touched, I can't close my eyes, and the thought of a bad tanda makes me cringe. I can't even listen to tango right now because the music is so complex it makes my head spin, which makes my stomach spin. Which makes me cry.

So, we're all ok. The babies are growing, I am starting to almost feel like something besides a wet rag, and I'm trying to just lay low.

I'll let you all know when something changes.

Play Me Some Music, Mr. DJ

Seriously? Seriously! This part sucks. Really it does. I am nauseous from the time I open my eyes to when I finally fall asleep. I spend my time totally disgusted by food and equally ravenous...with no warning.

I'm finding myself dropping deeper and deeper into the music. If it's good, I can float away on it. Forget that my stomach is in upheaval, forget that my stamina has gone down the drain. If it isn't? Well, then I'm dancing with queasiness. Blech.

So, what makes the dj good? Tonight's music was, individually, music I like. But the combinations, or the placements, didn't work for me. I wish I knew what it is that I do or don't like, so I don't have to sit and attempt to puzzle it out. I don't understand why, what the lack of magic is, etc. And I'd like to be able to put a finger on it and say, ah...because maybe then I could get beyond my gut feeling of dislike. Maybe then I could hear what the dj had in mind and enjoy it the way he or she wanted me to.

Sadly, at the end of the night, shoes dismissed, floor mostly empty, second song into the last tanda...Oigo tu voz. sigh. it was just a miss all night.

Beta Update

Our beta today is 351, which has a doubling rate of every 36.something hours. Which is great. Relieving. We want it to double every 48 hours or so, so 36.something is very reassuring. We have an ultrasound scheduled for October 22nd, to see how many are in there and to (hopefully) see a little heart beating away.

The mom thinks we have twins, but I'm skeptical. The numbers are no help. They are right in line with twinsies or a singleton, so we just wait.

Can I just tell you though? Food? Not so good. Not so good at all. blech.

Hey, did you see the cute little ticker I added to the bottom of my page? It says we are 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant!