Where in the World is Fledgling Tanguera?

Hello Friends...

I know I have been remiss in blogging and I apologize.

Shortly after having the babies, I enjoyed a very short respite of normality, enjoying my children and life. And then disaster struck.

I am a board member on my children's school board. We are a very sweet 230ish kid K-8 public charter Montessori school. Well, our school burned down. Since then, we have been feverishly working to locate a new home, deal with insurance, order supplies, mobilize parent groups, etc.... the list is never ending. It has been a heartbreaking, and equally moving, time. I am touched by the commitment, dedication and love that the parents and staff express, and the kindness and support of our community as we attempt to pull ourselves up and rebuild.



So, no, I am not done blogging. I will return to sharing and purging when things slow down and our future is more secure.

In the meantime...I am doing some dancing. :)

What else does she have to do?

So, one might suppose that because I'm on bedrest I would have nothing better to do than sit around and blog. But One would be wrong! There is so much more to do. Here is a list of my daily activities that prevent me from blogging (not necessarily in order):

1. obsession with Surrogate Mothers Online forums
2. Facebook
3. Staring at the dirty door frames, cupboards, etc in my house
4. disrupting my cat's need to slumber right where I am laying
5. obsessing about how I'm not tangoing
6. feeling guilty for having a faulty cervix


In all seriousness, I will be on bedrest until the babies come. If you look alllllll the way down at the bottom of my blog, there's a ticker that will tell you exactly how long that is supposed to be.

I'm bored. I'm slightly depressed. I'm NOT lonely (thanks to wonderful friends, and my lovely children) and I miss being able to just do regular everyday things without thinking if I am jeopardizing anyone.

My children soon got over the novelty of having my undivided attention (maybe they could sense my desperateness?) and have gone back to their surprisingly uneffected routines. They are wonderful and have really been sweet about picking up where I have stepped away, and I am continually amazed and honored to have these kids in my life.

And, underneath all this bedridden angst is the really sweet reminders when Baby Boy kicks and moves, and Baby Girl does her little floaty thing that makes me feel like she's a dolphin in there, that I am bringing them into the world and being part of building this family is still one of the most special things I've ever been part of.

In the Hospital

Well thanks to a small complication, I've spent the last couple of days in the hospital. I'm ok, and the babies are great, and I'm glad we all caught it before it got too far along.

It seems that my cervix is shortening, and so we put in a cerclage. A cerclage is a band of suture that goes through or around (mine is around) the cervix to prevent if from opening prematurely. It is a necessary intervention in our case. We'll remove it around 34-36 weeks, and let labor happen on its own. And hope that we don't go into labor before that.

This means limited activity for me, and at least a week of full bed rest. At home, at least. It means a whole lot of sitting and laying around. This will be a new experience for me, because, I don't know if you can tell--but, I'm kind of a busy person.

It will also mean board games in bed with my kids, extra snuggles, reading books together, quiet time, and bonding with my cat. It's not how I wanted it to work out, but an excuse to lay around and hang out with my kids sounds ok too. I haven't had time to have that kind of one-on-one with them, that kind of dedicated, nothing else we need to do, kind of time in a loooong time. That part of it will be nice.

This also means no more tango for this pregnancy.

Easing back in

I think I could probably handle a tanda or two in a night, but I feel very out of (dance) practice, kinda shy, and very fragile. So, I'm a little hesitant to dance at my normal events. I'd really like to ease my way back in, dance with friends only (ones that would understand if I couldn't make it through a whole tanda), and go slow. But I'm hesitant to go to the normal events because there are lots of people I don't want to dance with and I can't figure out how to gracefully navigate the who I do want to dance with and who I don't want to dance with thing. Not because of those people, really, but because I feel so off my game and so physically unwell that I don't think I could handle a tanda with someone that I wasn't also completely socially comfortable with.

Any thoughts on this?

DHS RANT

Please feel free to bypass this rant.
It's part of the reason I am C R A N K Y.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. For everyone except my foster son, because at this juncture we don't know WHERE he will be going to school.

For those of you that don't know the system, by the time they become teens, most kids have been in and out of foster homes, have some kind of history of bad stuff (abuse, violence, drugs, stealing, etc.), and don't go to regular public schools, blah blah. Maybe this isn't true about all foster teens, but I only take the hard to place teens, which means there will be some significant back history that makes schooling challenging.

When I took this teen in (mid-way through July), I said that I wanted schooling addressed as soon as possible, to be able to work on creating a success story before he even walked in the door. Knowing where he would be, visiting, meeting teachers before, helping them understand how to manage his behaviours, giving him an early idea of what to expect. Mental preparation. But in August we got switched to a new case worker, we can't sort out who his prescriber for meds is (so he's out), his special care nurse has not called to make an appointment, AND WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHERE HE WILL GO TO SCHOOL! Because of his situation, we can't just walk in and enroll him in a school. His records need to be gone through, multiple meetings need to happen to determine the best placement, etc.

So, what this means is that we are starting out in the red. Negative Balance, here. No meds, no mental preparation, and lots of stress and anxiety.

His case worker is wonderful. Really. And doing the best he can, but he has over 200 kids on his case load, and he's supposed to be caring for ALL of them. It's no wonder nothing gets accomplished.

Sigh.

It's my job to help this kid be successful, but I can only go so far, and the State is not supporting me. Not because they are bad, or because it's personal. It's not. But this system, our foster care system, is BAD. It's diseased. It's amazing it works at all.

Last night = MUD

Somewhere about 6pm last night I became C R A N K Y. There's no good reason. The children were wonderful, I knew what we were having for dinner (I hate planning dinner.), I was working on a sewing project that was deceptively simple (still waiting for the 'i'm difficult' shoe to drop--it always does, but usually not until I've pieced it all together only to realize, "OH!, so that's what that meant!"), and my favorite tango class of the week was in less than an hour.

*hormones, ugh*

So, I went to class hoping it would lift my mood. It didn't. I couldn't walk on the beat and was just a half a second behind nearly every time...even with D'Arienzo. How can I miss the beat with D'Arienzo? I stumbled through class and contemplated skipping the practica, but many of the leaders I enjoy dancing with were there, and it's the only alternative dance I attend all week and I like that little bit of extra spice. So I stayed. And the leaders were wonderful, as they most often are. And I Was Not.

But here's the interesting thing. I saved one of the leaders I most like dancing with until my mood picked up a bit. And at the end, we stepped onto the floor, and half a song in I had to stop. I just couldn't fake it with him. I couldn't pretend I heard something I didn't, couldn't pretend I felt something I didn't, couldn't be in his arms and not give him the very best of me. I couldn't give him MUD. So, I ended the tanda halfway into the first song with lots of apologies. He was gracious, as always. A true gentleman.

This brought home something that has been percolating in my head lately. It is NOT better to dance even if I don't feel it or like it. I used to feel so desperate for the dance that I would take anything I was handed, and now.... not so much. Now, I am beginning to feel like I'd rather not dance than dance something untrue, unkind or half-hearted. I think this is a good sign.

Make me feel better

There are lots more out there, but I'm supposed to be working and those three were the ones that immediately jumped to mind. Well, and of course Johanna's entire blog. (shhhh...don't tell her I am like, totally in love. I don't think she's figured it out yet.)

Today is crappy yucky doodoo again. I think today I will blame it on hormones, and just keep seeking the things that give me a little glimmer, a little reminder of light. *sigh* (We better damn well get a baby this time, because this hormone crap gets old. )( But S, if you are reading this, it's totally worth it. Really, these are the hormones talking. And they go away. Don't feel bad.)

More than Tango, It's About You

Go read this post again. It's guaranteed to make a crappy day better. At least, that's what I'm hoping.


And if you haven't read it yet (anyone out there read my blog that isn't a tangophile? You should read this post to. It's beautiful and soulful and one of the reasons we all dance.), GO READ IT.