Tango last week...

Last Saturday I danced a couple tandas. I was really nervous to dance, nervous in that excited little kid way when the kid gets a new bike but it's almost too perfect to touch.

It was...different.

I was very deliberate with my choice of leaders and probably a little overboard on the lecture about keeping it basic, easy on twisty things, lead me slowly and expect some delays from me. (I like to think languid, not slow to react...)

The first song was full of giggles as we negotiated my belly and worked to find the right embrace. Even this pregnant I just don't want to dance Open. I just can't feel it, and it doesn't move me. So we started with what was our normal embrace, but that was awkward, and then tried a slightly looser less closey embrace, but that just made it hard for us to hear one another. Finally we settled on a V embrace that felt pretty good.

After our first dance, and moving into the second, I heard him release a held breath, and heard his sweet little whisper of, 'ahhhh, now I'm figuring you out'. In that moment I felt very cared for and heard, and really appreciated knowing that he was taking the time to reacquaint himself with how I was able to move. It made every tense thing in me relax, because I knew he wasn't going to lead me in something that would hurt me. I hadn't even realized how rigid I was holding myself, how protective I was being.

There were other dances, and they were sweet. I enjoyed the dancing, and was glad to just be in the tango again.

Notes to self:

• Even this pregnant, flats were a little awkward. Will try heels next time, though definitely lower practica heels. My balance is better in heels.

• Overturned Ochos are NOT ok in the third trimester. Ouch.

• I need to suggest the embrace. (I often wait and allow it to happen organically, but I need to be a little bit more guiding.)

• Allow myself a slower reaction time. Allow myself to be ok with enjoying placing each step exactly. This is a time to slow down each and every movement and enjoy that beauty. The lead will follow my pace.

• Expect the music to take me away. I haven't been so affected since when I first started to dance. The emotion in it is larger than life right now.

I still felt graceful. What a gift.

Boleos

Alex is talking about them, and so is Limerick, and MsHedgehog too. I guess I'll jump in too.

Someone please explain how I would do one, and when, that is unlead? Not that I necessarily want to, but I feel like the only eejit in the field that hasn't figured this out. I see it happen on the floor, but I just don't seem to be able to compute how they know to do one.

Even when they're lead, I still don't feel like I manage them gracefully or attractively or even in the expected timeframe. It's on my list of things to work on during a private, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. I guess I think of it as an embellishment and so it sinks a bit on my priority list. But the more comfortable I get the more I would like to at least *feel* like I did it right when they ask me too.

sigh.

Some Requests

Gentleman, I know you've heard this before, but I think it is fair to repeat it.

PLEASE, please, please....pick a lane and stay in it. Don't pass the people in front of us, don't hold up traffic behind us, just enjoy being part of this bigger moving tango mass.

When we enter a VERY crowded floor, I have to trust you completely. I can't do that if we are weaving in and out of people, and I can't feel that when you haul me to the center of the floor. I like the outer two lanes, preferably the outermost lane, which moves at a sedate respectful pace. I feel safe there. I know where the edge of the floor is, I know who is in front and behind and I can relax.

And, on another note, PLEASE do not try new and special tricks with someone you've not danced with. Namely me. I do not like (and will not do) volcadas that have me crossing my right over my left if I do not know you and haven't danced with you often. (Can you believe someone I had never danced with or previously met tried this with me not once, but THREE times on the dance floor at the Grand Milonga at TangoFest? I thought he had gotten the hint when I stopped dead the second time, but I guess the third and final time when I said, "I really don't think that's appropriate for this floor and I won't do it no matter how many times you lead it" finally got his attention.) If you manage to pull it off well enough that I don't know it has happened, well, then you are elevated to a different status and I will do whatever you lead because you are nearing deity status in my opinion. But that isn't most leaders!

Thank you for your kind attention,

Fledgling Tanguera

Does he make us all feel this way?

And with that bliss, I was done. I couldn't even think of another dance with someone else. Anything else would have been empty, shallow, surface. So I sat and watched, completely contented.

I love this love affair on the dance floor. I love the shy newness of learning each other, and the places where we go deeper, a bond that grows with each step. And I think, do all the women he dances with feel this way? Do all the women he dances with walk away feeling beautiful, sexy, special? I suspect they do. And this pleases me. How wonderful that he makes each and every one of us fall in love with him, and feel as if he's fallen in love with us!

And I want to give this back. I want every man that embraces me to walk away from our dance feeling special.

Passion for Tango

Excerpted from a letter with a friend, about losing our mojo in tango.

It does underlie everything in the dance, doesn't it? It's hard though, in those moments of lapse, to remember that anything else exists.

What is it about tango that strips us?

I think it's the music. It's so absolute, and in the absence of our own mojo, the music intensifies the lack. It pulls from my gut that sense of want and then tugs me along like a pull toy. Sometimes I hate feeling played with that way. And sometimes I can think of nothing else. It's the lover that knows all the buttons to push; to melt me and to denigrate me and to bring me high and to show I'm nothing, and then to make me beg for more because I've rarely felt something so beautifully intense.

I don't feel the same with alternative music. From that, I can just walk away if the night isn't flowing. But never from traditional. It follows me, sits with me, demands my attention. Sometimes I have to find that bravado, that mojo, that sense of fullness in myself...just to make it go away for a couple minutes so I can breathe.

But then, in that second of breath, I fall in love all over again.

Comparisons

It is so interesting to me how I can dance with someone and have a very meh kind of dance, only to have a friend return from a tanda with the same person raving about him.

When that happens, and it happens frequently, all I can do is softly giggle to myself.

Connecting in the Embrace

Ahhhhh, I think I'm getting it now.

When Filo was here last week, he said something along the lines of, when you connect through the embrace you can stop thinking about the feet, because they will just follow the embrace.

When I danced with a friend, he told me, You have to love them all, embrace them all like they are the only one.

The other day a teacher told me, when you cross in close embrace you still keep that connection. Don't open up, don't lose the contact.

I finally got it.

On Saturday, I had some lovely very connected dances in close embrace. We maintained contact and the feet (for the most part) just went where they were supposed to. And then I had a dance with a leader I'd never danced with before. There was a height issue, and he kept pulling away, breaking our contact. It was like night and day for me! I couldn't believe how much harder he was to follow (and how much worse my dancing!).

I hadn't realized that losing that connection, for even a second, is like dancing off the beat.

Last night = MUD

Somewhere about 6pm last night I became C R A N K Y. There's no good reason. The children were wonderful, I knew what we were having for dinner (I hate planning dinner.), I was working on a sewing project that was deceptively simple (still waiting for the 'i'm difficult' shoe to drop--it always does, but usually not until I've pieced it all together only to realize, "OH!, so that's what that meant!"), and my favorite tango class of the week was in less than an hour.

*hormones, ugh*

So, I went to class hoping it would lift my mood. It didn't. I couldn't walk on the beat and was just a half a second behind nearly every time...even with D'Arienzo. How can I miss the beat with D'Arienzo? I stumbled through class and contemplated skipping the practica, but many of the leaders I enjoy dancing with were there, and it's the only alternative dance I attend all week and I like that little bit of extra spice. So I stayed. And the leaders were wonderful, as they most often are. And I Was Not.

But here's the interesting thing. I saved one of the leaders I most like dancing with until my mood picked up a bit. And at the end, we stepped onto the floor, and half a song in I had to stop. I just couldn't fake it with him. I couldn't pretend I heard something I didn't, couldn't pretend I felt something I didn't, couldn't be in his arms and not give him the very best of me. I couldn't give him MUD. So, I ended the tanda halfway into the first song with lots of apologies. He was gracious, as always. A true gentleman.

This brought home something that has been percolating in my head lately. It is NOT better to dance even if I don't feel it or like it. I used to feel so desperate for the dance that I would take anything I was handed, and now.... not so much. Now, I am beginning to feel like I'd rather not dance than dance something untrue, unkind or half-hearted. I think this is a good sign.

Or Maybe...

Or maybe I'll stop feeling like I have to be so damn competent. Maybe I'll discover that I don't want to HAVE to be the one that does everything, that can do everything.

Maybe I'll figure out that it's ok to be taken care of, that it's ok to just be the feminine me, that there is someone that can do some of the things I have to take care of.

Maybe I don't need to be so damn independent.

Maybe I need to allow someone else to become someone I depend on.

Maybe I just need to allow someone to be part of my life.

Damn, growing up is hard.

Tango makes me reconsider being a lesbian.

(This one's pretty personal for me.)

Tango makes me reconsider being a lesbian.

It's only for those few minutes and it's because of the way I feel in the embrace. I want to feel that way ALWAYS.

I've been single for a few years. And I am really happy being single. I am not lonely and I have wonderful friends, an active social life, a very full parenting life. Nothing is missing and I'm not ready to be partnered. Mostly because I am in a very selfish phase of life. I don't want to share my "me" time, and I absolutely don't want to share my parenting.

But when I am in an embrace that is heaven, it makes me miss that sense of relinquishment. I haven't found it with women yet. Not one of my female lovers has made me want to completely relinquish to her. It's a more hetero concept, I think; that sense of playful and sweet power exchanges.

Is any of this making sense?

I want to feel safe enough, honored enough, respected enough, known enough, to just let my partner take me over. To sense me and my needs, my wants, my fears, my boundaries. To not ignore my voice in it, but to know it so securely and intuitively and minutely that there is no reason for me to hold on to the fears that keep me in control. I want to dissolve for that person. And not in a weak, have no presence or personality kind of way.

And tango reminds me that this is possible. Reminds me that the desire I feel is normal. Reminds me that it's worth holding out for.

You're Sweaty...

You're sweaty, and it's Ok. It's summer. We sweat. When you bring me really close and transport me to Magic Tango Land I don't care. In fact, when we come out of our tango daze and I realize we are both damp, it's almost a badge of honor, like sore muscles or a bruise.

I love that tango is so base chakra when we are in the dance that being sweaty together just feels *right*.


Disclaimer: This only works if you smell nice or don't smell at all. If you get me all sweaty and then I smell like ManFunk, it's not so nice. Remember the deodorant, and the bath.

More on the Cross

Ok, so I can't get it out of my head.

Here's why NOT to cross if it isn't lead:

1. It's scary for me to give my balance, stability and ability to move over to you. At the moment of the cross, I'm completely trusting you to protect me. If I cross and you didn't want me to, and you don't realize I've crossed, I'm in trouble.

2. Everything I do you tell me to do. Why wouldn't you tell me to cross? This is not an embellishment that I see an opening for, it is an integral move in the dance. If my job is to stop thinking and listen, it completely pulls me out of this to have to count, oh, right, that was two steps, now cross.


So, for those leads that are taught that I should automatically cross, what do you need from me in the moment after I've missed that cross? Do you need me to quickly attempt to correct and do a weight change, or do you want me to stay still and let you lead me out of the missed cross?

The Cross

I'm currently taking a class called The Playground of the Cross.

Tonight the sticking point moment was when the teacher explained that the moment when the woman crosses and there is a weight shift is "an exquisite pleasure" for the leader. That resonates for me. That slight pause is a moment of huge vulnerability. My balance is at it's weakest point. I'm solely balanced on the ball of my foot and my feet are entwined and if he makes a forward motion, I have to scramble to meet the movement so I don't fall.

My entire thinking on the cross was changed tonight. Instead of dreading it, I was able to view it as a beautiful and sensual moment full of heightened delight...taking my time to slide my left foot over and snuggling it in to the right, feeling the weight shift to the left foot, and the pause, right there....what will he ask of me? and then the movement.

That weight shift is exquisite for the follow too.

It's supposed to be fun...

Ohhhh, Right. Tango is supposed to be fun. I'm agonizing, and too in my head.

I consistently miss crosses that aren't lead. I know it is the only thing I am supposed to anticipate, but I consistently miss them. I just am not thinking that way about it in the middle of a dance. Oh wait, hey...why is he looking at me like that? oh right, he stepped outside of me, step, step.... ahhhh.... damn, I missed that cross. That's why he's looking at me like that.

And you know what?, who cares? (besides me. and I agonize over it.)

On Tango and Femininity

"Guys, if the woman has to spell it out for you, the emotion is going to be
frustration. If the emotion is going to be ecstasy, you are going to have to focus on that woman in your arms with every fiber of your being.
You must discover the dance she desires.

I'm not saying that I am any good at this, but I know that it really isn't the
woman's responsibility to even know what she wants.
It's the man's task to discover the dance she desires and
to offer it to her in a magical embrace.
It's not easy, it's not fair, it's tango."
--Tom Heneghen

One of the things that I love about tango, about good tango anyway, is the innate respect for the woman as a powerful being. Women are viewed as something cherished, loved, protected. Not because she is weak, but because she is a precious thing and he is special to have those few moments with her.

This is something that is missing from our culture. We no longer have a culture that cherishes women. We view them in many roles, but rarely is it with true profound respect; the kind of respect we see in the eyes of young boys before they realize their mother is flawed, the kind of respect and adoration we see in the eyes of a lover when they are vulnerable from lovemaking, the kind of awe we reserve for spiritual experiences, or natural earth forces.

So, when I am in the arms of a man(or woman) that cherishes my role as the follow, who honors my agreement to dance their lead, who shares in the intimacy, who values, offers and receives vulnerability: that lead is singing to my deeper self and I feel powerful. I feel feminine. I feel gorgeous. And it is because that person is cherishing my time-honored role as a woman.

Meh

You asked me to dance. We got one song in before the tanda ended, but you held onto me, an invitation I accepted. And then you started to think...you knew it was likely going to be a milonga tanda. And I saw you looking for a way to get out. You made some comment about milongas being demanding, and I saw you look around. At that point, I gracefully let you off the hook.

Nevermind that I love milongas, nevermind that I actually dance them fairly well, nevermind that you could have said thank you and escorted me off the floor after the first song....

So I quickly exited the floor while you scurried off to find the one you really wanted to dance with, and sat that tanda out.

Several tandas later you approached me and instead of just offering an apology and an offer to dance, you told me that milongas are challenging to dance, and there are really only a few people you want to dance them with. (read: and you aren't one of them)

And because my mother taught me to be nice, to think of others first, to imagine how they feel...I said that yes, of course it was fine, of course I understood, and certainly I would be happy to dance this tanda with you.

But you know what? It wasn't fine. Oh, you wanting to dance the tanda with someone else was fine. But what wasn't fine was you explaining it away. And it certainly didn't help that the make-up tanda was crap...

Next time, all you need to say is "I'm sorry I left you in the middle of the song. Thank you so much for your graciousness, and if you'll have me, I'd love to dance this tanda with you." And then make it the best damn tanda ever.

Please see update here.

On Intention

There is a conversation going on here that has been happening in my head for awhile.

When I am in the embrace of a lead, I am surrendering a certain amount of my own direction. I follow his lead, I take the steps he leads and hopefully, we find a synchronicity. One of the few true decisions I retain is the intention I bring to the dance.

When I step, what is my intention? When I place my arm along his shoulder, what is my intention? Am I completely connecting? Am I holding something in reserve? Am I allowing myself to be vulnerable and open enough to the dance?

I think the key is that my body is the vehicle of the extension of the lead's energy. When I feel him make the intention, I allow that intention to move my body in response.

When I surrender, or submit, to my lead's intention, what I really am saying is, "I hear what you are asking of me, and I will allow you to use my body to communicate your intention" and this is not in any way passive. This is a conscious acknowledgment on my part that I like your energy, and I like matching it and I enjoy how we move (it) together, and I have my own flavor to mingle with your intention.

And I can stop it cold if I don't like it.

Recently, I have found myself backleading into the music, which is a terrible thing to be doing! I wonder if I am reading the intention of the leader that he isn't following through on, or am I so lost in the music that I miss his subtle cues that he is pulling back from that next step?

Shouldn't there be a symbiotic connection? Shouldn't, or doesn't, my lead read me as I am reading him? I don't want to sacrifice the beauty of the connection to the music at the sake of reading my lead. How do I have both?