Sweetest of Things

Getting so Big!

2011-02-11T21:28:00.000-08:00

Remember these little beauties:

Look at what they've become:

(his head is still giant compared to hers!)

Couple Dating

2011-02-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

This whole process of choosing the next set of Intended Parents that I will carry is daunting.

Here is the ad I have up on a popular surrogate website:

Experienced GC looking to help one more family!

I delivered a singleton in 2007 and twins in 2009 for a wonderful NY family. The joy at seeing their family complete brings me back to help one more family.

I:
• am 34, have a 23 BMI, and am VERY healthy. Strawberry blond hair, blue eyes, fair complexion;
• am partnered, have children and am financially, emotionally and socially secure;
• live in Eugene, Oregon, which offers something similar to pre-birth orders;
• have health insurance with no surrogacy or prenatal exclusions;
• have healthy easy pregnancies and deliveries;
• am asking a $**k base comp, with typical extras
• am ready to start cycling in late Summer, early Fall

The Ideal Intended Parents:
• are financially, emotionally and socially ready;
• are good communicators;
• value a healthy lifestyle, low intervention pregnancy and birth, and breastfeeding;
• prefer a singleton and a sibling project over twins

Please email me for a profile, photos and other information. I am excited to match with the right family, get to know each other, and help you have your baby!

I do not discriminate based on gender, sexuality, ethnicity, race, religion.

So, they reply and ask me a bunch of questions, and it's like internet dating. Maybe we progress to a phone call, but what typically happens is that we find something in the process that tells us we don't want to be so intimately involved in eachother's lives.

sigh. I don't like this part so much. I wish for new IPs to just fall into my lap. If you know of someone wonderful, let me know.

Birthday Wishes

2011-02-08T17:41:00.000-08:00

This isn't me, but it could be!

From as far back as I can remember, I have been drawn to big tractory type creatures. They lumber around, scoop things up, tear things down, move big heavy stuff, and turn humans into SUPERhumans. The way some little girls fantasize about their wedding gowns, I've played dress-up in my mind with carhartt coveralls, orange safety-vests and personalized hard hats and ear muff(in)s.

Several months back I mentioned to my boss that it was my 35th birthday wish that I drive a backhoe. We laughed about it, and in my overly busy way, I promptly forgot.

But my boss and co-workers did not.

We do office celebrations for birthdays, and each year I duck out on my own and ask that we not do much, that I don't enjoy being the center of attention, etc. And they, begrudgingly, agree. And so yesterday, I got a very nice card with lots of sweet messages in it, and some happy birthdays and it was blissfully a non-event.

Today, when my boss lured me away for an office errand, they surprised me with Heavy Machinery. (ok, really is was medium heavy machinery, but still!!!)

I learned how to drive one of these:

which they called 'the Ferrari'. It goes back and forth, AND UP AND DOWN!!!

And one of these:

which I got to scoop and dump gravel with! The dumping sounds a little like a rain stick, and was my favorite part. Well, and the having to ram the tractor into the gravel pile before scooping.

And when we got back to the office, my co-worker had prepared pans of 'dirt' that had hidden treats in it, and there were little front loaders to drive through the delicious 'dirt'.

Best Office Birthday Party EVER!!!

Born this way

2011-02-08T13:12:00.000-08:00

I have attached a link to a blog that I think is worth visiting. This blog is filled with pictures of LGBTQ people when they were young, expressing themselves in all their early-queer glory.

I think this blog is important because while we strive for equality, and the people that love us just see us as people, the truth is that in some fundamental ways, queer people feel different from a very young age. Most of us didn't even really know why we felt different until our later teen years, some it took much longer, and some knew from the very beginning; but almost all of us knew we were different.

This is important, because it illustrates that being gay is built into us.

On Being a Step-Parent

2011-02-06T17:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I had NO IDEA. None. How can one single thing be so so hard?

Let's get this out of the way right up front. Their Mom? She's great. She's a wonderful mother, and she's been a step-mother, had a step-mother. She's knows it.

I liked her before I met her ex-husband, and still like her. So, this really isn't about her. I mean, it is, of course, but really it's not. She doesn't make my life hell, she doesn't poison her kids against me, or any of the myriad other nasty ex-wife/real mother stories that are out there. It's a complex relationship, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't bumpy, but we all have it pretty good.

And WondefulMan? He's great too. He backs me up, he works with me to parent collaboratively, he tries to walk that very difficult road between being her ex-husband and father of her kids, and my partner and co-parent. He holds me when I cry and gets upset that he can't make it all better. And he changes his processes to meet my needs, just like I change mine. Wonderful.

Here's what is hard. These aren't MY kids. These are kids that I get to love, that I have to/get to help parent, that I share a home with, that I share a love with. But they aren't MY kids with WonderfulMan. They are HER kids with WonderfulMan and I am, at best, SecondBest.

So, that's me. SecondBest.

The kids like me. Which is nice. And they don't enact open warfare. Which is also nice.

But I'm SecondBest and it is so so so hard. I don't want to replace their mom. She's a good mom, she loves them, takes good care of them, and she should always come first in their mind. But you know what? I don't love their kids second best. That's not how I'm built. I love them the same. I worry about their health and safety like I worry about mine. I lie in bed worrying about them, and they take up just as much time in my head as mine do. So being SecondBest? It's hard. And it makes me cry.

And so I went looking for information, and research and stuff to help me figure out how to handle these emotions. And most books tell me how to make it easier or better for the kids (which I'm pretty ok at doing), or tell me how to be a better communicator with their mother (which I'm also ok at), or how to put my marriage/love first (hard to do with kids everywhere, but we manage pretty ok at this too). But they don't tell me about ME. They don't tell me how to make myself feel better. Or how to reframe things. And so many delight in bashing the first mother, and I don't like/want/do that.

This is so very very hard.

(and wonderful. because I love the dad that WonderfulMan is. And I love sharing his joy over his kids, and I love seeing tons of shoes tumbled all about at the door, and I love that my kids wonder and ask when his kids will be back from their moms, and I love that sometimes I get a special moment with the kids where I can feel the love bond grow, and so much more...)

step-parent, blended family, ex-wife, step-mother, stepmother,

Update

2011-02-06T14:01:00.000-08:00

It's been a over a year since my last blog, and a fairly momentous year too!

Tomorrow I turn 35, and I find each year is better than the last. No one tells you that growing oldER is a joy, but truly it is!

The man I fell in love with (to be known as WonderfulMan herein) is still an amazingly beautiful man, and I can say this past year has been one of the biggest for personal growth. We moved in together last May, and we have been together for a year as of December 8th. We have been working hard at loving one another, managing a large (!) blended family, and still holding on to our personal autonomy.

On Previous Topics (this is an update post, after all):

Queer Girl dates Man: I no longer feel conspicuous or out of place walking down the street holding hands with a man. However, my social community has definitely changed. My queer friends continue on with their lives, and we don't see eachother as often. While I understand that is part of what happens when you couple, it feels a profound loss to me and I often feel alone and a little lost. My partner is amazing, but he isn't, and has never been, queer. It's hard to share a world with him that he doesn't relate to and has little impact on his life.

Tango: I've reached new places this year, and I am so thankful. Tango isn't angsty anymore! What a relief. SERIOUSLY. I fall deeper in love with the music and find myself in deeper introspection. And it is lovely to share tango with my partner. I heard so many warnings about dating/loving in the tango scene, but it enriches my relationship with tango, and also with WonderfulMan.

Parenting: My role as a parent has expanded. WonderfulMan and I now parent 10 kids:
My two biological boys (ages almost 15 and 10),
my live-in foster son/adult (19),
my former fosterson (22--and he'd probably bristle at the idea that I'm parenting him still, but I am even if he doesn't know it),
and WonderfulMan's children: ages 5, 8, 9, 12(the only girl!!!), 13. WonderfulMan also has an 18 year old son that doesn't live with us that I get to love.
WonderfulMan's kids are with us almost half-time. It has been a lot of (rewarding) work on everyone's parts to learn to become a family, and we are still working on it. But, I think, overall, it's been a really lovely thing.

Surrogacy: The twins turned two right about the same time WonderfulMan and I, and our families, moved in together. They, and their brother, are amazingly beautiful, and the older I get the more warm glowy my heart gets. I continue to value the relationship with their parents in a way I can't really begin to explain, except to say that there are many things that I am proud of in my life and that bring me joy, and carrying those kids for that family is way up there at the top.

I am looking for a new family to carry for, and it's been interesting beginning this process again. I have been looking informally for about 6 months, and have talked with many people, but haven't found the right ones just yet.

I hope to keep up a bit more with the blog, but life is full. I also imagine it will take on more of the (dreaded) MommyBlog thing, as I work through parenting littles again. I appreciate you hanging out with me, and understand if you bail.

Gender and loving a man

2010-01-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

It's weird to have fallen for a man.

I know that it doesn't matter, not really. I've always fallen for the person, not the gender, but for a long time now I've really only been interested in having long-term relationships with women. My few love affairs with men were temporary, and I knew it, so was comfortable indulging that. Like visiting a foreign country.

And I've always loved Women, because they are women. Not because of some trauma in my life, or abuse or any of the other crap that people use to explain away why someone is gay. I've known since about 4th grade, and maybe even younger, that I liked women. My first crushes were Daisy Duke and Laura Ingalls. When I walk down the street, it's women that turn my head. I barely even glance at men.

But here he is, and I've never been so in love or felt such completion. And it is hard to reconcile this in my head. It's a whole reordering of my social universe.

I feel conspicuous with him in public. It feels weird to have people look at us, or to see us slip in a quick cuddle. Like I am doing something wrong. He tells me they are probably just enjoying our being in love.

He's turning my whole world upside down.

The crazy mix

2010-01-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

I know what craziness I bring to the mix. I'm keenly aware of it. I have for years heard CC's* mother in my head telling me I'm just too much, that I wear people out.

I always figured it would be after my kids were grown. Because who would understand? Who would be part of the loving mess I created?

Sure, my friends and family support my fostering, my surrogacies, my net full of those that need love. But they don't really understand. When I talk about those aspects of my life, they show respect or admiration, or shake their head at my craziness, or say something supportive and loving and kind. Which is wonderful, but it's not...it's not what I want. I want someone that understands that I do these things because they need to be done, because it is just part of life, because it's just what we do.

And I really thought I'd have to wait. That it would be when they all were grown.

But he gets it.

----------------------------------------------------
* Beaches, the movie

Hey, hey guys....

2010-01-03T00:38:00.001-08:00

...I'm in love.

Again with the tango...

2009-12-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

It's come again, this pulling sucking need to be in the embrace of tango. I don't obsess about it in my head, or think about it every single second or relate my entire existence to tango anymore, but it just pulls at my very soul. It's what I imagine loneliness must feel like, all tucked up inside myself for no one but me to notice. But it pulls me to a place of emotion and its all on my surface and all I want is to just lose it in the music, the embrace, the movement and give in. Just give in. Because tango will love me for it.

Brigitta Winkler

2009-11-10T20:37:00.001-08:00

Brigitta Winkler was here this last weekend, and I can't say enough good things about her!

She was gracious, warm, friendly, and a fantastic teacher. In addition, her total lack of snobbishness was refreshing and charming. In addition to learning lots from her, I really felt her dedication to sharing the essence of connection. If you get a chance, she is well worth spending a weekend with!

Back from New York

2009-11-05T20:10:00.000-08:00

What a wonderful week in the city with the Parents and their children. The weather was divine, with crisp in the air, leaves falling everywhere, and the beginnings of scarf temperatures!

I danced. Some very fantastic dances and the worst dance I've ever had as well.

And I spent lots of time with the Parents and their kids. What a joy it was to see them as a family. I wondered if the children would know me, at least a little. The 2 1/2 yr old knew who I was, because his parents talk about me and have pictures of me around. But he didn't know me beyond that. And the twins, they didn't seem to have any special memory of me either. And I wondered, before I got there, how I'd feel if they didn't.

And I felt relieved! It was amazing to see their family. To get to part of their day-to-day as a friend, but to not be pregnant, to not be the one making their dreams true, to just be a treasured friend. It was so perfectly right that the babies didn't know me, and that Tor was shy with me.

Surrogacy has new adventures for me all the time. I wasn't sure completely what I would feel seeing Tor and the babies again. Would I feel a tug of connection? Would I feel some sadness? Would I feel judgmental about how they parent? I really had no idea. But what I felt was satisfaction and completion. I realized, it doesn't really matter to me whether people know how the children got here, and it doesn't even really matter to me if the children know how they got here. Of course, I can say that knowing that the Parents love me, that they honor our experience together, and that the children DO know how much love they were made with. If I weren't so appreciated and treated with such respect, maybe I would feel different?

Again, I am awed by what an amazing experience surrogacy with this family has been.

WOW!

2009-10-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

If ever there were something to kick my butt back into posting, it's the hundred + hits I've received this morning courtesy of Mamapedia Voices! Thank you so much for featuring my post.

I am off to New York this weekend to visit the twins, their brother and their fabulous parents! I could not be more thrilled!

I'll post something with a bit more depth later, but I wanted to say that special thanks to Mamapedia, both for featuring me and for getting me on the blog train again.

An Open Letter to Movement Invites Movement

2009-08-21T11:57:00.001-07:00

Dear Movement Invites Movement Tango Bloggers:

I am alternately frustrated and interested in what you have to say. I don't particularly *like* your blog as I often feel that your posts convey a snarky sense of better than, and that puts me off--maybe because I'm new to the tango community, maybe because I care about what my community thinks of me and your lack of caring offends that? I don't really know. But I want to comment on your lack of allowing comments.

I'd like to dialogue with you. I'd like to discuss your opinions and understand why you have them. Your assertion that the comment section is for bashing isn't something I have really seen happening on most of the blogs I've read. In fact, most of the tango blogs I read spur honest and illuminating conversation. And are full of support and interest and nice networking opportunities. I have had far more instances of being touched and moved by someone's post or comment than I have been angered, hurt or frustrated.

So, because you choose not to hear what others have to say about your posts, perhaps you are just robbing yourself of the opportunity to really be part of this internet tango blogging community, such that it is. If you have no desire to really connect, then stop whining about people being turned off by your not allowing comments. But if you do want to connect and share ideas and thoughts, for goodness sakes, put your big girl/boy panties on and jump in. I'd welcome you.

Sincerely,
Fledgling Tanguera

(please note, my comments are OPEN)

2009-08-17T18:58:00.001-07:00

Tango: It's the bacon of the dance world.

No Words

2009-08-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

(seriously, what must their mamas think?)

Thanks to Why Women Hate Men

Teen Talk

2009-07-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

Here's my new approach:

When listening to my teen's continually rude and grating, know-it-all, how-dare-you-even-consider-disturbing-me tone of voice, I will attempt to hear it like I would hear a foreigner's thick accent. And I will attempt to respond with the patience and care I would gladly extend to a foreigner I was having a difficult time understanding.

Because I'm pretty sure I don't contemplate strangling heavily-accented foreigners every time they open their mouths.

Where in the World is Fledgling Tanguera?

2009-07-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends...

I know I have been remiss in blogging and I apologize.

Shortly after having the babies, I enjoyed a very short respite of normality, enjoying my children and life. And then disaster struck.

I am a board member on my children's school board. We are a very sweet 230ish kid K-8 public charter Montessori school. Well, our school burned down. Since then, we have been feverishly working to locate a new home, deal with insurance, order supplies, mobilize parent groups, etc.... the list is never ending. It has been a heartbreaking, and equally moving, time. I am touched by the commitment, dedication and love that the parents and staff express, and the kindness and support of our community as we attempt to pull ourselves up and rebuild.

So, no, I am not done blogging. I will return to sharing and purging when things slow down and our future is more secure.

In the meantime...I am doing some dancing. :)

Happy 1 Year Blog-a-Birthday!

2009-05-31T22:22:00.000-07:00

I missed it because I was busy off having babies, but as of May 25th, I've been blogging for 1 year!

Beautiful Moments

2009-05-31T22:01:00.001-07:00

For me, the moment that makes it true, the moment that makes it all just right, the moment that I carry in my head and heart as the most perfect moments in our surrogacy;

It's the moment after birth when I hold the babies and the mother says something and they turn their heads toward her voice. Because they know her. Babies instinctively turn toward their mothers' voices.

I remember the moment it happened with Tor, and the delight I felt and the surprise! And then the absolute perfectness of that moment. And with the twinnies, ahhhh, the same joy.

It could not be more beautiful than that moment.

They're Gone. : (

2009-05-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today I kissed their precious little heads, hugged their parents hard, and said my GoodByes.

It's such a bittersweet moment to have them go home. I want desperately for them to return to their lives and settle into their being parents, to leave the surrogacy part of it behind and just be their family. To have the completion and the normalcy that families not struck with infertility have. To just be a family, not a family through surrogacy.

And so I held them tight and loved their sweet little butter bodies, and talked and laughed with the parents, and put each special second in a sacred decorated part of my brain to mull over and dig through and wallow in for the next week as I miss them terribly.

And my heart is so tender and filled with joy and I am completely at peace, but Oh, I miss them already. I miss the parents and the way they light up when their babies lock eyes with them. I miss the way the parents talk to eachother with the closeness of people who know eachother through and through. I miss the closeness and special delight we all have in eachother. I miss the feel of their little bodies melting against me. I miss the joy I get from watching the parents figure out all the intricacies of what their babies like. I guess I just miss them.

And still, I am filled with an indescribable joy and sense of completion and satisfaction. This is what surrogacy is, this combination of love and passion and perfect loss.

I am so proud of those parents and feel so lucky to share in this special thing we all did together. I can't think of what I did to deserve such a blessing, but I am thankful and humbled to be granted such a love as strong as this.

Babies Are Here!

2009-05-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

More to come later, but...

The Babies Are Here!

They were born last night and are doing well. Both are healthy and vigorous and cute and didn't need any NICU time.

I'm sore and tired and relieved to no longer be pregnant.

And, I am beyond honored and thrilled to be part of creating this family! What a joy to see the parents loving their babies!

Thanks for everyone's interest, and those of you checking in! I promise a more detailed birth story in a couple days.

Other Than Tango, Tango Music

2009-05-11T23:21:00.001-07:00

This isn't one of those judgmental calls on what is or is not tango. I could care less what people dance, and how they do it, as long as they are respectful of other dancers on the floor, and their partner.

But I've spent the last several days mulling this over in my head, and I really would like your input.

How is it that you can find the heart of the dance of Tango in music that isn't Tango music?

For me, the very essence of the dance is in the nuance of the music, and I have a hard time feeling it the same in non-tango music, and even in non-traditional tango music. So, it makes it hard for me to understand what ignites the passion of the dance of Tango in you, if it isn't the music? What moves you? And, if it is about the music, but you don't listen to traditional, then how do you find the tango spirit in it?

34+ preggo update

2009-05-09T20:20:00.001-07:00

We're 34 weeks and some change, coming up quickly on 35 weeks and I'm round and full of babies! The end is just a couple short weeks away, and I've started to feel that melancholy bittersweet sense of wanting to grasp every single last little moment of enjoying having the babies in me, and also just want to be able to mow my damn lawn!

I asked pretty please for the cerclage to come out early so I didn't have to worry about removing it once I was in labor, so the surgery to remove it is scheduled for Wednesday, which (by their reckoning) will put us at exactly 35 weeks. The mama of the babies will be here the following Monday, and I think it would be nice to have them sometime that week, but I wouldn't mind if they wanted to hang out a while longer too. Although 37-38 weeks would be better, anything after 36 is fine too. They'll be healthy and happy, just not as plump as I would like.

I am really enjoying this last part of the pregnancy, and being round and full moon big. Today the sun was out and it was a treasure to feel it warming my taut skin, and to feel the babies squirming as they too were warmed. I can't really think of much I like better. In the end, I just do love being pregnant.

I am excited to see their mama again! Although we talk a lot, I haven't seen the mama and papa since the birth of Tor, nearly 2 years ago! It seems like so long, but when you are just going through your daily living motions it goes so fast, and suddenly it's been two years. The mama isn't bringing my surroson with her for the birth of the twins, and I completely understand! I can't imagine trying to figure out how to juggle all of the arrangements and having no idea when the babies will come, etc. I will go out to visit them sometime this summer and it will be so nice to see the whole family together! But for now, I am just looking forward to getting some one-on-one time with the mama. I have grown to really love her.

The rest of my life has been busy and full; with tango stuff (but no dancing), parenting, work, etc...all the things that keep life moving and lovely. For the most part, it's wonderful and satisfying.

Hopefully, my next blog post will be an announcement of babies!

Lots of spring love to all of you in the blogosphere!

Tired of Tango? Want Out?

2009-05-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

The surefire fastest way to become disenchanted with your tango community? Get involved in running an event. That'll do it for you.

*sigh*

Your Bed, the Most Important Place in the World

2009-04-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

This commercial is an advertisement for a company that produces beds called Flex. They're slogan is "Tu camar, el lugar más importante del mundo,” or “Your bed, the most important place in the world.”

Here is a rough translation, from NazelGazingMidwife. My spanish is not very good, so if you find something really off, let me know!

The best option is to birth my baby in my home, Eduardo, our first baby, was also born in the same bed.

A miracle, isn’t it? To give birth to another, to help another leave the body?

And a woman needs to give birth where she wants to, in the place where she feels good.

(man says something I don’t understand)

Mom says, ‘I can’t do it.’

Midwife says, ‘Slow, slow… very slow, very slow.’

Mom says something about the sights and smells of the birth, the warmth that giving birth at home is very special. (notice her bliss!)

Your bed. The most important place in the world.”

Help this guy get to Peru

2009-04-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not really a forwarding kind of person, but I appreciate when people have to make an effort to actually achieve something. And, this guy has agreed to take on a couple tasks that make me shudder.

So, stop by his blog and give him a dollar. He's trying to get to Peru for a summer internship with the Human Rights and Juvenile Justice System.

Steven will clean the Microwaves for Money

Tango last week...

2009-04-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I danced a couple tandas. I was really nervous to dance, nervous in that excited little kid way when the kid gets a new bike but it's almost too perfect to touch.

It was...different.

I was very deliberate with my choice of leaders and probably a little overboard on the lecture about keeping it basic, easy on twisty things, lead me slowly and expect some delays from me. (I like to think languid, not slow to react...)

The first song was full of giggles as we negotiated my belly and worked to find the right embrace. Even this pregnant I just don't want to dance Open. I just can't feel it, and it doesn't move me. So we started with what was our normal embrace, but that was awkward, and then tried a slightly looser less closey embrace, but that just made it hard for us to hear one another. Finally we settled on a V embrace that felt pretty good.

After our first dance, and moving into the second, I heard him release a held breath, and heard his sweet little whisper of, 'ahhhh, now I'm figuring you out'. In that moment I felt very cared for and heard, and really appreciated knowing that he was taking the time to reacquaint himself with how I was able to move. It made every tense thing in me relax, because I knew he wasn't going to lead me in something that would hurt me. I hadn't even realized how rigid I was holding myself, how protective I was being.

There were other dances, and they were sweet. I enjoyed the dancing, and was glad to just be in the tango again.

Notes to self:

Even this pregnant, flats were a little awkward. Will try heels next time, though definitely lower practica heels. My balance is better in heels.

Overturned Ochos are NOT ok in the third trimester. Ouch.

I need to suggest the embrace. (I often wait and allow it to happen organically, but I need to be a little bit more guiding.)

Allow myself a slower reaction time. Allow myself to be ok with enjoying placing each step exactly. This is a time to slow down each and every movement and enjoy that beauty. The lead will follow my pace.

Expect the music to take me away. I haven't been so affected since when I first started to dance. The emotion in it is larger than life right now.

I still felt graceful. What a gift.

OH, So, THIS is Argentine Tango....

2009-04-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

So glad to know that THIS is what is a perfect score for Argentine Tango...

I can't wait to deliver these babies so I can try out some of these moves on my nearest social dance floor.

Seriously.

Stone Soup 2009

2009-03-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

StoneSoup is in my home town this year!

April 30-May 3, 2009
Tango Center, Eugene, Oregon

I'd love to see you here, and if you need a place to crash, I have a wonderful couch and plenty of floor space. I'd love to have you.

Here's the website: StoneSoup Tango-You-Topia

Errant Blogger Update

2009-03-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

So, today I got really really good news.

First, I'm 28 weeks pregnant! That's a milestone in multiple pregnancies.

And, the babies are both great. They're about two weeks ahead of where singletons usually are right now, so they are growing really really well. Baby Boy is nearly three pounds and his sister is just a little bit behind him. Baby Boy (who is presenting) is also vertex, which means that as long as he stays that way, and it's likely he will, I can have them vaginally! Baby Girl is breech, but that doesn't matter so much in twin births.

And, because everything looks so good the perinatologist told me I can increase my activity level to 3-4 times what I'm currently doing. And I can go into work for 2 hours a day instead of 1! This all sounds perfect to me. I'm not back to my normal activity level, but who wants to be when hitting the third trimester with twins anyway!

And, he told me I can take 4 15 minute walks a day. hmmm.....15 minutes is more than most tandas. And tango really is just walking. I'm sure I can find some nice tangueros that would like to take a stroll with me....

So, good news all around.

I miss the (tango) touch

2009-03-03T00:42:00.001-08:00

The other night I had a friend embrace me in a way that I haven't had since I stopped dancing. It wasn't a tango embrace, it was just a sweet touch and a hug, but it reminded me of the intimacy I am missing out on.

I am not, overall, a touchy person but I get my fair share of hugs and cuddles. But it's different in a way I don't completely know how to explain. There is an intimacy that comes with knowing how people move together, how they connect beyond the words, that I think is unique to lovers, to mothers and their young children, to tango dancers.

And I miss it. I miss the touch and the touching. I miss the intuitive loving we do when we wrap someone in an embrace, or allow ourselves to be wrapped in an embrace.

*sigh*

i miss dancing

What do you do for a job?

2009-03-03T00:40:00.001-08:00

I am curious what fellow tango dancers, instructors and event organizers do to actually make money. I don't need the actual title or specifics, but I'd love to know the general category. Specifically, do you run a business? Are you employed in something art based? Where do you fit in the professional world?

Yay! Good news!

2009-02-26T12:03:00.000-08:00

Today the perinatologist did another scan and (finally!) it was all good news! Both babies look great, and growing ahead of schedule and have topped the 1 1/2 lb. mark! And, my cervix is holding well and looks good.

AND, he said I could start slowing adding some low level activity to my schedule. Starting with walking 10 minutes a day! And then in a week or two adding yoga, and eventually adding swimming into the mix! I can not even begin to tell you how liberating it feels to hear this!

And, instead of the doom and gloom speech of 'Prepare Yourself for 28 Weekers', I got the probably more like 34 weeks. This could all change in a matter of hours if things go wonky, but for now I'll take this great news and celebrate!

What I do for a living.

2009-02-25T21:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was sitting in my car waiting for my kids to get out of school and a mom that I am casually friendly with approached me and mentioned that she didn't know I was pregnant again. We chit-chatted a bit about it and I told her that these babies weren't mine either, that it was another surrogacy, and for the same family I carried for before.

And she said, "How interesting. I've never met anyone that makes their living doing what you do."

I know she meant it in a genuine and interested way, and that she was in no way being catty or rude.

I have a job. I make my living as a legal assistant in a family formation law firm. Surrogacy is NOT a job. I am not paid to carry someone's baby. I am compensated for the effort and time I go through, and I realize that is a fine line if you aren't living it.

I don't know why it bothers me so much this time around, but it does. A lot.

Treat me like I'm...

2009-02-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

AlmostGrownChild*: I'm going to stay late and then I'll be home.

ManyMom: Actually, I'd like you to please be on the next bus home. You broke curfew yesterday and then were sneaky today by waiting until I had left the house to leave, when you were on restriction and I had specifically said no to you going to your meeting early. You need to come home now.

AlmostGrownChild: Hmph! I wish you'd stop treating me like a 16 year old and start treating me like a 17 year old!
*slams down telephone, hanging up on me*

chuckle, snort, giggle. hahahahahahahaha!

__________________________________________________________________
*This is my current fosterteen. He turned 17 a couple weeks ago. He's lovely, and has been with us since August, and I really enjoy him.

Seductive Dance School Ads (repost)

2009-02-18T09:53:00.000-08:00

Huh, my classes certainly don't progress in this fashion!

(Sorry, couldn't figure out how to copy the images into my blog. You'll just have to click.)

New (tango) bloguera

2009-02-18T09:27:00.001-08:00

Sometime over the Christmas season, google fed a me a little jewel in my reader. I have it set to scan for tango related web items (and you would NOT believe how many non-tango things are tagged with tango!) and it sent me to Adriana Palanca's blog post Why I should take tango lessons. I left a little message and didn't check back for awhile.

Lo and behold, that Holiday party sent her to classes and she's blogging about it!

If you get a chance, stop by and say hello, send her some encouragement. Tell her a story about what it was like when you started.

(Here, here, here and here are her next few tango posts, one for each class, but the rest of her blog is really worth reading as well!)

Tango in my Dreams, if not reality

2009-02-18T07:50:00.003-08:00

Last night I had the most lovely dream that I was in a wedding/function thing and had a partner that I was 'assigned' to. We didn't know each other, or speak the same language, and didn't have a chance to communicate anyway as we were busy with our duties.

At the conclusion of the event, when tables were cleared and chairs put away and we were saying our goodbyes I went to shake his hand and hug him goodbye. He had been a lovely companion and I'd enjoyed our limited talkless time together. But he held our hug, and then a tango started, and he moved us into an embrace and the embrace was so *right*. It was that fit that makes it all come together, the sense of mingling spirits. My left arm went softly around his shoulders and sank just a bit like butter and never needed to move. My right arm, I didn't even sense it. And when he moved us, it was, well there was no body. Just us and the music and the movement to it. And we danced a couple songs, and when the last song ended he kissed me on the cheek and went his way and I returned to where my friends were sitting just a few feet away.

And I could feel that slightly shocked, removed feeling over me, like a heavy blanket or a cloak. And my friends said, That was Nice. And all I could do was grin foolishly because I knew that was the best dance I'd ever had in my life.

If I can't have it on the dance floor, I'll take it in my dreams. I feel a bit glowy this morning.

Traumatic

2009-02-17T02:21:00.000-08:00

Can I just share with you all how traumatic the hospital experience really was for me? It's taken a bit to process it, but here, a couple weeks later, I can say it was traumatic.

There I was, on a table, legs up in crazy expose-me-to-the-world stirrups, and a spinal block. I can't feel anything below my bellybutton, can't move my legs, can't do anything but lay there at the mercy of these people that I don't know and don't trust. They're doing their routine thing, all normal and typical to them. And all I can do is lay there and breathe. And fight back the panic. Count the times my blood pressure drops so low he has to give me epinephrine and the buzzy two second high when it hits.

It was traumatic.

Surrogacy and Money

2009-02-17T02:01:00.000-08:00

I know it's a topic of interest.

I don't get that much money for carrying a baby (or babies), for fulfilling a dream, for creating a family. If one were to average it out, it's no where near minimum wage. The compensation I receive as a surrogate is part of what makes it a legit and legal exchange, part of what defines the parameters to keep everyone safe, part of what makes the sacrifices worth it. But it's not WHY I am surrogate. In fact, I don't know a single surrogate that actually considers money the main reason she carries. And, in all honesty, as I sit her on bedrest, the idea that the money is the motivation is laughable. There really isn't enough money out there to make me halting my normal life worth it.

But I will tell you what is worth it all:

Creating a Family
Being part of something done with such Intention
Knowing that these children are wanted, cherished and cared for
Helping someone's Dream come true
Feeling these babies kick and knowing that every ounce of thought about them is suffused with love

I've seen births that I walked away from and said prayers for those babies and the lives ahead of them. I've seen new parents with no thought or consideration for what it means to actually parent. I've had children in my home that have so much damage that I'm not sure they can be loved enough to repair it.

I have a chance to help repair just a little bit of that damage, to balance it out.

So, yes, I'm compensated and it helps, but it's at the bottom of the list of why I am a surrogate. And so when people ask me first about the money, or say "You must get paid a lot to be willing to do that" or they make snide comments about babyselling, or they suggest I am a uterine whore....I don't even know what to say. The rude ones I don't bother with, they won't get it anyway.

But the rest of the people....how do I convey to them the aching beauty and trust that the parents share with me, give to me, to carry their child? And the absolute honor that is? How do I convey to them that this lovely little being inside of me wants and expects nothing more than the purity of love for a short time, and I get to give it? How do I share the absolute heartwrenching moment of seeing the parents realize that the baby in their arms is theirs?

I wish I could get people to really understand what is at the heart of being a surrogate.

What else does she have to do?

2009-02-17T01:27:00.000-08:00

So, one might suppose that because I'm on bedrest I would have nothing better to do than sit around and blog. But One would be wrong! There is so much more to do. Here is a list of my daily activities that prevent me from blogging (not necessarily in order):

1. obsession with Surrogate Mothers Online forums
2. Facebook
3. Staring at the dirty door frames, cupboards, etc in my house
4. disrupting my cat's need to slumber right where I am laying
5. obsessing about how I'm not tangoing
6. feeling guilty for having a faulty cervix

In all seriousness, I will be on bedrest until the babies come. If you look alllllll the way down at the bottom of my blog, there's a ticker that will tell you exactly how long that is supposed to be.

I'm bored. I'm slightly depressed. I'm NOT lonely (thanks to wonderful friends, and my lovely children) and I miss being able to just do regular everyday things without thinking if I am jeopardizing anyone.

My children soon got over the novelty of having my undivided attention (maybe they could sense my desperateness?) and have gone back to their surprisingly uneffected routines. They are wonderful and have really been sweet about picking up where I have stepped away, and I am continually amazed and honored to have these kids in my life.

And, underneath all this bedridden angst is the really sweet reminders when Baby Boy kicks and moves, and Baby Girl does her little floaty thing that makes me feel like she's a dolphin in there, that I am bringing them into the world and being part of building this family is still one of the most special things I've ever been part of.

In the Hospital

2009-01-29T10:20:00.000-08:00

Well thanks to a small complication, I've spent the last couple of days in the hospital. I'm ok, and the babies are great, and I'm glad we all caught it before it got too far along.

It seems that my cervix is shortening, and so we put in a cerclage. A cerclage is a band of suture that goes through or around (mine is around) the cervix to prevent if from opening prematurely. It is a necessary intervention in our case. We'll remove it around 34-36 weeks, and let labor happen on its own. And hope that we don't go into labor before that.

This means limited activity for me, and at least a week of full bed rest. At home, at least. It means a whole lot of sitting and laying around. This will be a new experience for me, because, I don't know if you can tell--but, I'm kind of a busy person.

It will also mean board games in bed with my kids, extra snuggles, reading books together, quiet time, and bonding with my cat. It's not how I wanted it to work out, but an excuse to lay around and hang out with my kids sounds ok too. I haven't had time to have that kind of one-on-one with them, that kind of dedicated, nothing else we need to do, kind of time in a loooong time. That part of it will be nice.

This also means no more tango for this pregnancy.

Missed Connection

2009-01-29T10:16:00.001-08:00

Call me a romantic, but this San Francisco gentleman met a tanguera, was swept up in her mystery and made the mistake of not getting her number. Maybe some of you fancy yourselves matchmakers....if you know who his cinderella was, can you pass on the word that he'd love to meet up with her again?

Betrayal

2009-01-25T01:19:00.000-08:00

I am still grappling with a betrayal. It happened months ago, and each time I think I'm shed of it, something brings it fresh to the surface.

When it first happened I was mad, and then a bit sad, and then --true to form for me-- I picked up, made what peace I could and moved on. But apparently I'm not really at peace with it, because today brought it fresh again and I am mad. And it's all ego, because I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at me for being so naive to have loved so innocently and completely and trustingly, and to think it was the same thing returned. I should have known. Just that. I should have known.

Where's the grief? This was a major friendship in my life, and it ended abruptly and I want to know where is the grief over it? If I can still feel angry about it, then there must be something still to heal for myself, and so when do I get that? How long do I be angry and feel betrayed before I can move onto the grief stage? Our friendship deserves that kind of ceremony.

5 to tango

2009-01-10T11:52:00.000-08:00

Last night a friend strapped on her 6 month old and led me in a couple of songs. 5 of us, in one tango.

Baby Update

2009-01-06T23:38:00.000-08:00

We are right about 17 weeks! Not quite halfway there, though, since twins usually come early we're closer to halfway than not.

Both babies are doing very well. Baby A (this is the baby that will be born first) is a littl boy, and Baby B (who is happily stretched across the top of my uterus) is a little girl. Yesterday we did another ultrasound (I have them every three weeks--I think that's a bit excessive, but I'm sure that's the homebirth midwife in me talking) and Baby B had her foot constantly pressed up against Baby A's head. I wonder if he'll throw that in her face later in life?

They are both growing a bit ahead of schedule, which is good. Better to have babies that are bigger than expected than to have babies that are smaller than they should be.

I'm really just beginning to feel movement. All day today I felt Baby A poking me where my pants pushed in on him. And Baby B is fainter but I'm beginning to feel her more. She's the one that gets in the way in close embrace. I actually had to pull out of close embrace on Saturday and move to open because she was in an awkward position that made it uncomfortable for me.

Typically the belly growth measurements correspond to what week you are in your pregnancy. So, at twenty weeks the fundus (or top) of the uterus is usually level with the belly button. I'm measuring at about 22 - 23 weeks, with the babies just a bit below my ribcage. I have a cute round belly.

No more illness or nausea, but I seem to have lost my appetite. I'm working on trying to get all the calories in that I need, but it's hard. Weight gain is a little below what it should be.

I feel really good and remember that this is the time that I most love in pregnancy. The second trimester. Lots of energy, sweet belly, lots of kicks. This is fun!

The parents are busy picking out names and settling in to the reality that they really are going to have twins. I love hearing the joy in the mama's voice and the fear in the papa's. It's really sweet.

So, that's the baby update. We're doing well.

Pregnant Tango

2009-01-06T23:32:00.000-08:00

The nice thing about being obviously pregnant and dancing is that it doesn't matter how off I am that night, it is pretty much guaranteed that someone will come and gush about how beautiful I am. It goes to a girl's head, I tell you.

I'm struggling just a little with the body changes. I wasn't really dancing when I was pregnant last (actually, I started tango lessons when I was 7 months pregnant with my last surroson), and I certainly didn't have the same kind of watchfulness about what I looked like while dancing, how my clothes accented features, what I looked like in sexy shoes, etc. This time, I know it. And I love my pregnant body, but sometimes I feel self-conscious about it. Kinda like the fishbowl effect, you know? I'm the pregnant chick on the dancefloor. Sometimes it gets to me.

And then, evenings like tonight happen where I am told again and again how lovely I am, how beautiful I look dancing, and it's nice to have that kind of love showered on me and on the babies. It's nice to share the joy of growing these babies with people. And for a few moments I forget that I feel a little awkward in my body.

Thanks to all you lovely people that say such lovely things.

Artists and money

2008-12-30T11:55:00.000-08:00

Artists need benefactors. Because the muse is hampered by the need to accomplish the other stuff that keeps life moving. And it's shameful to me that we have become a culture that decides that it there is little enough value in art that it should be a sideline, that it's a hobby.

And our artists feel shame at taking money. Feel shame at naming a price. Because we are so removed for sharing our hearts and our souls and our masterpieces through vulnerability that asking for the worth of the piece is unimaginable.

If you are an artist, in whatever capacity, please accept our money. Please recognize that it is our currency. It is how we tell you you have impacted us, that we like your beauty and want a part of it around us.

If you are a spiritual teacher, you are still an artist. Let me share my wealth with you, in the currency I have available to do so. It is an exchange that has value.

You be the artist, let me be the patron.

You do it for me too, you know.

Words/Voice

2008-12-19T10:37:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I can put my words to paper, but my voice prevents me from actually saying so much?

Falling in love

2008-12-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight I fell in love with tango all over again. It's that moment when you look at someone that is so familiar to you and for just a second you see a total stranger, closely followed by this stabbing hollowing upsurge of love that leaves you breathless. That was tango for me tonight.

The snow set it for me. I love snow. I was a mountain high Colorado girl, with a view of the Continental Divide from my bedroom. I love the powder, the cold, the ritual, the being at the mercy and the dance of the weather. And so this storm is like a special secret Christmas gift just for me. And as I walked to the practica/milonga the flakes were fat and full and like little bits of laughter landing on my cheeks.

And the milonga hall was warm and cheery, Canaro through the speakers, lovely dancers. And my first dances were with someone I adore and they were mmmmm goood, and each that followed was a different taste.

It was like the best meal I had ever eaten, and right now that's saying a lot!

One, Two, Buckle my shoe...

2008-12-14T21:03:00.000-08:00

Last night I realized, at some point I won't be able to buckle my tango shoes. I know it seems premature to think about this now, but this 14 week belly looks more like a 18-20 week belly and I still have a lot to go.

So, what then? Beg my friends? Hope there is some gentlemanly fellow that will assist me? Try to contort myself by leaning sideways and reaching around the belly?

Buckling my shoes is part of the ritual I like. I like the feel of slipping my feet in, of feeling the band across my toes, and the tilt of the heel; but that moment of restraint when I cinch the buckle down and I feel the strap firm and tight and restrictive across the front of my ankle... it's a sensual moment that I am a little loathe to hand over to someone else.

2008-12-14T20:57:00.000-08:00

Those 6 weeks took a toll. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating it is to only be able to dance two or three tandas in a night. I just don't have the stamina for more. Where did it go?

And my balance! Ugh. I feel like a very beginner again, only this time I know enough to know how bad it feels. It's so discouraging. I haven't actually had to use my partner for balance since I started, and now... if the leader does anything that isn't perfectly centered it throws me off.

I had a lovely night on Friday where I had people signing my dance card before I could even get my shoes on but I just couldn't dance more than a few tandas and I was so disappointed. Last night was the same.

Those of you that have taken extended breaks, was it hard to come back? Did you notice a difference? I'm hoping my lack of stamina is just because I was so sick and it will return, but other pregnant people seem to think it's their job to burst that happy bubble.

Boleos

2008-12-13T11:40:00.000-08:00

Alex is talking about them, and so is Limerick, and MsHedgehog too. I guess I'll jump in too.

Someone please explain how I would do one, and when, that is unlead? Not that I necessarily want to, but I feel like the only eejit in the field that hasn't figured this out. I see it happen on the floor, but I just don't seem to be able to compute how they know to do one.

Even when they're lead, I still don't feel like I manage them gracefully or attractively or even in the expected timeframe. It's on my list of things to work on during a private, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. I guess I think of it as an embellishment and so it sinks a bit on my priority list. But the more comfortable I get the more I would like to at least *feel* like I did it right when they ask me too.

sigh.

I danced

2008-12-05T17:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I woke up feeling like....me. It was wonderful. And at about 6pm, I knew I'd be going to the practica. And I did.

I went in knowing that I really only intended to dance two or so tandas, and that there were only two leaders I felt comfortable enough to dance with, and they were both there, and it was really really nice.

But I was still worried. 6 weeks with no dancing. From 5 nights a week to nothing, for 6 weeks. Not even the desire. I was worried how I would feel, how my dance would be, concerned that somewhere I had lost that ephemeral "it".

The dance was fine. All that anxiety, and I felt ok. I didn't feel ungainly, stupid, uncoordinated or like I had forgotten everything. In fact, I smiled. A lot.

And when the second leader inquired about my absence and I explained that I was pregnant with twins and hadn't been well, the sweetest twinkle and the nicest glow swept over him, and he hugged me and said he was so looking forward to dancing with me as I got bigger. And it was so genuine and gleeful that I couldn't help but feel beautiful and wanted and appreciated. That, truly, was the most wonderful thing that could have happened to my dance last night.

Proposition 8-- The Musical

2008-12-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

Damn, even when we're persecuted, we're still entertaining.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Tango and Argyle Chihuahas

2008-12-03T13:47:00.000-08:00

I like this song, but don't really dig rat dogs, or rat dogs in argyle sweaters. In fact, the whole thing is a little weird.

CHIHUAHUA TANGO: Chi, Tango,Chi! @ Yahoo! Video

Tango Tonight

2008-12-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

I actually want to go. I don't want to dance, but I want to go.

This is a marked improvement!

I see Tango again, on the horizon! WooHoo!

12 weeks 1 day

2008-12-01T18:33:00.000-08:00

We graduated to the OB today. I am no longer under the care of the Reproductive Endocrinologist. I am no longer on ANY medications, and I no longer have debilitating nausea.

We've also hit the 12 week mark, which means that our risk of miscarriage drops significantly, and both babies look great and are growing appropriately.

The parents told their families on Thanksgiving, and it was such a joy to hear them share. With our last pregnancy, they were hesitant to believe until much later. This time around it seems that they are calmer and more relaxed and not so wounded. It's beautiful. And they love the idea of what is about to happen to their household. What a joy to be able to giggle at the thought of the mayhem that is going to descend on them!

So, yes, I said OB. That's right. No midwives for me, and no home birth. The last birth wasn't either. It was a hospital birth. My first. It was big leap for me to birth in a hospital and I went through all kinds of professional guilt about betraying my fellow midwives by birthing in the hospital. But in the end, it was a nice experience and I expect this one to be just as nice.

The OB is someone I knew before I became a surrogate. He would take my transfers, and I even attended a few births with him. So, we had a nice respect for each other and knew each other pretty well. With the last birth, I would come to prenatals, tell him the pertinent information and then we'd talk birth politics and community news for 20 minutes, then I'd leave. During our labor and birth he took my lead and pretty much let me run the show. As it should be, of course, but unusual in an OB. This time, with twins, he earned my respect all over again. We were discussing the delivery and what would be required. I don't want an epidural, hep lock, etc. I want a vaginal unmedicated birth like my others, assuming everything is ok with the babies. And his response was, "well...it's your body and we can work with that. I prefer this, but we can do it how you want it too". Love him.

I have a little bump and I'd like to say it's cute, but I'm actually just at the awkward stage where I look like I have a giant gut and I want a pin that says, Actually I'm Pregnant.

So, that's the baby update.

Surrogacy and Infertility, what it means to me as a surrogate

2008-11-26T10:57:00.000-08:00

Kym, a surrogate and mother that dealt with infertility herself, posted some wonderful insights on how entering into surrogacy is a trip into infertility for the surrogate. Many of us become surrogates because we love pregnancy, love the idea of helping others have families. But we enter it in a wave of innocence. Most of us have little understanding of what infertility means, how it impacts women and their families, and how it can effect us.

I had theories about what it meant to be infertile. But the far reaching range of emotions was way bigger than I could ever have imagined.

Through surrogacy, I have experienced 11 cycles. Me, with my perfect uterus, my perfect pregnancy history, my simple homebirths. Even with modern science, I couldn't get pregnant 9 of those cycles. And each time, I wondered if it was my fault. It was humbling. I never thought it wouldn't work, until it didn't.

And that's me. That doesn't even begin to touch my Intended Parents that have gone through years of trying, repeated miscarriages, surgeries, invasive testing, poking, prodding, and each step their hope being whittled away to next to nothing. Except, they manage to keep it. Their hope, that is. It's slightly tarnished, and colored with some slightly off-kilter humor, and probably lots of counseling, but it's there.

These people look at the thing the want most in their lives and realize they can't make it happen for themselves, and then they hand it over to us. They hand it to a surrogate and say, Make my dream come true. The strength and belief that takes makes me cry. I don't know that I could give that much, trust that much, release that much. It is an enormous gift to be part of their dream.

Man to be

2008-11-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

My 12 year old amazes me. He is this crazy blending of physical traits, motions, thinkings...some I recognize, some I see are completely his own.

Sometimes he gives me glimpses into the man he'll be and they leave me breathless. The other day I was laying on my bed, reading a book, and he comes into my room with a glass of water. He sets it on my bedside table.

12 yr old: Mom, are you thirsty?
ManyMom: no?
12 yr old: I brought you some water.

I thanked him, but he stood there waiting.

ManyMom: Sweetie, do you need something?
12 yr old: Mom, you should drink some water. Pregnant women need to drink lots of water.

Now, that in and of itself is amazing, but what is really amazing is that when I was pregnant with Tor two years ago, I offhandedly mentioned to him that he should remember that pregnant and nursing women need to drink lots of water, and that if he ever has children to not ask the mom if she wants it but to just bring it to her and remind her to drink.

He remembered.

I didn't go.

2008-11-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

So, I didn't go. By the time I should have been leaving for the milonga, I was already in pajamas and it seemed like a lot of work to attempt to make myself look remotely cute in my now ill-fitting clothing. And I didn't go last week either, because a friend of mine's daughter turned 2 and they celebrated at Chuck E. Cheese's. I was done for after that. Whoever created those places has been so desensitized that they don't even know what the word over-stimulation means. I can't imagine working there.

But last night I did go to a smaller event. I didn't dance, but I went to see friends. It was lovely. And to my surprise, I found myself moved by the music. I haven't been able to even listen to tango. It's too all encompassing for me, and I get lost and then panic a little. I had to set it aside for music that doesn't dissolve me quite so much. But in a larger hall than my ipod earbuds provide, I was able to enjoy the music.

I think I'm ready. I'll give it another week or so, and dance just with people I'm really comfortable with, since tango is so intense and I'm still so easily overwhelmed, but it's nice to be ready. I was starting to get a little worried...

Easing back in

2008-11-15T11:49:00.000-08:00

I think I could probably handle a tanda or two in a night, but I feel very out of (dance) practice, kinda shy, and very fragile. So, I'm a little hesitant to dance at my normal events. I'd really like to ease my way back in, dance with friends only (ones that would understand if I couldn't make it through a whole tanda), and go slow. But I'm hesitant to go to the normal events because there are lots of people I don't want to dance with and I can't figure out how to gracefully navigate the who I do want to dance with and who I don't want to dance with thing. Not because of those people, really, but because I feel so off my game and so physically unwell that I don't think I could handle a tanda with someone that I wasn't also completely socially comfortable with.

Any thoughts on this?

Long time no post

2008-11-09T19:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted. I have been just too sick, too nauseous. In all reality, if I had felt this way before with my first child, he would have been an only. I spent a couple weeks being able to do nothing but sit on the couch and sleep, and moan. A lot. From misery. I was depressed and my kids were threatening mutiny.

I asked for some drugs. Which isn't a me thing to do, but it had gotten so bad I couldn't even answer the phone. So they set me up with Zofran, and I am starting to remember what it feels like to be a person.

I haven't danced in over 2 weeks. I don't want to be touched, I can't close my eyes, and the thought of a bad tanda makes me cringe. I can't even listen to tango right now because the music is so complex it makes my head spin, which makes my stomach spin. Which makes me cry.

So, we're all ok. The babies are growing, I am starting to almost feel like something besides a wet rag, and I'm trying to just lay low.

I'll let you all know when something changes.

Play Me Some Music, Mr. DJ

2008-10-26T02:04:00.000-07:00

Seriously? Seriously! This part sucks. Really it does. I am nauseous from the time I open my eyes to when I finally fall asleep. I spend my time totally disgusted by food and equally ravenous...with no warning.

I'm finding myself dropping deeper and deeper into the music. If it's good, I can float away on it. Forget that my stomach is in upheaval, forget that my stamina has gone down the drain. If it isn't? Well, then I'm dancing with queasiness. Blech.

So, what makes the dj good? Tonight's music was, individually, music I like. But the combinations, or the placements, didn't work for me. I wish I knew what it is that I do or don't like, so I don't have to sit and attempt to puzzle it out. I don't understand why, what the lack of magic is, etc. And I'd like to be able to put a finger on it and say, ah...because maybe then I could get beyond my gut feeling of dislike. Maybe then I could hear what the dj had in mind and enjoy it the way he or she wanted me to.

Sadly, at the end of the night, shoes dismissed, floor mostly empty, second song into the last tanda...Oigo tu voz. sigh. it was just a miss all night.

Tonight's fortune:

2008-10-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

mmmm.....fortune cookies. so good.

Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance.
Share your news.

Ultrasound Today

2008-10-22T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today, at 6 weeks 3 days, we had our first ultrasound. Guess. Guess what we saw?

Did you guess?

Two.

Two Gestational Sacs.

Two Yolk Sacs.

Two developing embryos.

Two sweet twittery fluttery little heartbeats.

Twins. There are two. We have two little babies growing inside of me. Which means a total of three heartbeats inside my body.

Pregnancy Icks

2008-10-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have been struck by the pregnancy icks. Food is gross. Driving in cars is gross. Even my beloved coffee has finally become gross. Saltines are good. And so is gatorade. Gatorade! Never in a million years did I think I would be drinking Gatorade. But it has a nice salinity that makes my throat feel nice.

I have never had morning sickness. I bow to all you women that had it for long stretches and then had more children. You are amazing and marvelous and I hold you in awe. Because this sucks.

And, interestingly enough, the only thing that keeps it all at bay, that makes me forget the whirlpool in my stomach: Tango. I feel not yuck when I'm immersed in the dance.

However, this feeling made Tangofest really hard for me. The traveling was hard, the being somewhere when I'm feeling icky was hard, and at about 2 am I was done for. Could Not Dance Another Step. Like Cinderella at midnight. I didn't have the most lovely of festivals. But my consolation is that Valentango will coincide with my second trimester, so I should be full of vibrant energy!

Some Requests

2008-10-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

Gentleman, I know you've heard this before, but I think it is fair to repeat it.

PLEASE, please, please....pick a lane and stay in it. Don't pass the people in front of us, don't hold up traffic behind us, just enjoy being part of this bigger moving tango mass.

When we enter a VERY crowded floor, I have to trust you completely. I can't do that if we are weaving in and out of people, and I can't feel that when you haul me to the center of the floor. I like the outer two lanes, preferably the outermost lane, which moves at a sedate respectful pace. I feel safe there. I know where the edge of the floor is, I know who is in front and behind and I can relax.

And, on another note, PLEASE do not try new and special tricks with someone you've not danced with. Namely me. I do not like (and will not do) volcadas that have me crossing my right over my left if I do not know you and haven't danced with you often. (Can you believe someone I had never danced with or previously met tried this with me not once, but THREE times on the dance floor at the Grand Milonga at TangoFest? I thought he had gotten the hint when I stopped dead the second time, but I guess the third and final time when I said, "I really don't think that's appropriate for this floor and I won't do it no matter how many times you lead it" finally got his attention.) If you manage to pull it off well enough that I don't know it has happened, well, then you are elevated to a different status and I will do whatever you lead because you are nearing deity status in my opinion. But that isn't most leaders!

Thank you for your kind attention,

Fledgling Tanguera

Joy

2008-10-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like I haven't blogged much. No angst, dancing is good, we're pregnant, I love my job, blah blah. Life is Good.

Last night was the second milonga in a new series of Friday night milongas. The hosts do a wonderful job of transforming our normal venue into something cozy, welcoming, intimate and special with charming treats. The music was very good (all Golden age, and well put together), they played Oigo tu voz (which makes me swoon every time I hear it, which isn't often enough at the milongas) and other than needing to do some frequent volume adjusting, I was delighted with the music.

The dancers were sweet, friendly, not cliquey and it was relatively gender balanced.

And the real joy? The community, the drinks afterward (not me, of course), the socializing. It was a lovely way to start my weekend.

You can't tell through cyberspace, but all I can do is glow. I'm glowy.

My Toes

2008-10-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

I have this charming pair of silver shoes, lower heels, strappy, cute little sequins. Love them. I haven't worn them in awhile, but wore them a lot when I started dancing. Last night, I started kicking my left big toe again. I think it may be the shoes! These are not tango shoes. Truth be told, they are bridesmaid's shoes. So, I'm wondering if the placement of the heel has something to do with it?

anyone else had this experience?

Oigo Tu Voz, Lucio DeMare with Raul Beron

2008-10-09T00:27:00.000-07:00

Oigo Tu Voz, (1943) Lucio DeMare with vocalistRaul Beron

OIGO TU VOZ I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Miedo de morir, Fear of death
ansia de vivir, longing to live
sueño o realidad?... dream or reality?
Algo quiere ser something wants to be
un amanecer a daybreak
en mi soledad... in my solitude
Canto que olvidé, Song that I forgot
sitios que dejé, places that I left
dicha que perdí... happiness I lost
Hoy en la emoción Today in the emotion
de mi corazón of my heart
todo vuelve a mí! everything comes back to me

Oigo tu voz I hear your voice
la que mi oído no olvida! which my ear does not forget
Me trae tu voz your voice brings me
hasta mi pena escondida even my hidden pain
la luz y la vida the life and light
de un rayo de sol... of a sun ray
Vuelvo a escuchar I hear again
el nombre mío en tu acento, my name in your accent
sin descifrar without deciphering
si es la palabra que siento if I feel the word
mentira del viento, lies of the wind
delirio, no más... delirium, that's all

Tiemblo por saber I tremble for knowing
si en mi puerta estás, if you are at my door
si es tu propia voz; if it is your voice
y no quiero abrir and I do not want to open
para no llorar so I won't cry
muerta mi ilusión... my illusion
Déjame pensar Let me think
que a salvar vendrás that you will come to save
el deshecho amor... the undone love
Déjame creer Let me believe
que eres siempre, al fin, that you are always, on end,
tú mejor que yo! you better than I!

Beta Update

2008-10-07T11:46:00.000-07:00

Our beta today is 351, which has a doubling rate of every 36.something hours. Which is great. Relieving. We want it to double every 48 hours or so, so 36.something is very reassuring. We have an ultrasound scheduled for October 22nd, to see how many are in there and to (hopefully) see a little heart beating away.

The mom thinks we have twins, but I'm skeptical. The numbers are no help. They are right in line with twinsies or a singleton, so we just wait.

Can I just tell you though? Food? Not so good. Not so good at all. blech.

Hey, did you see the cute little ticker I added to the bottom of my page? It says we are 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant!

We Have Positive Numbers! We're Pregnant!

2008-10-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

143! That is a very respectable number. It's right in the range for a singleton. Which we like. It could be twins, but likely it's just one.

WooHOooooo! We're pregnant. And it's a happy healthy number.

We'll do another beta on Tuesday, to make sure the numbers are doubling. If the numbers double, it indicates a growing embryo. If they don't double, we'll do repeat betas until the numbers either start to fall or come back in line. If it more than doubles, that's great news. If it more than a lot doubles it might indicate multiples.

We will do an u/s on October 22 (they wanted to schedule it for the 20th, but I'll still be at TangoFest in Portland) to see if there is a heartbeat and how many there are.

sigh. I feel like I can breathe!

the due date: June 14th. Hah! We have a due date!!!!

Ney & Jennifer in my dreams

2008-10-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

Last night/this morning I had a dream that I was at my normal weekly practica dancing quite well with a leader that I typically enjoy dancing with and he stopped rather unexpectedly and as my eyes flew open in surprise, Ney and Jennifer were standing there. Ney was behind Jennifer so I couldn't really see him, but Jennifer was looking at me and saying, No, no....you need to move your hips like this. She demonstrated by putting her hands on my hips and gently placing my body where it should be. Then they sandwiched my lead and I, Ney's hands on my leader's shoulders and Jennifer's on my hips; and danced with us, demonstrating what they wanted to see. At the end of the song, we exchanged kisses and the music for the next song began and they faded away while I remained in the arms of my leader and we danced.

Tango Jones

2008-10-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

I just spent 15 minutes flipping through my address book trying to decide who I could call at 8:30 on a post-late night-milonga Sunday morning to dance with me RIGHT NOW.

I couldn't think of anyone that would appreciate that. I guess I could work on some embellishments, or molinetes.

I hate waiting.

The Wait

2008-10-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

So, now we wait to hear the numbers. I will be happy as long as it's a positive number, but I really expect it to be at least 85.

Last cycle, we got positives on the HPT's but they were never dark, so I didn't expect a big number. When she called to tell me the number, it was actually negative. I felt like I had been hit with a bat, like the ground dropped from beneath me, and I felt complete dread and sadness about calling the Intended Parents to tell them.

This time, I am confident there will be a positive number.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

It will be positive, right? It Will. Right?

9dp3dt Update

2008-10-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

The Lines are STILL getting Darker.

WooHoooooo!!!!

Thrills

2008-10-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

This video, from Irene and Man Yung's Tango Blog made me laugh so hard! And what's even better is that she found a way to link it back to tango.

So great!

8dp3dt pm update

2008-10-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the afternoon test was darker, the line came up immediately, and it made me feel MUCH MUCH better.

Here it is, for all my surrogate friends out there.

The one above it is from yesterday morning. It is maybe a smidgeon lighter than the one from the previous day (7dp3dt).

Today I am 9dp3dt, but I won't test until this afternoon, because, unlike most normal human beings, that first pee of the day does not contain the most hcg for me.

Fear

2008-10-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

So, here's what I realized today. (though, it's not like this hasn't been noodling around in my, well, noodle)...

I'm completely terrified of being in a loving, giving, supportive reciprocal relationship. Every time I start to think about the possibility, I immediately shut it down. Each time a friend talks about it, I turn all bah humbug on them. I do it humorously, and lightly, but that door is closed tightly in my soul. In fact, it's been painted over, nailed shut and boarded as if to protect it from a storm.

I'm closed. My heart is closed. At least to anything longer than 12 minutes on the dance floor. Or to something I can control (read: parenting).

How ridiculous is this? I talk, and think, frequently about NOT making decisions based on fear. But one of the most essential aspects of life I am allowing to be completely controlled by fear. That moment of tango bliss the other day, it blew that door wide open. (which I then quickly scurried to close! and board up again.) I don't mean I want a romantic relationship with that person, or that I've fallen in love with him (though there will always be a special place held for him....it's the same feeling of tenderness I have for the women whose births I attend).

sigh. How do I remove all those barriers? Interesting, I never said it was locked. Just boarded up and closed tightly. I wonder what significance that has?

I want to allow myself to love someone, to take the risk of loving and giving completely. I want to allow myself to not control everything, but to trust more.

Neuroses

2008-10-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

So, this is why I hate testing. Hate myself for giving in.

This morning's test? not a smidgeon darker. *sigh*

And the ugly fear monster rears it's ugly head.

I don't want this to be another chemical. And one morning test doesn't mean it is. But I'll sit here and obsess about it anyway.

*sigh*

OMG, There are 2 lines!

2008-10-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, there are definitely 2 lines. On three different tests. 2 LINES!!!

WallFlower Wednesday

2008-10-01T12:28:00.001-07:00

Thank you, LLP.

7dp3dt

2008-10-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

i *think* maybe I might have seen a second line.

6dp3dt

2008-09-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

6 days past a 3 day transfer, or 9 days past ovulation (9dpo). Still too early to get a positive, unless I was carrying a litter. And since I am not hoping to be carrying a litter, I won't test until tomorrow morning. When I will be 7dp3dt, or 10dpo, which is the typical time to get an early positive on a home pregnancy test.

I could bore you with the obsessive watching-for-symptoms craziness, but I won't. Except to say that there are some. Some signs. If one is obsessive enough to look for them. Which, apparently, I am.

This time around I have avoided the message boards, the calendars and for the most part, too much overthinking. I have been doing normal things, filling my days with kids and friends and work, and my nights with dance.

Politics

2008-09-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

I :heart: Sarah Silverman.Thanks, Merlot Mom.

Vic, this one is especially for you.

Carrying Potential Cargo

2008-09-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today we transferred three absolutely symmetrical, PERFECT 3 day, 8 celled embryos. Now, we wait.

On Sunday October 5th, I will go in for a beta HCG, which will tell us how much hcg is in my system, which will tell us if any of these little guys stuck around.

It's hard to resist the lure of home pregnancy tests. In the past, I've started testing about 4 days past the transfer, hoping to get an early positive. This time, I want to just wait until at least 7 day past a three day transfer (7dp3dt). That will put me at 1o days past ovulation, had I gotten pregnant the typical way.

HPT's are crazy making. In most of the other cycles, we have gotten really early positives that didn't make it. These are called chemical pregnancies. It's heartbreaking and exhausting to get those positive tests and have a negative or low beta. So, I'm going to try and hold out.

The typical pregnancy symptoms aren't reliable with IVF, because the hormones can mimic them. So, we wait for the beta. If it's a positive number, we go back two days later for another blood test, to see if the numbers have doubled. If the numbers have doubled it's a good indication of a viable pregnancy.

These are the best any of our embryos have looked. I'm feeling really hopeful!

Tomorrow

2008-09-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we will put in rapidly dividing little 3 day embryos.

Please be thinking fertile thoughts for us all.

I know I've said it before, but I really want it to work this time. Really.

This has been my favorite poem since about 8th grade

2008-09-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

  i like my body when it is with your
 body. It is so quite a new thing.
 Muscles better and nerves more.
 i like your body. i like what it does,
 i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
 of your body and its bones, and the trembling
 -firm-smooth ness and which i will
 again and again and again
 kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
 i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
 of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
 over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

 and possibly i like the thrill

 of under me you quite so new
                       --e e cummings

Vulnerability

2008-09-21T03:34:00.000-07:00

In all honesty, friends, it terrifies me.

The absolute intensity that this thing, this Tango, awakens in me is terrifying.

That serpent of passion is coiled pretty deeply inside me. I thought we had found a way to coexist. He had his space, and I had mine. Occasionally, when all the conditions were right and safe, we might play a little together. But always with protection, never too close, always barely touching fingertips. Controlled.

But all bets are off now. He dances to the music, and when I am looking or when I'm not he coils himself around the little figure that is me that coexists in this body and he takes me for a ride and I just don't have any say.

I always knew he was bigger than me. I always new that if it came down to a contest between Passion and Personality, well....Passion would win hands down. And if it came to that, it would be ok because all else would be obliterated. There would only be the aftermath to deal with.

But this music, this dance...it is pulling and twisting us together and I'm finding that the passion and the personality are not as separate as I thought. And it terrifies me. I liked that neat tidy package, and nothing feels neat or tidy anymore. I feel like I am in this spiral of release and fill, and I have no say in it whatsoever. And more, I don't want to have any say. I just want to give in and go.

And in those moments, like tonight, it is glorious to go.

and the aftermath is frightening, because I'm trying to clean up and separate and reorganize what was torn open for me...and there's just no map for this.

and the only solace I can think of is to bury myself even deeper. To hope it opens me even more.

the nature of bliss

2008-09-21T01:49:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be joy. I thought it would be light. I thought it would be like a summer day. But it wasn't.

It was aching. It was yearning, and it was melancholy. Oh, there was joy in the connection, in the awakening, in the sharing of each other, but there was more. I didn't realize that the bliss would be like that moment before we tip into orgasm, where our eyes lock with the intensity of knowing we have chosen to go over the edge together, that we've chosen to bare our souls naked to each other and there is nothing to hide, nothing to hide from.

And I sit here dazed, surprised I made it through the rest of the night. Because the tears are flowing down my cheeks, the aftermath of the bliss washing over me.

and a kernal of fear. What if he didn't feel it too? What if this is a story I'm making up?

Does he make us all feel this way?

2008-09-21T01:25:00.001-07:00

And with that bliss, I was done. I couldn't even think of another dance with someone else. Anything else would have been empty, shallow, surface. So I sat and watched, completely contented.

I love this love affair on the dance floor. I love the shy newness of learning each other, and the places where we go deeper, a bond that grows with each step. And I think, do all the women he dances with feel this way? Do all the women he dances with walk away feeling beautiful, sexy, special? I suspect they do. And this pleases me. How wonderful that he makes each and every one of us fall in love with him, and feel as if he's fallen in love with us!

And I want to give this back. I want every man that embraces me to walk away from our dance feeling special.

bliss

2008-09-21T01:16:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had THAT moment. That moment when the world melts open and we are hurtling through space together, with nothing but us and the cushion of tango for atmosphere.

It was just a second, when he gave himself over to me; the tender act of laying his forehead against mine undid me. In that slightest gesture, I felt him relinquish. I felt him make space in his heart for me, and I felt him allow the vulnerability to wrap us up. And I took it, and held it and loved him essentially.

THIS is what tango is. THIS is why we reach for eachother, why we suffer the doubt, the fear, the pain.

Tango Drills

2008-09-18T07:48:00.001-07:00

I want a drills class. One where we come together for an hour -- 15 minute warm-up, 35 minutes of drills, then cool down.

Every other dance I've done has this kind of class, but I'm not seeing much of it in Tango. At least, not in my community. And certainly not in the classes. The best milonga classes I've taken spend half their time on drills.

I guess I could email teachers and ask for a drills class. Or maybe get a group together of others who are interested in a drills class, and have each of us take a couple to lead the rest of the group.

Any ideas on this? And where I can get examples of drills?

Introducing Nixon Hailfire...

2008-09-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

Apparently, if I had been born to Sarah Palin, I would have been named Nixon Hailfire Palin.

Who would you be? Find out with the Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator.

I stole this from Kym, who stole it from Scarred Bellybutton.

WallFlower Wednesday

2008-09-17T16:07:00.001-07:00

Thank you, TIO....from the bottom of this heart.

57%

2008-09-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought that a lime green corset would be such a popular thing?

Fully 57% of my search engine hits in the last week and a half have had something to do with "lime green corset" in their search.

huh.

44 Seconds with a Velociraptor

2008-09-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

44 seconds

Created by Bunk Beds Pedia

For Sunshine

2008-09-15T02:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I picked Child A up from his weekly D&D game at a friend's house and we were talking about Ozzie Osbourne (I don't remember how it came up) and I asked him if he even knew who Ozzy Osbourne is. And he said no, except that he is old.

Which led to a conversation of what constitutes old.

Apparently 60 is old.

A few beats later,

"Mom, that means you are half old."

A few beats later,

"Actually, you are over half old."

and I think, really I think, that there was a bit of a self-satisfied smirk on his pre-teen face.